Butt-head: They should get this guy on that 16 Minutes show instead of that old Mickey Rooney dude they got. He sucks.
Beavis: Check this out, Butt-head. [imitates Andy Rooney] You know what I don't understand? Why is it that every time I pick my nose, it's full again in a few minutes? Funk dat!
Butt-head: You sound just like that buttmunch.
Beavis: Check this out, too. [imitates Andy Rooney again] How come they call it taking a dump and not leaving a dump? I mean after all, you're not really taking it anywhere. Funk dat!
Sausage, Riddles Are Abound Tonight

Beavis: Hey Butt-head, does this Pantera guy ever relax?
Butt-head: Uhh, I don't think so. This guy's dad must have kicked his ass when he was a kid.
Beavis: Yeah, really. He was like, "Dammit Pantera, this beer is warm! Get me another one!"
Butt-head: Yeah. He was like, "You treat your stepmother with respect, Pantera! Or you'll be sleeping in the street!"
Beavis: He's like, "Dammit Pantera, I told you to get out there and mow that lawn! Oh, what's this? Is that a tear, Pantera? Oh, is daddy's little girl upset? I'm gonna kick your ass into next Tuesday, now get outta here! And quit acting like a damn little girl!"
Pavement, Cut Your Hair

Beavis: Whoa, is this a demolition derby?
Butt-head: Uh, yeah! I think it is. Demolition derbies kick ass!
Beavis: Yeah, yeeeeeaaaaahhhh! Y'know, I can't think of anything, that kicks as much ass, as a demolition derby! Yeah!
Butt-head: Yeah. Does your mom still go out to Sunset Speedway and watch those?
Beavis: Yeah, yeah, yeah! "SUNDAY, SUNDAY, SUNDAY! SUNSET SPEEDWAY PRESENTS THE DUKES OF DIRT, DERBYYYYY! THE BARONS OF FAST, THE KINGS OF CRASH, IT'S A SMASH UP DERBY SPECTACULAR, WITH CHILLS, THRILLS, AND BONE CRUNCHING SPILLS! Ticket price pays for the whole seat, BUT YOU'LL ONLY NEED THE EEEEDDDDDDGGGEEEE! WHHHHAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!"
Butt-head: Shut up, Beavis. Your voice is too high to do that. [in a very high pitched voice] "Sunday, Sunday, Sunday!"
Beavis: Shut up, butthole! Check this out, [in a deeper voice] "Sunday, Sunday, Sundaaayyyy!"
Butt-head: You have a high voice, Beavis!
Beavis: SHUT UP, BUTT-HEAD, I don't talk like that!
Vince Neil, Sister of Pain

Butt-head: You know what might make it different is like, you know, if you were really dizzy when you were watching this.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah, if you were all like dizzy in the head and you were watching this!
Butt-head: Yeah. Want me to strike you?
Beavis: No, I know how to make myself dizzy, check it out. I learned this one time, check this out. [Beavis puts his thumb in his mouth and blows very hard, eventually hyperventilating. He then goes into a trance.] I think there's a problem with this video, as it is highly derivative of many popular bands within the genre, although when viewed on its own merit, it does have a decent groove.
Butt-head: Uh, Beavis?
Beavis: However, what it has in groove, it lacks in originality.
Butt-head: What's your problem?
Beavis: One can't help but be reminded of such bands as Pearl Jam, White Zombie, Suicidal Tendencies, and other bands that bear the mantle of so-called alternative rock.
Butt-head: You're talking like a dork, Beavis!
Beavis: One is even reminded of Laurie Anderson when she wore curlers. This video speaks less to the heart, and more to the sphincter.
Butt-head: Beavis!
Beavis: In closing, I think Korn would do well to learn more from...[Butt-head hits him several times]...AAAAAHHH!!! OW!!! Whoa, what happened?
Butt-head: You got all dizzy and then you started talking like a dumbass.
Beavis: Whoa, really? Wow.
Butt-head: But then you did say spinxter.
Lenny Kravitz, Is There Any Love in Your Heart

Butt-head: I'm hungry, Beavis. Go make some pancakes.
Beavis: Come on, Butt-head, I wanna watch this.
Butt-head: Uhh, you can watch it later. It's gonna be on about 50 times.
Beavis: Really? Well, okay. I guess I can make some pancakes. [exits the room. all further lines are yelled from the kitchen] Okay, where's the syrup?!
Butt-head: [calling out ] You gotta make the pancakes first, dumbass!
Beavis: Um...where's the spatula?
Butt-head: Uhh, I think it's in my bedroom!
Beavis: Oh, okay! [Beavis can be heard running]
Butt-head: Look under the bed!
Beavis: Oh, there's the pan, too! Cool! [walks back to the kitchen, passes by Butt-head] Hey, how's it going?
Butt-head: Hey. Pretty good.
Beavis: [hums] Dun dun da dun...[yells from the kitchen] How's that video?
Butt-head: It's pretty cool, now shut up and get cooking!
Beavis: How much mayonnaise do I put in?
Butt-head: None!
Beavis: One what? Okay, I'll just put one cup then. [long beat] Hey Butt-head, is there supposed to be smoke?
Butt-head: Uhh, I think so. [the smoke alarm goes off]
Beavis: AAH! OW!!
Wilson Phillips, Release Me

911 Operator: Is there an emergency, sir?
Beavis: Butt-head's like, choking. Heh heh, on chicken.
911 Operator: Have you performed the Heimlich?
Beavis: Uhm, is this like, one of those 976 numbers? Heh, what are you wearing?
911 Operator: I repeat, have you heimliched the victim?
Beavis: Have I licked his rectum? Heh, No way! But uh, one time me and Butt-head were playing truth or dare, and uh...
911 Operator: Sir, please. If you want to save your friend's life, you need to perform the Heimlich Maneuver.
Beavis: [looks down at Butt-head's butt] Uhm...heh, he's not really my friend.

Beavis: [acting as a waiter] Uh, hi, Butt-head.
Butt-head: Hi, Master Beavis.
Beavis: I was suppose to introduce me, bunghole! Uh, welcome to a restaurant. Would you like to take my order?
Butt-head: Yeah, get me some nachos, buttwipe!
Mr. Manners [grabs Butt-head by the collar]: Listen, you little...t-t-twerp! This is my job, this is how I make money! Don't screw with me! [goes back to his place] Now, how about using some manners?
Butt-head: Manners suck.
Beavis: Hey Butt-head. Don't "screw" with him.
Butt-head: Yeah, he sure does like to touch.
Beavis: He tried to touch my weiner!
Mr. Manners: WHAT? YOU LITTLE LIAR! [starts strangling Beavis]
Beavis: BACK OFF, YOU PERVERT!
Mr. Manners: [David Van Driessen comes in] He's lying!
David Van Driessen: Hey! Don't you dare lay a finger on my students! [breaks them up] Beavis, did he hit you?
Beavis: Heh. Um. Heh. Yes, sir. Heh. He did. Heh. Thank you for your concern.
Mr. Manners: What?! you little dirtball!! [goes to attack Beavis, but Van Driessen's hand stops him]
David Van Driessen: You want to touch my students, I'll touch you!!! [Van Driessen and Mr. Manners get into a smack fight, the students start cheering]
Mr. Manners: I'll get you, you little punks!!!
Butt-head: Uh, no thank you, sir.
Beavis: Yeah. Thank you. Drive through.
David Van Driessen: Stop it! [throws a punch] Stop it!
Mr. Manners: You're dead, hippie.
David Van Driessen: You're going to jail, jackass!
Mr. Manners: You're going down, Woodstock!
David Van Driessen: [throws another punch] Take that, you Fascist!!!!
Mr. Manners: You're hurting me! Security!!

Buzzcut: Soooo, Beavis and Butthead. I understand Mr. McVicker has made a little arrangement with you guys, yeah a little probation. You see, class, Beavis and Butthead here, are not allowed to laugh for a whole week. That's right, and if they do laugh, they'll be expelled and they'll have to go to Hope High School where they'll get their asses kicked on a daily basis by all the other delinquents! Ha ha ha!
[class giggles, except for Beavis and Butthead who struggle to hold their laughter]
Buzzcut: Well I was real glad to hear that because this is Sex Education week. That's right, Sex Ed week! [Beavis and Butt-head struggle to hold in their laughter] We're gonna be talking about the PENIS! We'll be talking about the VAGINA! Do you think that's funny, Butthead?! Do you find it amusing that we'll be talking about the testicles?! [Butt-head strans to hold in his laughter] Yes we're also gonna be talking about Venereal Disease. Sexual intercourse! The Scrotum. The Clitoris. And...And we will definitely be spending a LOT of time talking about MASTURBATION! [class giggles; Beavis and Butt-head struggle to hold in their laughter] Well, now that's out of the way, let's take roll. Butkis!
Butkiss: Here. Ha ha ha.
Buzzcut: Gaylord! Hymen!
[school bell rings and Beavis and Butt-head dart out of the doors, rapidly laughing]
Butt-head: Huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh, huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh...
Beavis: Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh, heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh...
Note: This is the DVD cut version which was edited to be exactly 6 minutes. In the original version, Buzzcut also says that they will be talking about the "scrotum" and "clitoris," but does not take roll of the names with obvious vulgar connotations. Also, a scene at the end in which Beavis and Butt-head say "They said penis...they said masturbation...they said vagina...that was cool" is not present.

Gordon Gano: Dark voices are talking to me...
Butt-head: Hey Beavis, that guy says he hears dark voices in his head.
Beavis: Oh really? I hear voices too, but it's like, usually they're white guys. Sometimes it's, like, you know, a Chinese dude too, that talks to me. And a couple of Mexicans.
Butt-head: Really? What does the Chinese guy say?
Beavis: He says [high-pitched Chinese accent] "Pull down your pants. Spank your monkey."
Butt-head: And what does the white guy say?
Beavis: The same thing. But he talks just like me.

Butt-head: Hey, check it out, it's that dude from Andy of Mayberry.
Beavis: Oh yeah. You mean Barney? [imitates Don Knotts] Well, Andy, I'm gonna go over to Mount Pilot and worship Satan.
Butt-head: That doesn't sound like him, Beavis.
Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head!
Butt-head: Hey Beavis, I just thought of something. Goober spelled backwards is "booger".
Beavis: Oh yeah. That's cool. So, like, um, what's booger spelled backwards?
Butt-head: Uh, lets see. Uhhh...I dunno.

Beavis: [in time with the song] Damn it, damn it, son of a bitch. Damn it, damn it, son of a bitch.
Butt-head: If those were the words, it'd be cool!
Beavis: I was thinking of writing a song called "Damn it, Son of a bitch!" And it's gonna go something like "Damn it, damn it, son of a bitch/Damn it, damn it, son of a bitch/Son of a BIIIITTTCCCHHHH!/SON OF A BITCH, SON OF A BITTTCCHHH!/Dammit dammit dammit".
Butt-head: That's pretty cool.

Ms. Jenkins: Well, good morning everyone. My name is Miss Jenkins and I'm a speech therapist. And I guess a lot of you were wondering "why do I need speech therapy?"
Beavis: Yeah.
Ms. Jenkins: I already know how to speak. What can I learn here? You know, sometimes people don't even realize they have a speech impediment.
Beavis: What's a speech im-pediment?
Butt-head: Speech im-pediments suck!
Ms. Jenkins: A person shouldn't be ashamed of having a speech impediment. As a matter of fact, many highly intelligent and creative people are speech impaired.
Butt-head: Hey Beavis, that dude has boob.
Ms. Jenkins: And once they begin to be more aware of how they sound, they are better able to correct themselves.
Beavis: Butt-head, that what I think it is?
Butt-head: Yeah, that's pretty cool.
Ms. Jenkins: Well, I'm glad to hear that Butt-head and we're all glad to have you on our little speech team.
Butt-head: Eee, can you get out of the way?
Beavis: Yeah really.
Ms. Jenkins: Well, I'll tell you what boys. I have some other pictures in my briefcase that are even more interesting than that one.
Butt-head: Really?
Beavis: What could be more interesting than this?
Ms. Jenkins: Well, how about a picture taken from right up inside the larynx?
Beavis: Wow, no way!
Butt-head: How could you get a camera up there?
Ms. Jenkins: Well, I'll be happy to show you after you practice this next exercise, OK?
Butt-head: This is gonna be cool.
Beavis: Yeah yeah, boi-oi-oi...
Ms. Jenkins: OK now, we're going to use these mirrors to observe our lips, and teeth, and tongue during speech.
Butt-head: Butt-munch, dill-lead.
Beavis: Ass-wipe, butt-hole.
Butt-head: Ass-munch
Ms. Jenkins: Butt-head, this might be a good time to work on your "s".
Butt-head: Eeeh, I didn't know my ass needed any work.
Ms. Jenkins: Now don't get defensive Butt-head, I just want to try to clean it up a little, OK? Now try this. Make a "t" sound, then throw it out like this. Everyone, let's try to help Butt-head, OK?
Butt-head: Hey Beavis, check it out!
Ms. Jenkins: Settle down please, all right boys? OK. What I'd like everyone to do is to repeat these sentences while watching your mouth in your mirrors, OK? All right, here goes: Speaking slowly as such can say just as much.
Butt-head: Whoa, she just said "ass munch"!
Beavis: Yeah, this chick rules. "Ass munch"!
Ms. Jenkins: Very good, boys! As much.
Beavis: Ass munch!
Butt-head: Ass munch!
Ms. Jenkins: All right, let's try this one. Half haste helps, but whole haste hinders.
Butt-head: Whoa, she just said "butthole"!
Beavis: Yeah yeah, butthole!
Ms. Jenkins: But whole haste...
Beavis: Yeah yeah, butthole butthole! This is cool. Bunghole!
Ms. Jenkins: No no Beavis, listen closely. But whole, but whole.
Beavis: Oooh yeah yeah.
Principal McVicker: I just came by to see if these two little bastards have done anything I can suspend them for.
Ms. Jenkins: Actually principal McVicker, these boys have done very well. Beavis, Butt-head, would you like to show your principal what you've learned today?
Butt-head: Assmunch
Beavis: And butthole. Butthole.
Principal McVicker: Watch your mouth, you little sons of bitches.
Ms. Jenkins: Principal, please. Now I don't want you to take this to the wrong way, principal. But I've noticed that you have a litle trouble expressing yourself sometimes.
Principal McVicker: What?
Butt-head: McVicker is a dumbass. He doesn't know how to talk to chicks.
Beavis: Yeah really. He's probably like "....." Boi-oi-oi...

Mr. Herrera: Bueno. Recuerdan por favor, clase, siempre contestan en Espa�ol. Bueno? [he walks to the back of the room with a sign that says Juan es Alto] Senor Butt-head, ¿Como es Juan?
Butt-head: Uh, burritos.
Mr. Herrera: No no no, ¿Como es Juan? ¿Como es Juan?
Butt-head: Uh, guacamole.
Mr. Herrera: No, no. ¿Senor Beavis, Como es Juan?
Beavis: Um, spaghetti.
Butt-head: Heh heh. Spaghetti?
Mr. Herrera: Spaghetti? That's Italian, you moron! Dammit! You idiots have been in this class for almost a whole school year, and the only Spanish you know is what you learned at Taco Bell!! ..And Beavis can't even get that right! I'm gonna give you little bastards just ten seconds to come up with a sentence in Spanish, and if you can't, you're both going to the principal's office and you're both flunking. [pause] Well, I'm waiting.
Butt-head: Uuuuh.. [mocks Spanish accent] rendo-pordo-curdoh-nut-a-ben-yubarduhvuh Rico Suave. Huh-huh.
[The class are heard laughing.]
Mr. Herrera: Principal's office, now!
Beavis: [Gears are turning in his head] Uh, Taco Supreme.
[The class continues laughing.]
Mr. Herrera: Get out! Now!

Beavis: What is that?
Butt-head: It's a hoe.
Beavis: Yeah, I know, but what's that thing she's dragging behind her? [Butt-head laughs] Why is that funny?
Butt-head: Because, Beavis, you thought when I said a hoe, that thought I was talking about the chick. But I was talking about the hoe.
Beavis: Okay, but why is that funny?
Butt-head: Dammit Beavis! Because, like, when a word means two things like that, it's pretty funny.
Beavis: I'll be damned. I didn't know that.
Butt-head: You know, it's like, choking your chicken could be, like, if you had a pet chicken, and you were choking it. [as in literally asphyxiating a chicken] Or it could mean, like, you're choking your chicken. [as in masturbation]
Beavis: [laughing] Oh yeah. That's funny! Choking your chicken, that's pretty funny. I get that one. Okay, I got one - masturbating! [laughs]
Butt-head: Uhh, that doesn't work, Beavis.
Beavis: Yeah it does! I do it all the time!

Beavis: Hey Butt-head, did you know I'm from Compton?
Butt-head: Damnit Beavis, shut up. You're not from Compton.
Beavis: No way Butt-head, I'm serious. I was kicking it on the street. It was hard times. I used to drink gin and juice, it was cool.
Butt-head: Beavis, you're a white wussy from right here.
Beavis: No way Butt-head, you don't know, you weren't around then. Yeah, me and Snoop, we used to go to the Compton swap meet together.
Butt-head: Beavis, you used to go to the flea market with your mom.
Beavis: No way Butt-head, see, I wear this shirt because these are my colors.
Butt-head: Beavis...
Beavis: Yep, I'm a straight G.
Butt-head: ...shut up.
Beavis: Goin to the Compton swap meet with Snoop. Sometimes I used to kick it with Dre.
Butt-head: Beavis, shut up. You've never been to Compton, you're never gonna go to Compton, you're gonna be here for the rest of your life, you're stupid, you don't have any money and you're never gonna score.
Beavis: [mumbling] Um, heh, oh yeah.
Jill Sobule, I Kissed a Girl