McGee: (walks in on Abby and Palmer super glued together) Palmer, what the hell are you doing?
Abby: You know, you didn't have to yell at him. Jimmy is terrified of you now.
McGee: He is? Cool.

McGee: [exiting the elevator] Ah, I missed these stained orange walls. God bless tacky American bureaucracy.
Tony: The prodigal probie returns.
McGee: You know, I realized something, Tony. You don't appreciate something until it's gone.
Tony: So you missed me, ay?
McGee: No, other things, like breakfast without beer.
Ziva: I thought that was the Irish.
Tony: Canadians, too.
McGee: You know, beer doesn't go well with either eggs or oatmeal. [looks at Ziva] Why are you so tan?
Ziva: Why are you so white?
McGee: I've always been like this.
Ziva: It becomes you.
McGee: You're lying.
Ziva: Through my teeth.

McGee: [knocks] Ms. DeMarco, NCIS. We need to speak with you.
Tony: Ms. DeMarco, open up. We want to talk to you. [sounds of a shotgun being pumped cause Tony and McGee to take cover, then a shot is fired through the door] Federal agents! Drop it!
DeMarco: Did that piece of filth Serro send you?! Because I've got a message for him! You can tell him -- [peeks out the door] -- did you say federal agents?
Tony: Yes, federal agents!
McGee: Serro's dead! Put the weapon down!
DeMarco: Okay. [puts gun on the ground]
Tony: Hands in the air!
DeMarco: Okay. Sorry.
Tony: Who do you think you are, Sarah Palin?!

McGee: [on the phone with his mechanic] You told me my car would be ready by the end of today...
Tony: One octave or two?
McGee: Listen up, because this is what you're gonna do. You're gonna take the first estimate and you're gonna reduce it by 10 percent. Then you're going to find my part, install my part and have my car parked upfront and ready for me when I walk out of this building in 32 minutes.
Tony: Wow. Who'd guess McGee would grow a pair in a women's prison?
McGee: I put away killers for a living, that's what I do. Now you do exactly as I told you and we won't have any problems, understood? Good, clock's ticking.
Abby: Wow, McGee, your time in the big house really changed you. I like it!

McGee: [opens his eyes to see Tony and Ziva standing in front of his desk] I'm awake.
Ziva: We didn't say anything, McGee.
McGee: But you did something, didn't you? What'd you do?! Did you try and put my hand in this water?
Tony: That's a little juvenile.
McGee: You drew on my face, didn't you? You drew on my face! [looks at his face]
Tony: No. I suggested stripping you naked, putting a tag on your toe and dragging you down to autopsy so that when you woke up you would think you were dead, but Ziva thought it was in poor taste.
McGee: Well, thank you, Ziva.

McGee: [speaking to three recruits while standing at his desk] Now, this is where the brain trust of the entire unit sits. Come on in. Come on in. Please, have a seat. You notice how I've angled my desk here to get a good vantage point of the entire team here. It's very important as an NCIS agent to stay aware.
Tony: [watching from his desk] What's going on here? Are we being replaced by younger models?
Ziva: I am a younger model.
Tony: If that was intended to hurt me, you have succeeded.
Ziva: And we are not being replaced. They are from Waverly University.
Tony: Oh, yeah, that's right. Director Vance's internship program. It's not a good idea. It feeds McGee's need to have groupies. [Ziva smiles]

McGee: [voiceover] Anyone can achieve their fullest potential. Who we are might be predetermined, but the path we follow is always of our own choosing. We should never allow our fears or the expectations of others to set the frontiers of our destiny. Your destiny can't be changed, but it can be challenged. Every man is born as many men and dies as a single one.

McGee: Abby, no one was hurt. Tony and Ziva are fine.
Abby: They're not fine! Not as long as someone is leaking information! I mean, how else would Siravo have known about our meeting with Flores and that we had Perry? [McGee shrugs] See?? No one is safe until I find this leak.
McGee: Any luck?
Abby: No! There were no unusual outgoing calls from the NCIS switchboard. I ran all the phone numbers for everyone with knowledge of the crime: Gibbs, Tony, Ziva, you, me, home, cell and office.
McGee: You ran your own home phone records?
Abby: Yeah. Gibbs orders.

McGee: Abby, what do I do? It's like, I'm nuts for this girl, you know? And she's just... nuts.

McGee: Do you see this? Nine hours, 21 minutes! [shoves his watch in Ziva's face]
Ziva: Has it been that long? [takes the watch away and breaks it]
McGee: Why did you do that??
Ziva: Because it was either you or the watch!
McGee: It's just, what's taking so long, you know?
Ziva: Look, I'm sure we're not the only ones that need to be rescued. Plus, things could be a lot worse.
McGee: Yeah, how's that?
Ziva: We could be stuck here with Tony.
Tony: [from outside the elevator] I heard that! I find it very interesting that the two of you left together late last night!
Ziva: Just ignore him. He's like an annoying bug. Eventually he'll just go away.
McGee: Ziva, it's been five years. Trust me, he's not going anywhere.

McGee: Erm...real funny, Tony.
Tony: (Laughs) You think I did this?
Ziva: I would not put it past you.
Tony: Guys! Come on, a little credit, please. I have grown past this kinda sophomore thing. I mean, who would do something so...genius! McGee with a plastic girlfriend! Congratulations, Tim! She's very sweet.
McGee: The receipt's got my credit card information on it. It must be some kind of mistake.
Ziva: I would cancel your credit card.
McGee: Right now, all I need to do is figure out how to deflate this thing.
Tony: Oh that's easy, there's always a button right here on the back of the neck...(Tony realises what he has just said)...there's no reason I should know that.
(Gibbs and Ducky are in Autopsy, looking over Sgt Wooten's body.)

McGee: Have you ever seen anyone walk that quickly in heels?
Tony: Only at the end of a really hairy date.

McGee: Heck of a day isn't it.
Tony: You went home.
McGee: Yeah, just for an hour.
Tony: I've been talking to agents all night doing recon and you went home and got your game on with little sexy miss text message, Ziva look at him.
Ziva: What are you talking about?
Tony: He's ussing a husky cave man esk primitive satisfication like Heston in Planet of the Apes and it didn't matter that that world was ruled by arrangatanges because Heston went straight for the mute chick in the loing claw you pulled a Heston. Didn't you?
McGee: I don't know about that. It was only for a few minutes.
Tony: Yeah sometimes that's all it takes in my middle aged world.
Ziva: [LAUGHS] You are so jealous.
Tony: Yes I am and there's nothing wrong with that I'm proud of Tim, very proud of you did you take pictures
McGee: Please.
Ziva: Well I'm excited to meet her make sure she's good enough for you.

McGee: Hey, why'd the dead guy cross the road? To get home.
Tony: Yeah. You were funnier when you were fatter.

McGee: How many Caf-Pow's have you had today?
Abby: Um, Eleven..teen.