Chandler: Here is the phone bill.
Joey: Oh, my...!!
Chandler: That's our phone number.

Chandler: Hey, some girl just walked up to me and said, "I want you, Dennis," and stuck her tongue down my throat. I love this party.
Joey: Quick volleyball question.
Chandler: Volleyball?
Joey: Yeah, we set up a court in your room. Uh, you didn't really like that grey lamp, did you?
Chandler: Joey, a woman just stuck her tongue down my throat. I'm not even listening to you.

Chandler: Hold on a second, Joe. Where do Dutch people come from?
Joey: Ah, well, the, uh, Pennsylvania Dutch come from Pennsylvania.
Chandler: And the, uh, other Dutch people? They come from somewhere near the Netherlands, right?
Joey: Nice try! See, the Netherlands is this make-believe place where Peter Pan and Tinkerbell come from.

Chandler: Honey? Leave it to the pros.

Chandler: How hard can it be, right? "Cheese. It's milk that you chew." "Crackers. Because your cheese needs a buddy." "A grape. Because who can get a water melon in your mouth?"

Chandler: I always thought having a heart attack was nature's way of telling you to die!
[Phoebe stares at him angrily.]
Chandler: But you're not gonna die... I mean... you -- you are going to die, but you're not gonna die today... I wish I was dead.

Chandler: I got her machine.
Joey: Her answering machine?
Chandler: No. Interestingly enough, her leaf-blower picked up.

Chandler: I got you something from Vermont! [Sits down at the table]
Monica: [Without looking up from what she's doing] Besides tampons and salt? [;;Then looks] Ooh! My...! Maple candy! That's so sweet of you. [Opens the box] That's weird... it's empty!
[Then Ross enters]
Ross: [Sounds excited] Hi you guys! what's going on, you... you guys wanna hang out... or... ? [Looks around the room nervously] do you... do you guys hear a buzzing?

Chandler: I know. I hate being left out of things.
Ross: I know. And it's a wedding. It'll be weird if I'm not in it.

Chandler: I mean, if you're not careful, you may not get married at all this year.

Chandler: I think, for us, kissing is pretty much like an opening act, y'know? I mean, it's like the stand-up comedian you have to sit through before Pink Floyd comes out.
Ross: Yeah, and -- and it's not that we don't like the comedian, it's that -- that... that's not... why we bought the ticket.
Chandler: You see, the problem is, though, after the concert's over, no matter how great the show was, you girls are always looking for the comedian again. Y'know? I mean, we're in the car, we're fighting traffic... basically, just trying to stay awake.
Rachel: Yeah, well, word of advice: bring back the comedian. Otherwise next time you're gonna find yourself sitting at home, listening to that album alone.
Joey: Are we still talking about sex?

Chandler: I was just at the bank and there was this really hot teller, and she didn't ask me to go do it with her in the vault!
Joey: Same kind of thing happened to me! Woman pizza-delivery guy comes over, gives me the pizza, takes the money and leaves!
Chandler: What? No "Nice apartment. I bet the bedrooms are huge?"
Joey: No! Nothing!
Chandler: You know what? We have to turn off the porn.

Chandler: I'm never gonna find a roommate, ever.
Phoebe: Why, nobody good?
Chandler: Well let's see, there was the guy with the ferrets, that's plural. The spitter. Oh-ho, and yes, the guy that enjoyed my name so much he felt the need to make a little noise every time he said it. "Nice to meet you, Chandler Bing, Bing! Great apartment, Chandler Bing, BING!"
Ross: So how many more do you have tomorrow?
Chandler: Two. This photographer, who seemed really dull. And this actor guy, who I'm not sure about, because when he called and I answered the phone "Chandler Bing," he said "Whoa, short message."

Chandler: I'm not great with the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?... Cheese?

Chandler: In college, Ross used to wear leg warmers!
Ross: Chandler entered a Vanilla Ice look-alike contest and won!
Chandler: Ross came in fourth and cried!
Ross: Hey!! I welled up!
[Monica is laughing hard]
Ross: You find that funny? Maybe Chandler should know some of your secrets!
Monica: I already told him everything! You shush!
Ross: Once, Monica was sent to her room without dinner, so she ate the macaroni off a jewellery box she made!
Monica: Ross used to stay home every Saturday night to watch Golden Girls!
Ross: Monica couldn't tell time till she was 13!
Monica: It's hard for some people!!
Chandler: Of course it is! [secretly backs off and mouths 'whoa']
Monica: Chandler once wore my underwear to work!
Chandler: HEY!!
Monica: I'm sorry! I couldn't think of any more for Ross!
Ross: In college, Chandler got drunk and slept with the lady who cleaned our dorm!
Chandler: That was you!
Ross: Whatever, dude! You kissed a guy!