McGee: Are you wishing you were a computer geek?
Tony: I'd rather be homeless than be you, Probie.

McGee: Bed time. I'll take the sleeping bag.
Abby: We're adults, McGee. We can share the same bed.
McGee: [Seeing Abby playing with his typewriter] If you promise to keep your hands to yourself.
Abby: Clearly, you haven't. Your shirt [Abby is wearing McGee's shirt] smells like J.Lo Glow. Oh, I can't find my toothbrush; I think it fell out in your car.
McGee: That's all right. Your old one's still in my bathroom.
Abby: You kept my old toothbrush? That's a little creepy, McGee. Maybe you should take the sleeping bag.
McGee: What is creepy about it? I just never bothered to throw it out. (Abby brings a toothbrush out of the bathroom) What?
Abby: This is not my toothbrush.
McGee: Well, then I must have bought a second one and forgot about it.
Abby: It's a ladybug toothbrush McGee. It's for cute girls named Gina Marie that bake cookies and wear J.Lo Glow. Not for quasi-manly federal agents who carry a gun.
McGee: Are you going to use it or not?
Abby: An anonymous toothbrush? I'd rather remove my own tonsils with Typhoid Mary's straight razor.
McGee: Where are you going?
Abby: To get my toothbrush.
McGee: No. No, you're not leaving the apartment.
Abby: Why not McGee? We both know Gibbs is just being over-protective.
McGee: I'm not worried about you. I'm worried about me if Gibbs finds out I let you leave.
Abby: That's a really good point. You go.
McGee: I'm not leaving you alone either.
Abby: Fine then I'll just use your toothbrush.
McGee: (grabs his coat) Do not answer the door for anyone. (leaves)
(someone knocks on the door, Abby answers it)
McGee: I told you not to answer the door for anyone!
Abby: What'd you forget?
McGee: My keys.
Abby: Why do you need your keys if I'm here?
McGee: My car keys. Now, you do not answer the door for anyone. (Abby gives him a mock salute) Anyone, or I will tie you up.
Abby: (excited) Really?

McGee: Boss, I told her. The Deputy Secretary of State.
Gibbs: Yeah. Did it work?
McGee: Well, she submitted a formal complaint to the Director.
Gibbs: McGee... Good job.

McGee: Boss, what exactly is Ziva doing in there? [Gibbs just looks at him] I don't want to know. [Gibbs shakes his head] Okay.

McGee: Demonstration for Gibbs. You know how hard it is to explain technical stuff to him.
Abby: Yeah, good thinking. It's like every time I try to explain something science-y his eyes glaze over and he gives me that 'will you shut up and get to the point?' look. [nervous pause] He's behind me, isn't he?
McGee: No.

McGee: Found something.
Tony: Is it dangerous?
McGee: Do you want kids...? Kidding.

McGee: Hey. You looking for me, Tony?
Abby: No, I am. Do you think I'm an idiot?
McGee: No.
Abby: What, you thought I wouldn't figure it out?
McGee: What is she talking about?
Ziva: The cupcake.
Abby: You stole it from my refrigerator. I have forensic evidence. Your big fat finger print.
McGee: Oh, come on, you think I'm that stupid? Look, if I was going to steal your precious cupcake I would not leave a fingerprint on your refrigerator.
Abby: You didn't. You used latex gloves. Brand new box, McGee. Only prints, mine and yours.
McGee: You said you were going gluten-free.
Abby: Where is it, McGee?
McGee: I was saving you from yourself, Abby.
Abby: Where did you save it, McGee?
McGee: Okay, I ate it. It was late, I hadn't eaten since lunch, the machine in the break room was empty and it looked so good.
Tony: [hugs McGee] What were you thinking, McGee? She's a world-class forensic scientist. [dope-slaps him]
Ziva: I bought the cupcake for Abby. [dope-slaps him]
Abby: So, how was it?
McGee: It was life-changing.

McGee: I can find an H-waffle double zigzag waffle, I can find a double zigzag H-waffle double zigzag, but not a zigzag double H-waffle zigzag.
Tony: I see a fish riding a unicorn.

McGee: I found it, Abby. I found how they got in.
Abby: How'd you know I was here?
McGee: Oh, uh, I, uh... didn't. Look, Abby, I'm really sor--
Abby: I know. [pauses, then comes up behind McGee and hugs him]
McGee: I though you were supposed to ask first.
Abby: Never with you, Tim.
[McGee puts his hand over hers.]

McGee: I killed a cop arresting a drug lord?
Ziva: His goose is cooked.
Tony: You would get that one right.

McGee: I was right, wasn't I? There is something wrong with Abby.
Tony: Let it go, Probie.
McGee: Why?
Tony: Because I'm pretty sure it was something you did.

McGee: Is Gibbs still mad at me?
Tony: About what, probie? Dead marine on campus? Missing petty officer? Computer hacker who might be part of a radical peace movement? None of these things are your fault, really... But sending Gibbs on a panty raid?
Kate: He's going to kill you.

McGee: Is it me, or did he take the whole Ari situation really well?
Tony: That's because he's looking forward to it.
McGee: Looking forward to what?
Tony: To finally getting to kill him.

McGee: Look, I'm just saying that I think Tony is more upset than he's letting on.
Ziva: Yes, but he and his partner had not spoken in years.
McGee: Okay, let's say you and I hadn't spoken in years, and I get my throat slit by a serial killer.
Ziva: I would hunt him down, and make him regret the day he was born. You're not just any partner, McGee!
McGee: Neither is Tony.

McGee: My CPU is too small.
Tony: I'm gonna let that slide.