Monica: [about Ross and Russ] See? They're as different as night and... later that night.

Mrs Green: Oh, this is so much fun, just the girls! Do you know what we should do? Does anybody have any marijuana?
Rachel: [Shocked]
Monica: All right, look. Nobody is smoking any pot around all this food!
Mrs Green: Well, that's fine. I never did it, I just thought I might. So, what's new in sex?

Mrs. Green: [looks out the window] There's an unattractive nude man [Ugly Naked Guy] playing the cello.
Rachel: Yeah, well just be glad he's not playing a smaller instrument.

Phoebe: [Singing]

Phoebe: I wasn't in love with him, and I was just helping out a friend.
Monica: Please, when he left town you stayed in your pajamas for a month! AND I saw you eat a cheeseburger.
[everyone gasps and turns to Pheobe]:
Monica: Well? Didn't you?
Phoebe: I might've...
Monica: I can't believe you didn't tell me.
Phoebe: Oh, come on, like you tell me everything?
Monica: What have I not told you?
Phoebe: [smiling] Oh, I dunno, um, how about the fact that the underwear out there on the telephone pole is yours from when you were having sex with Fun Bobby out on the terrace!
Monica: WHAT?! Wait a minute! Who told you?!
[everyone's gasped and is running for the window except Chandler. Monica turns to him]:
Monica: You are dead meat.
Chandler: I didn't know it was a big secret.
Monica: [smiles] Oh, it's not big. Not at all. Kinda on the same lines as, say, I don't know, having a THIRD NIPPLE!
[everyone gasps from the window before coming to rush around Chandler]:
Phoebe: You have a third nipple?
Chandler: [to Monica] You bitch.
Ross: Whip it out, whip it out!
Chandler: Come on, there's nothing to see! It's just a tiny bump. It's totally useless!
Rachel: Oh, as, as opposed to your other multi-functional nipples?
Joey: I can't believe you- you told me it was a nubbin!
Ross: Joey, what'd you think a nubbin was?
Joey: I dunno, you see something, you hear a word, I thought that's what it was.
everyone: Lemme see it! Show us! I wanna see!
Chandler: JOEY WAS IN A PORNO MOVIE!
[Everyone gasps including Joey, angrily pointing at Chandler]:
Chandler: If I'm going down, I'm taking everybody with me.

Phoebe: Is this how it's going to work? Ross equals boss? What is this? 1922?
Rachel: What's with 1922?
Phoebe: Just... a really long time ago, when men used to tell women what do to a lot. And then there was suffrage, which is a good thing, but it sounds horrible.

Phoebe: It's a known fact that lobsters fall in love and mate for life. You know what? You can actually see old lobster couples walking around their tank, you know, holding claws...

Phoebe: Okay, y'know there's a lot of things I don't believe in, but that doesn't mean that they aren't true. Like...the Bermuda Triangle. Or crop circles. Or evolution.
Ross: Whoa, whoa...you don't believe in evolution?
Phoebe: Nope, not really.
[Phoebe reaches for a plate of cookies, Ross moves the plate away]
Ross: You don't believe in evolution?!
Phoebe: No, I think it's a good story... y'know, Darwin, monkeys... but I just don't buy it.
Ross: Evolution is not something for you to buy, evolution is scientific fact, like, like, like the air we breathe, like gravity.
Phoebe: Oh, okay -- don't get me started on gravity.
Ross: You, uh, you don't believe in gravity?
Phoebe: Well, it's not so much that, you know, like I don't believe in it, you know, it's just... I don't know. Lately I get the feeling that I'm not so much being pulled down as I am being pushed.
[They hear a knock at the door.]
Chandler: Uh-oh. It's Isaac Newton, and he's pissed. Quick, Pheebs, up on the ceiling!

Phoebe: We didn't do any of the romantic things I'd planned, like having a picnic at Central Park and, you know, coffee at Central Perk... Oh! I just got that!

Rachel: [Thinks she feels that Ross came too early, surprised] Oh, honey. That's okay.
Ross: [Realizes] Oh, no, you just rolled on the juice box.
Rachel: [Laughs] Oh, thank god!

Rachel: [To Chandler] You're not gonna end up alone.
Phoebe: Chandler, you called Janice! That's how much you wanted to be with someone!
Monica: You made it!
Phoebe: You're there!
Rachel: You are ready to make a commitment!
Chandler: Whoa! Don't know about that.

Rachel: Isn't that just kick you in the crotch, spit on your neck fantastic?!

Rachel: When I saw them at the airport, I thought I hit rock bottom, but today its like, rock bottom, 50 feet of crap and then me.

Rob: Maybe if you just played some... regular kiddie songs?
Phoebe: No. What do you, what do you want me to be -- like some stupid, big, like, purple dinosaur?
Rob: I'm not saying you have to be Barney.
Phoebe: Who's Barney?

Ross Whoa, whoa, whoa! Australopithicus isn't supposed to be in that display. No, no, no, no, Homo Habilis was erect; Homo Austrapalithicus was NEVER fully erect.
Chandler: Well, maybe he was nervous.