Lance Corporal Silva: How much trouble am I in?
Gibbs: Trouble? Why would you say that?
Lance Corporal Silva: Four NCIS agents escorting one lance corporal?
Tony: You got it all wrong, Marine. She's Mossad.

Liat: Director David has left us a message.
Tony: What's that?
Malachi: It is the Hebrew word bayet. It means "house" or "home".
Tony: [sarcastically] Oh, so he's walking all the way home to Israel?
Liat: More likely the Israeli embassy.
Tony: "House". Oh, well, you know there is a House of Pancakes down the street, and also a House of Pies and a Donut House --
Ziva: [interrupting Tony] My father needs medical attention. We should split up, cover each possibility.
Liat: Okay. [she and Malachi leave]
Tony: Look, you're going to have to go on your own because Gibbs wants --
Ziva: Tony, do you know what a Golem is?
Tony: Creepy schizophrenic creature from Lord of the Rings?
Ziva: No, that's Gollum. A Golem is a supernatural being from Jewish folklore. It was created from mud to protect the Jews. The mystics sketched the name Emet into his forehead. When the monster's task was completed the letter aleph was scratched out, changing the word to met. Do you understand what I'm saying?
Tony: Yeah. Liat pulled a Golem. She erased a letter?
Ziva: Liat is an overachiever. She erased the entire word.
Tony: You're not going to the House of Pancakes, are you?

Locke: What's it like to shoot someone?
Ziva: It is what it is. It is what you have to do.

Lt. Col. Bushnell: I got your email, Special Agent Gibbs, and to tell you the truth, I was shocked - when did you learn to use a computer?

Man on Ship: You the Navy Cops?
Tony: Yeah, my seahorse is double-parked outside. You ought to see the lights.

Mariam Bawali: You have the wrong man, Ziva.
Ziva: No, you have the wrong man! This journey for freedom is nothing but a way for him to enter this country by using you and your sons!
Mariam: I have lived with him for thirty years. I love him! Nothing changes that.
Ziva: [places a photo of a bombing on the table] This. This changes it.
Mariam: No. No, I don't believe it.
Ziva: Then you are lying to yourself! I mean, you have to know the truth deep down. I mean, you must! Yet you allow him to lie to you. To your children.
Mariam: I am protecting my children.
Ziva: They will resent you for it, Mariam.
Mariam: Perhaps I had suspicions, but have you never turned a blind eye on someone you love?
Ziva: Yes, and it was a mistake.

Marine: Why you jumping with us, Sir?
Tony: Always wanted to jump. Gibbs came along to laugh.

Marty: You don't have an unhealthy obsession with death now, do you?
Abby: Oh no! It's just a hobby!

McGee: [after Tony asks Ziva to hit him in the abdomen] As hard as she can?
Tony: As hard as you can.
McGee: You know that's how Houdini died?
Tony: Ziva, did you kill Houdini?
Ziva: It is possible, I do not remember all their names.

McGee: [getting navigation set up for Tony and Ziva to go after a lead] There is a built in compass so you don't get lost.
Tony: Don't worry, McScout. We've got our Mossad hunting dog. Bark once for yes.
Ziva: [growls]

McGee: [referring to the poison ivy covering half his face.] So, honestly how do I look?
Abby: Um... Do you want the truth, or do you want me to lie to you to, uh... ease the burden of your own self-loathing?
McGee: I'd prefer the lie.
Abby: Me, too. You're the fairest in the land, McGee.

McGee: [seeing a large package on his desk] Oh, goody, they're here!
Tony: Goody? Who says goody?!
Ziva: What is it?
McGee: [opens box, pulling out an old computer] This is my Mac SE. Got it for my eleventh birthday. [lovingly] She's my first!
Tony: This is going to get really strange, isn't it?
Ziva: Going to?

McGee: Abby, they hate me.
Abby: They don't hate you, McGee.
McGee: Ziva tried to kill me yesterday.
Abby: Well, you did base all of the characters in your book on us, and you didn't ask our permission.
McGee: Deep Six is a work of pure fiction!
Abby: You described everything in my bedroom.
McGee: Not everything. Do you still have those...?
[Abby's computer beeps.]
Abby: Ah-ah. Fantasize later, Hemingway.

McGee: According to Petty Officer Riley's C.O. he's been on leave the last six days.
Tony: Nice vacation, little camping, knife to the heart, little trip inside a bear's digestive tract.
McGee: Yeah I'd fire my travel agent.

McGee: All right. I think I know what happened here.
Tony: Oh, twenty bucks says McGee's about to say something nobody understands again.
McGee: The GPS coordinates came bundled in a proprietary packet. Since it was a beta, I thought-
Gibbs: I'm starting to think you can't help yourself, McGee.