Beavis: Hey, that's not fair, that dude doesn't have to wear a hairnet!
Butt-head: Yeah. Maybe we should get a job at this place.
Beavis: Yeah really, it's like, you don't have to like, pay attention to the customers, and you just sit around and goof off.
Butt-head: We could put the hairnets on our nads.
Beavis: Yeah yeah. I mean, that's what I do anyways, but I also have to put one on my hair.
Butt-head: You put a hairnet on your nads?
Beavis: Yeah, yeah. You know, they're free.

Beavis: Hey, who is this?!
Butt-head: Uh, this is Greta. And this time, he's gone too far!
Beavis: Whoa, look at that wiener!
Butt-head: Yeah! Greta's got quite a unit on him!
Beavis: Yeah! [laughing] He probably has to wear a dress, 'cause like, he can't fit his unit inside a normal pair of pants! It's like, he tries to put his pants on, and it just goes "Boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oing!"

Beavis: Heyy, Butt-head. Heyy, I just thought of something. Who do you think would win in a fight between Plantman and Spoonman?
Butt-head: Uhh...I think Spoonman would win, cause he's, like, a bum. And he could, like, beat his head with spoons.
Beavis: Heyy, I just thought of something else.
Butt-head: How come you keep doing that, Beavis?
Beavis: Doing what?
Butt-head: That thing where you go "Heyy,"
Beavis: I dunno. It kinda feels good. Heyy, how's it goin'? Heyy.
Butt-head: Uhh, heyy. This does feel pretty good.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah. Heyy.
Butt-head: Heyy.
Beavis: This feels good. Heyy!
Butt-head: Heyy.
Beavis: Heyy!
Butt-head: Heyy.

Beavis: Holy crap!
Butt-head: Whoa! What the hell is this crap?
Beavis: Oh my God!
Butt-head: Is this, like, a joke?
Beavis: Yeah, yeah!
Butt-head: I think it's safe to say that this sucks.

Beavis: How come chicks like this dude so much?
Butt-head: There's some snakes and bombs in this. Maybe he has a bomb in his pants!
Beavis: Well, you know, um, you have a BM in your pants. So like, maybe you could, like, y'know, go up to a chick and say, uh, "Yeah, I have a bi-em in my pants".
Butt-head: Beavis, I was just kidding. I didn't poop in my pants. Dumbass.
Michael Bolton, How Am I Supposed to Live Without You

Beavis: How come that guy's wearing his mom's coat?
Butt-head: Uh, I think that's your mom's coat, Beavis. I think he's wearing it to show that he did her.
Beavis: Oh, oh, yeah, heh, what a slut. Woah, look, they're all wearing them.
Butt-head: I have one of those coats in my closet right now.
Beavis: You know, um, heh, you should go easy on my mom, Butt-head.
Butt-head: Isn't she already easy enough?
Beavis: Enough!

Beavis: How come these guys are acting so happy? They're about to get their wiener chopped off.
Butt-head: Uhh, what makes you think they're gonna get their wieners chopped off, Beavis?
Beavis: I dunno, isn't that what happens when you have an operation?
Butt-head: Boy, I tell ya, Beavis, you're a stupid son of a bitch. And your mother's a whore.
Beavis: My mom's a slut, she doesn't charge for it, bunghole, and I'm not stupid!

Beavis: How come whenever you see a chick band, they're always looking down at their hands when they play?
Butt-head: Maybe they're looking at their boobs; did you ever think of that?
Beavis: Oh yeah. I guess I would look at my boobs too.

Beavis: How does he do that? How does he sing all high and stuff?
Butt-head: Uhh, I think if you snip your nads off, it'll make you sing high like this.
Beavis: Really? That's cool.
Butt-head: You should try it, Beavis.
Beavis: Um...no, I don't think so.
Butt-head: Why not? Have you ever used your nads for anything?
Beavis: Not really. No, I guess not.
Butt-head: Don't your nads just, like, get in the way all the time and hurt when they get kicked and stuff?
Beavis: Yeah, I guess so.
Butt-head: Then why not just cut 'em off and see what happens?
Beavis: Let me just wait a minute, because I might need 'em for doing it.
Butt-head: Beavis, that's what your wiener's for, you don't need your nads for that.
Beavis: Oh yeah. Are you trying to trick me, Butt-head?
Butt-head: No.
Beavis: Well, do you use your nads for anything?
Butt-head: No. [Beavis kicks Butt-head in the testicles] AAAAAAAAAUUUUHHHHHH!!! Damn it, Beavis.
Beavis: See? That's what nads are for. Bunghole.
Ween, I Can't Put My Finger On It

Beavis: I didn't do it! I didn't do it! It was like...some foreigner.

Beavis: I didn't do it, bunghole! Heh heh.
[The lie detector's pulse papers are moving violently, Butt-head is still holding his breath, his face is now a red hued purple, he is now on the verge of losing consciousness]

Beavis: I don't think Dorothy was this hot in the movie.
Butt-head: Chicks were all like ugly in olden times...it was like, really messed up.
Beavis: I guess that's why old dudes are like all cranky and stuff. They're like [imitating an old man's voice] "Back in my day, you'd hardly ever get wood watching TV..." [babbles incoherently]
Blur, Chemical World

Beavis: I don't think he even wants to get up the escalator.
Butt-head: Maybe if he'd go buy something instead of monkeying around on the escalator, the economy wouldn't suck.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah, yeah! Get off your butt, get off that escalator and go by a Cinnabon! Maybe some Dippin' Dots.

Beavis: I got the last grape! [takes the last grape sucker]
Butt-head: No way, Beavis! I saw it first!
Beavis: [Spits on the sucker] My germs!
Butt-head: [slaps Beavis, causing him to scream] No way! [gets kicked in the groin, followed by the head] Uuh! [gets tackled by Beavis] Aah!
Beavis: [continues screaming] Butthole!
Beavis: [while they're on the couch, in a somewhat suggestive position] No way! Come on, Butt-head! I always get the grape!
Butt-head: It's not gonna taste like grape, when it's up your butt!

Beavis: I hate it when you go to the barber, and it's like, he starts cutting your hair and then he goes: "Soooo, how's school?"
Butt-head: Yeah. I usually say: "It sucks. Now shut up and cut my hair before I stick that comb up your butt!"
Beavis: You know, Butt-head, um, maybe that's why you get all those sucky hair cuts, y'know? Maybe you should try being a little nicer, yeah.
Butt-head: Beavis, I'm gonna shove a comb up your butt! My hair looks cool!
Pavement, Rattled by the Rush