"Your touch, I shiver
Your tongue, I quiver
My loins, my liver
I, the taker; you, the giver"

Do you like my poem?
Butt-head: Err...
Beavis: Yeah! Your loins, your liver!
Female beatnik: There's plenty more inside.

'Butt-:Head':::Insert speaker's name:::Insert speaker's name:yuiy78yhhiffuygyg::: huh-huh-huh. me sohorny
Beavis and Butt-head walk up to a female police officer who is posing as a prostitute.

911 Operator: Is there an emergency, sir?
Beavis: Butt-head's like, choking. Heh heh, on chicken.
911 Operator: Have you performed the Heimlich?
Beavis: Uhm, is this like, one of those 976 numbers? Heh, what are you wearing?
911 Operator: I repeat, have you heimliched the victim?
Beavis: Have I licked his rectum? Heh, No way! But uh, one time me and Butt-head were playing truth or dare, and uh...
911 Operator: Sir, please. If you want to save your friend's life, you need to perform the Heimlich Maneuver.
Beavis: [looks down at Butt-head's butt] Uhm...heh, he's not really my friend.

911 Operator: What's the emergency, sir?
[Beavis laughs]

Alice Cooper: I can't get a girl 'cause I ain't got a car.
Butt-head: Yeah!
Beavis: Yeah yeah, really!
Alice: I can't get a car 'cause I ain't got a job.
Beavis: Yeah, really!
Butt-head: Yeah.
Beavis: Me neither.
Butt-head: Me neither.
Alice: I can't get a job 'cause I ain't got a car.
Butt-head: Yeah!
Beavis: Yeah, really.
Butt-head: Life sucks.
Alice: So I'm looking for a girl with a job and a car.
Butt-head: Whoa! Find a girl with a job and a car. That's a good idea.
Beavis: Oh yeah. This guy's really smart!
Butt-head: Yeah. It's like he figures out what his problems are, and then he figures out what to do with it.

Alice: I can't go to school 'cause I ain't got a gun.
Butt-head: Preach on, brother Cooper.
Beavis: Mmhmm, I know that's right.
Alice: I ain't got a gun 'cause I ain't got a job.
Beavis: Mmmhmm, I heard that.
Alice: I ain't got a job 'cause I can't go to school
Butt-head: That sucks.
Alice: So I'm looking for a girl with a gun and a job. And a house, with cable.
Butt-head: He doesn't get cable?
Beavis: What a dumbass. If you don't have cable, you might as well, um...go to school or something.
Butt-head: He can't go to school, remember? He doesn't have a job or a girl or a car or cable.
Beavis: He doesn't have cable? No way. I thought all rock stars had cable and stuff.
Corrosion of Conformity, Clean My Wounds

Animal shelter worker: What do you do if your dog accendently goes to the bathroom in your house.
Beavis: (Fending off the dog in the backround) Rub his nose in it.
Butt-head: Uhh I'd kick his ass.
Beavis: Rub his nose in it, then kick his ass.

Animal shelter worker: You do know what a dog like this eats?
Butt-Head: Uhh.. garbage.

Bartender: I already told you kids! You don't have ID, you look underage, and if I serve you, I'll go to jail!!
Butthead: Uhh...how about one for the road?
Beavis: Yeah, like one to help me forget or something?
Joe from AA meeting: Don't worry, man, these are good kids. Y'know, you guys remind me a lot of when I was your age.
Butthead: Yeah, some day we're gonna be just like you.
Beavis: Yeah, we're gonna be drunk. (Joe falls on the floor in drunken stupor)

Beaver: [who is on TV] Gee Wally, dad said not to. And besides, I don't want him to holler at me.
Butt-head: Uhuhuhuh...beaver.
Beavis: Yeah yeah, Beaver kicks ass. But it's like, um, that'd not really what stuff was like back then.
Butt-head: Yeah. It's like, if this was real, and it was like the 50's, things would be all different and stuff.

Beavis and Butt-head: Here, toadie, toadie.

Beavis and Butt-Head: STEWART'S HOUSE!!!

Beavis+Butt-head: [[singing to the tune of "Breaking the Law" by Judas Priest ] Washing the dog, washing the dog! Washing the dog!

Beavis, Butt-head: [in unison] Diarrhea, cha cha cha! Diarrhea, cha cha cha!
Daria: Get a life.
Butt-head:go away, diarrhea!

Beavis: [after accidentally forcing a screw through his hand, playing with an action figure and a screwdriver] Ahh! Butt-Head!
Butt-Head: [referring to the screw] It's in his butt.
Beavis: It hurts!
Butt-Head: Uh, I wouldn't know.
Beavis: Uh, oh yeah! Well, I mean, the screw, went into my hand! Come on, get it out!
Stewart: Oh my God! He's bleeding!
Butt-Head: Cool! Uh, don't worry, I'll fix it.
Beavis: Come on, Butt-Head, do something! [Butt-Head grabs a power drill] AHH! [holds hand away]
Butt-Head: Settle down, Beavis! [Beavis looks unsure] Uh, okay this is gonna hurt you a lot more than it's gonna hurt me. How hold still, dumbass! [Beavis, shuts his eyes and holds both hands out to Butt-Head, who accidentally forces the screw even deeper, through his other hand attaching his hands together]
Beavis: Cut it out, bunghole!!
Stewart: [panicking] OH MY GOD!
Butt-Head: Uhh, I think this screwdriver's like broken or something.
Stewart: Oh my God! Butt-Head, you gotta get Beavis to the hospital!
Butt-Head: Don't worry, Beavis. It's not the first time you've screwed your hand.
Beavis: Oh yeah! Ow!