Friends quotes
613 total quotesAll Seasons Season 1
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Ross: This is so exciting. I haven't seen my monkey in almost a year!
Chandler: What, you never look down in the shower? [everyone looks at him] What, I can't make one reference to the classic "monkey-as-penis" joke?
Chandler: What, you never look down in the shower? [everyone looks at him] What, I can't make one reference to the classic "monkey-as-penis" joke?
Ross: Why is this woman leaving a message for you on my machine?
Chandler: Oh. See, I had to tell her that your number was my number, because I couldn't tell her that my number was my number, because she thinks that my number is Bob's number!
Ross: Hey, tell me again what I do when Mr. Roper calls?
Chandler: Oh. See, I had to tell her that your number was my number, because I couldn't tell her that my number was my number, because she thinks that my number is Bob's number!
Ross: Hey, tell me again what I do when Mr. Roper calls?
Ross: You have a date? Who with?
Monica: No one.
Ross: C'mon, what's his name?
Monica: Nothing.
Ross: Come on, tell me.
Monica: All right, but I'm very excited about this, okay, so you gotta promise you won't get all big-brothery and judgmental.
Ross: Oh, I promise. What?
Monica: It's Richard Burke.
Ross: Who's Richard Burke? Doc... Doctor Burke? You have a date with Doctor Burke? Why, why, why should that bother me? I, I love that man, he's like a, uh, brother to Dad.
Monica: No one.
Ross: C'mon, what's his name?
Monica: Nothing.
Ross: Come on, tell me.
Monica: All right, but I'm very excited about this, okay, so you gotta promise you won't get all big-brothery and judgmental.
Ross: Oh, I promise. What?
Monica: It's Richard Burke.
Ross: Who's Richard Burke? Doc... Doctor Burke? You have a date with Doctor Burke? Why, why, why should that bother me? I, I love that man, he's like a, uh, brother to Dad.
Susie: Excuse me. Is your name Chandler?
Chandler: Uh, yes, yes it is.
Susie: Chandler Bing?
Chandler: Do you know me or are you just really good at this game?
Chandler: Uh, yes, yes it is.
Susie: Chandler Bing?
Chandler: Do you know me or are you just really good at this game?
Tilly: I'm Tilly. [Chandler freezes]
Chandler:[Chandler freezes] Oh.
Tilly:I can tell by that 'oh' Eddie's spoken of me.
Chandler: Yeah, your name came up... in a conversation that terrified me to my very soul.
Chandler:[Chandler freezes] Oh.
Tilly:I can tell by that 'oh' Eddie's spoken of me.
Chandler: Yeah, your name came up... in a conversation that terrified me to my very soul.
I'm in the shower and I'm writing a song
Stop me if you've heard it
My skin is soapy and my hair is wet
And Tegrin spelled backward is Nirget
Stop me if you've heard it
My skin is soapy and my hair is wet
And Tegrin spelled backward is Nirget
[Chandler and his roommate Eddie are talking about their ex-girlfriends.]
Eddie: So who broke up with who?
Chandler: I broke up with her. She actually thought Sean Penn was the capital of Cambodia!
Eddie: Yeah! 'Cause everybody knows that the capital of Cambodia...
Chandler:... is not Sean Penn!
Eddie: So who broke up with who?
Chandler: I broke up with her. She actually thought Sean Penn was the capital of Cambodia!
Eddie: Yeah! 'Cause everybody knows that the capital of Cambodia...
Chandler:... is not Sean Penn!
[Everyone is watching Joey's porno movie.]
Julie: So is there, like, a story, or do they just start doing it right... oh, never mind.
Chandler: Okay, now wait a minute. That is the craziest typing test I've ever seen.
Monica: All I say is, she better get the job.
Ross: Looks to me like he's the one getting the job.
Julie: So is there, like, a story, or do they just start doing it right... oh, never mind.
Chandler: Okay, now wait a minute. That is the craziest typing test I've ever seen.
Monica: All I say is, she better get the job.
Ross: Looks to me like he's the one getting the job.
[Joey and Chandler are babysitting Ben.]
Joey: It's a known fact that women love babies, all right? Women love guys who love babies. It's that whole sensitive thing. Quick, aim him at that pack of babes over there.
Caroline: Hello.
Joey and Chandler: Hello.
Caroline: And who is this little cutie-pie?
Chandler: Well, don't, don't think me immodest, but, me?
Joey: You wanna smell him?
Caroline: I assume we're talking about the baby now.
Joey: It's a known fact that women love babies, all right? Women love guys who love babies. It's that whole sensitive thing. Quick, aim him at that pack of babes over there.
Caroline: Hello.
Joey and Chandler: Hello.
Caroline: And who is this little cutie-pie?
Chandler: Well, don't, don't think me immodest, but, me?
Joey: You wanna smell him?
Caroline: I assume we're talking about the baby now.
[Joey has just gotten two terrible reviews of his acting in a play.]
Joey: I've been doing this for ten years and I haven't gotten anywhere. There's gotta be a reason.
Ross: Oh c'mon. Maybe you're just... paying your dues.
Joey: No, no, no, it's too hard. It's not worth it. I quit.
Monica: Wait, wait, wait, wait one minute. Wait a minute. I believe this will change your mind. [Reads from the paper] "In a mediocre play, Joseph Tribbiani was able to achieve brilliant new levels of..." continued on page 153... "sucking."
Joey: I've been doing this for ten years and I haven't gotten anywhere. There's gotta be a reason.
Ross: Oh c'mon. Maybe you're just... paying your dues.
Joey: No, no, no, it's too hard. It's not worth it. I quit.
Monica: Wait, wait, wait, wait one minute. Wait a minute. I believe this will change your mind. [Reads from the paper] "In a mediocre play, Joseph Tribbiani was able to achieve brilliant new levels of..." continued on page 153... "sucking."
[Joey stares at Monica's fake breasts.]
Monica: Joey, they're not real.
Joey: ...Uh, what?
Monica: Mine start miles beneath the surface. See. [squeezes one twice, it goes "HONK, HONK"]
Chandler: Wow, it's like porno for clowns.
Monica: Joey, they're not real.
Joey: ...Uh, what?
Monica: Mine start miles beneath the surface. See. [squeezes one twice, it goes "HONK, HONK"]
Chandler: Wow, it's like porno for clowns.
[Joey stops over at Chandler and Eddie's during breakfast to pick up his mail.]
Joey All right, that's it! He just comes in here, "Johnny New Eggs," with his moving the mail and his "See ya, pals!" [imitates Eddie's salute] And now there's no juice. There's no juice for the people who want the juice and need the juice. I need the juice!
Joey All right, that's it! He just comes in here, "Johnny New Eggs," with his moving the mail and his "See ya, pals!" [imitates Eddie's salute] And now there's no juice. There's no juice for the people who want the juice and need the juice. I need the juice!
[Mindy's maid-of-honor Rachel appears in a poofy pink dress.]
Rachel: I can't believe I have to walk down the aisle in front of 200 people looking like something you drink when you're nauseous!
Rachel: I can't believe I have to walk down the aisle in front of 200 people looking like something you drink when you're nauseous!
[Monica serves Chandler and Joey some leftover chicken.]
Monica: Okay, I've got a leg, three breasts, and a wing.
Chandler: Well, how do you find clothes that fit?
Monica: Okay, I've got a leg, three breasts, and a wing.
Chandler: Well, how do you find clothes that fit?