Ross: I got some bad news. The producer and his wife are getting a divorce.
Alasdair: Oh, great! For a minute there, I thought it was something really serious.
Ross: But wait a minute, it is more serious than you guys think. You see, the producer's wife gets half of everything he owns, and that includes this show. (Suddenly, we hear someone moaning.)
Christine: What was that?
Ross: The producer. They just told him.
Lisa: I still don't get it. So she gets half of the show. What's the big deal?
Ross: The big deal is she's taking her half of this show right now.
Christine: Okay, Ross. You tell us. Which half of the show does she get?
(Suddenly, the left half of the screen goes blank, and Alasdair, Lisa and Marjorie disappear.)
Ross: That half.

Ross: There! Five minutes. That about to be enough time for you to clean your language young man!
Doug: Oh Ross, get me something to wash the taste away!
Ross: Like what?
Doug: Water, anything, quick!
[Doug is drenched]

Vanessa: Doug, what's the matter?
Doug: I'm doomed. No one on this show has been slimed yet, and I just know I'm going to be the one to get it.
Vanessa: Cheer up, Doug, you've got to think positive. Anyway, what makes you think you're the one who's going to be slimed?
Doug: You know, you're right, Vanessa. Why should I feel so down? I don't know what came over me!
[Doug is slimed]
Vanessa: Well, I guess sometimes you've just gotta go with your feelings!

(Alasdair, Alanis, Adam and Kai are partying in the living room and having a wonderful time, when they hear their parents' voices outside the door.)
Mrs. Prevert: Children! We're home from the convention!
Mr. Prevert: Hi kids!
Alasdair: Oh no! We weren't supposed to be having a party! Quick, clean up!
Adam: They'll kill us!
(The children frantically begin trying to clean up the messy living room, but don't get far when the door opens and Mom and Dad enter.)
Mr. Prevert: (sees mess) HEY! Whaaaat's been goin' on here?!
Adam: Well...
Alasdair: Some... some... some bunch of burglars broke in here and tied us all up, and then they went really wild and crazy and had a party!
Kai: And... and you should have seen the Pin the Tail on the Donkey game! It was terrible!
Mrs. Prevert: Oh, no! Are you kids all right?
Alasdair: Well, we're kind of in shock right now.
Mr. Prevert: Okay, listen - I am gonna call the police.
Alanis: Dad, don't be too hard on them, you know, just because they didn't clean up the place.
Mrs. Prevert: Oh, don't you worry, Alanis. Those burglars are going to get their just deserts. You see (holds up fish bone), those burglars ate some salmon that was contaminated with food poisoning, and they are all going to be very sick any minute now.
(The kids immediately get sick and begin to throw up.)

(At Blip's Arkaid)
Alasdair: What's that game you're playing? I've never seen it before.
Kevin: Well, it's brand new. It's a game desgined about the great outdoors and animals and trees and stuff like that.
Alasdair: Yeah, it looks okay. What's it called?
Kevin: "Backpack-Man", of course.
Alasdair: Of course.

(Doug, the paperboy, walks up to the Preverts' front step to collect his fee. Mr. and Mrs. Prevert, who have spots all over their faces, are holding a sign that says "QUARANTINE.")
Mrs. Prevert: Oh, keep away, little boy! It isn't safe!
Doug: What is this?!
Mrs. Prevert: Oh, young man, we're under quarantine, can't you see? You have to stay away.
Doug: Listen lady, I don't care if you're under quarantine. I've come to get the money for the paper, and I'm gonna get it, you know.
Mr. Prevert: Hey kid, we'd love to pay ya. Can't you read, we're under quarantine! We have got "spotted faaaaaaaceatosis"! You catch it and you die! I'm sorry!
Doug: (scared) Oh, well that's okay then. Maybe I'll come back next week, and - and - and I'll get my money then, okay? (runs off quickly, leaving his bag of papers behind)
Mr./Mrs. Prevert: Bye!
Mr. Prevert: Nice boy.
Mrs. Prevert: Oh Lance, this quarantine idea of yours is sheer genius! (begins to rub some of the spots off her face, revealing the spots to be only ink) Ever since we pretended we had "spotted faceatosis," well, we've saved all kinds of money! My goodness, we haven't had to pay the milkman, the vacuum cleaner repairman, the car salesman, it's wonderful. You're a genius.
Mr. Prevert: Genius? Valerie, I really have got spotted faaaaaceatosis. I think you've got it too.
Mrs. Prevert: What?
Mr. Prevert: (pointing to a spot on Valerie's nose) That one ain't gonna come off.

(Vanessa and Doug are playing cards as Valerie enters)
Vanessa: I'm in luck! Three sevens, Dougie! I won! Peel.
Valerie: (gasping) Children! I would be horrified that you would be playing like strip poker! It's immoral!
Doug: No, mom, not strip poker, food poker. (He peels a banana.)
Valerie: Oh. I've never head of food poker. I'm sorry, Dougie. I don't know what I was thinking of.
Doug: By the way, mom, what is strip poker?
Valerie: Never you mind, young man. Just eat that banana.
Vanessa: Hey, Dougie, wanna play another hand, double or nothing?

a blooper from the original live and local version of this episode, as aired in 1981 on CJOH:
Kevin Kubusheskie: So, come on down to Camp Fortune, because... (gets blank look on his face, and turns to Moose) ...because???
Christine: (still walking around the link set carrying her "On Strike" sign) Listen, I'm not gonna tell ya they have to answer the question, all right?
Kevin K.: Oh yeah, and answer a simple question. ... What is it, Rod?
Rodney: Well, the question is, "What is the name of our floor director"?
Christine: HEY! Hey, I know that one! Yeah, I know, I know!
Ross: No, wait a minute, you can't play, because you're on strike! Heh heh!
Christine: Aw...
Kevin Schenk: Anyway, if you see our Mystery Skiier, all you have to do is come down to Camp Fortune, and find out what Ross's name is. (realizes what he has just said) Ross? ... Aww....
Christine: (smacks Kevin in the head with her sign) Youuuuuuu LUNKHEAD! Ugh! ... Well, what about the last thing?
Kevin K.: (blankly) What last thing?
Christine: The Roving Camera! JEEZ!
Kevin K.: Oh yeah, and that's where our Roving Camera will be, so come on down and tell a joke or give us your views on dating... (grins mischeviously) girls.
Christine: Oh, and boys! Don't forget boys!
Kevin S.: Shut up, Moose, you're on strike!

Elizabeth was sent to detention for putting on makeup in class, and has just been busted by the principal for putting on more makeup in detention.
Principal: Elizabeth, you know it's against the rules to wear makeup during school hours!
Elizabeth: But sir, it's after school hours now, isn't it?
Principal: It's still against the rules to wear makeup in school.
Elizabeth: Oh, dear. Well, I don't want to break any more rules. I guess I'd better leave right away.
Principal: I guess you'd better. And let this be a lesson to you, never to wear makeup in school again.
Elizabeth: All right, I won't. [She leaves]
Principal: [Suddenly realizing he's been tricked] ...Wait a minute!... Just once, why can't I win just once?!

[A door-to-door saleswoman (Alanis) walks up to the Preverts' front door and rings the bell. Mrs. Prevert answers, her red hair in curlers.]
Mrs. Prevert: Yes, dear?
Alanis: Ravon Calling! Good morning or afternoon, sir or madam, as the case may be. As advertised on television, we would like to offer you a beauty program that will leave you looking years younger. Try our new beauty cream absolutely free of charge.
Mrs. Prevert: Oh, I certainly will! Oh!
[Mrs. Prevert excitedly rubs some of the cream on her cheeks. A puff of smoke, and she is transformed into a little girl.]
Young Mrs. Prevert: (Stephanie) Wow, it really works! I feel years younger!
[Young Mrs. Prevert excitedly reaches for more cream.]
Alanis: No, don't take any more... I wouldn't recommend it...
[Mrs. Prevert rubs more cream on her cheeks anyway. Another puff of smoke, and she is transformed into an infant (doll).]
Alanis: (Picking up Mrs. Prevert) The manual never said anything about this!

[after begin watered]
Christine: It's not fair! I don't even splat pies! I'm a pure, innocent, and honest girl.
[The crew starts laughing... enough said.]

[Alasdair Gillis, Doug Ptolemy and Robert Enns are seated on the bench in their football uniforms, furiously scratching their itchy feet.]
Robert: This itching is driving me crazy!
Alasdair: Me too. I wish there were something we could do to get rid of it.
[Enter the Coach, carrying a can of foot powder.]
Coach: Itch no more! He-Man Foot Powder is here! It'll not only cure the itch, but your feet will smell like a rose.
Doug: Just what we've been looking for!
[The boys excitedly sprinkle the powder on their feet.]
Alasdair: OW! This kills!
Coach: But has the itching stopped?
Robert: Yes, the itching has stopped, but now our feet hurt from the thorns!
Coach: And they smell like roses! [To the camera] He-Man Foot Spray! Ya can't take it, yer not a man!
(The boys begin to cry and wail.)

[An Opposite Sketch. A young man comes in wearing a trenchcoat, hat and sunglasses, carrying a violin case]
Mr. Prevert: Hey Kevin! Come here. Where do you think you're going with that? [points to the violin case]
Kevin: I'm gonna go shoot up the neighborhood, Dad.
[Kevin opens the violin case to reveal a machine gun]
Mr Prevert: I thought you were going to some boring violin lesson or something like that. Go on. Have fun!

[An Opposite Sketch. In this sketch, Christine, Lisa and Doug lean in progressively closer toward Kevin, who is wearing a leather jacket, and finally are leaning in so close that he falls out of his desk.]
Christine: Look whose Mommy didn't make him wear a sailor suit to school!
Lisa: ...Who dresses like a punk!
Doug: ...Who isn't Mommy's little darling!
Christine: ...Who's not a big sissy!

[An Opposite Sketch. Kevin and Lisa are watching TV in the bedroom, and there are some near-erotic sounds coming from the TV, in Kevin and Lisa's voices: "Oh, Kevin!" "Oh, Lisa!" Suddenly there's a knock at the door]
Lisa: Uh oh...
Mrs. Prevert: Lisa, have you got that television set on in there?!
Lisa: Uh, no Mom!
Mrs. Prevert: Well then, what's going on in there? I heard voices.
Lisa: I've got a boy in here with me!
Mrs. Prevert: Well, that's okay then. Just don't let me catch you with that television set on.
Lisa: Right, Mom! [To Kevin] We've got her mad now; I guess we'd better turn it off!
Kevin: Just as it was getting interesting!
Lisa: What do we do now?
Kevin: Got any cards?