Ross: Look, I drew a sketch about how we're gonna do it. Okay, Rach, that's you. That's the couch.
Rachel: Whoa, what's ... what's that?
Ross: Oh, that's me.
Rachel: Wow! You certainly think a lot of yourself.
Ross: No! That's ... that's my arm.
Chandler: Oh, I see. I thought you just really, really liked your new couch.

Ross: Look, I have a son. And his mother and I didn't live together, and whenever he was with me I took care of him all the time, by myself.
Mrs. Green: That's true. You do have another child.
Ross: Yeah.
Mrs. Green: With another woman. Have you no control Ross?

Ross: No divorces in '99! [blows a party horn]
Rachel: But your divorce hasn't been finalized yet.
Ross: Just the one divorce in '99! [blows the party horn again] You know what, I'm going to be happy this year. I am going to make myself happy.
Chandler: Do you want us to leave the room?
Ross: I am going to do one thing that I have never done before. That, my friends, is my New Year's resolution.
Phoebe: Ohh... that's a good one. Mine is to pilot a commercial jet.
Chandler: That's a good one too, Pheebs. Now all you have to find is a planeload of people whose New Year's resolution is to plummet to their deaths.

Ross: Not my first time in a hotel, my friend.
Chandler: OK, how about this? [Picks up the remote control]
Ross: No, no, no, you can't take the remote control!
Chandler: Yes, but the batteries...
[Ross claps his hands]
Chandler: Thank you, thank you very much!
Ross: Let's celebrate with some maple candy!
Chandler: No!
Ross: At least tell me where you hid it.

Ross: Oh no, no. Don't! Stop cleansing my aura.
Phoebe: But...
Ross: No. Just leave my aura alone, okay?
Phoebe: Fine... be murky.
Ross: I'll be fine. Really, you guys, I hope she'll be very happy.
Monica: No, you don't.
Ross: No, I don't! To hell with her! She left me!
Joey: And you never knew she was a lesbian?
Ross: No! Okay? Why does everyone keep fixating on that? She didn't know. How should I know?
Chandler: Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian. [everyone looks at him] Did I say that out loud?

Ross: Okay, then. Here we go. Magic 8-Ball, should I never see Rachel again? "Ask again later." Later is not good enough! "Ask again later." What the hell! This is broken! It... it is broken!
Monica: All right, let me see. Will Chandler have sex tonight? "Don't count on it." Seems like it works to me.

Ross: See, but I don't want to be single, okay? I just-- I just-- I just want to be married again.
[Rachel in a wedding dress enters the shop]
Chandler: And I just want a million dollars!.

Ross: Shame on you! Ugly baby judges you!

Ross: Someone at work ate my sandwich!
Chandler: Well, what did the police say?
Ross: My Thanksgiving leftover sandwich! I can't believe someone ate it!
Chandler: It's just a sandwich!
Ross: Just a sandwich? I'm 30 years old, I'm going to be divorced twice and I just got evicted! That sandwich was the only good thing going on in my life! SOMEONE ATE THE ONLY GOOD THING GOING ON IN MY LIFE! [pauses]
Monica: I have enough stuff for one more sandwich. I was going to eat it myself, but...
Ross: That would be incredible! Thank you so much! I still can't believe someone ate it!! I left a note!
Chandler: [reading the note] "Knock-knock." "Who's there?" "Ross Geller's lunch." "'Ross Geller's lunch' who?" "Ross Geller's lunch; please don't take me, ok?"
Joey: I'm surprised you didn't go home wearing your lunch!
Phoebe: You want to hold on to your food, you have to scare people off. I learned that living on the street.
Ross: Really? So what would you say? 'Keep your mitts off my grub'?
Chandler: Ross, when you picture Phoebe living on the street, is she surrounded by the entire cast of Annie?
Phoebe: [writing a note] This will keep them away from your stuff!
[Everyone sees the note and gasps]
Monica: Phoebe, you are a bad-ass!
Phoebe: Someday I'll tell you about the time I stabbed a cop!
Monica: Phoebe!
Phoebe: HE STABBED ME FIRST!!

Ross: Sorry your husband cheated on you.
Rachel: And I'm sorry your wife is gay. I guess women ain't that great either, huh?
Ross: Try telling my wife that.

Ross: This is so exciting. I haven't seen my monkey in almost a year!
Chandler: What, you never look down in the shower? [everyone looks at him] What, I can't make one reference to the classic "monkey-as-penis" joke?

Ross: Wait, what were you doing seeing her boobies?
Chandler: Look, it was an accident! It wasn't like I was across the street with a telescope and a box of doughnuts!

Ross: Wanna hear something weird?
Phoebe: Always!
Ross: Rachel and me are still married.
Phoebe: What?
Ross: I didn't get the annulment. We're still married. Don't tell Rachel. Okay, see you later...

Ross: Wasn't it supposed to be just a fling, huh? Shouldn't it be... flung by now?

Ross: We think Chandler might be having an affair.
Monica: What?
Rachel: Phoebe and I saw Chandler with a blonde woman today outside on the street, and then we followed them to a house in Westchester.
Phoebe: They went in together. I'm so sorry.
Monica: Oh, my... oh, my, that's awful... What did you think of the house?
Phoebe: What?
Joey: Monica, you understand what we're saying, right?
Monica: Yeah... sure... I'm... devastated, obviously!... Did you think the neighborhood was homey?
[Chandler enters]
Chandler: Hey!
Joey: You son of a bitch.
Chandler: Is it me, or have the greetings really gone downhill around here?