Announcer: [after the closing credits roll, over a shot of Lisa, Christine and Kevin being gobbled up by a Pac-Man] You Can't Do That On Television has been an Eat 'Em Up Production. [The Pac-Man belches]

Announcer: You Can't Do That On Television can now be seen in Prime Slime Viewing Hours.
Christine: Don't you mean, "Prime Time" Viewing Hours?
[Christine is slimed]
Announcer: [Laughing] Nope, I mean, "Prime Slime" Viewing Hours!
Christine: Figures. What else? ... Thanks!

Christine: You know, when you're doing a TV show and you're trying to remember your lines like I am right now, you tend to develop a lot of really strange fears. Sometimes you'll forget some of the teapots. ... No, no, what I meant to say is sometimes you'll forget some of the whips. ... Okay, the words. Sometimes you'll forget the words, and you'll leave out an important cabbage. ... Forget it, let's just go on to the next cream pie.
Season 4 (1983)

Christine: [holding up a video game cartridge] Now this is the ultimate video cartridge. It lets you play with your favorite TV program and do what you've always wanted to do. Like, you could shoot down all those stupid little Smurfs, or you could make The Dukes of Hazzard get into a 20-car collision, or you could sink The Love Boat; think of it - you could commit arson...
[She is cut off by a musical fanfare and yellow screen reading "THE END."]
Christine: [voiceover, over "THE END" screen] Okay, which one of you guys out there has one of these cartridges? Aw, c'mon, you guys, I didn't think they were on the market yet! Okay, a joke's a joke, but, let's get back to the show now. Okay, it was funny at first, but... [screen fades out]

Christine: [Takes a fingerful of icing from the chocolate cake before her on the table, then thinks better of it] Oh... no, I can't do it. It's a good thing I stopped myself in time. A little chocolate cake binge would have meant another five pounds. Oh, I wish I was thin!
[A puff of smoke, and the Unfairy Godmother appears]
Unfairy Godmother: Sorry, but I had trouble hearing that last part.
Christine: I said I wish I was thinner.
Unfairy Godmother: Thinner! And so you shall be!
[Another puff of smoke, and Christine is changed into a can of Paint Thinner]
Unfairy Godmother: The Unfairy Godmother strikes again! ... Wait a minute, I just thought of something; I was going to paint my gazebo this weekend. [Picks up the can of paint thinner and walks off]

Christine: Hi, and welcome to another episode of "You Can't Do That On Television". This shows is packed full of brand-new, super-duper, funny and zany comedy, it's all new and even better than before. (Suddenly, the credits start rolling.) Wait a second. Stop. Stop. Hold it! Stop. (The credits stop rolling and fade out.)
Ross: Well, what is it now?
Christine: What do you mean, "what is it now"? Why were the closing credits rolling? I hadn't even finished my introduction.
Ross: It's my newest idea for saving money, a little tip I picked up from the advertisers. What you do is, you call the show all-new and better than ever, and then you present the viewers with less content.
Christine: Yeah, sounds good so far, but how does that save money?
Ross: That's the beauty of it. We only do a two minute show, then we only have to pay you kids for two minutes and I get the rest!
Christine: Yeah. Forget it, Ross.
Ross: Well, it was worth a try.
Christine: The things some people will do to make a buck.

Christine: I went on that Super Loop ride at the amusement park the other day, you know, the one where it goes up and then it goes around and around and then it comes back down, except this time it stopped right at the top.
Lisa: Oh, really? Oh, how awful! You mean, you were hanging there upside down? Oh, for how long?
Christine: Until all the money that had fallen out of my pockets got swept up and taken away.

Christine: Listen, I know you're kind of new to this, so if you have any questions, just ask me.
Vanessa: Well, there is one thing I'd like to ask you.
Christine: Sure.
Vanessa: How do they make that slime they're always dumping on you?
Christine: Oh. Well, first they take some wa-- some liquid, and then they add some flour, some Jell-O powder, sometimes some soap. Then they dump it all over me.
Vanessa: (looking up) Where do they dump it from?
Christine: Actually, Vanessa, I've always wondered that too. I just don't know.
(Christine is slimed.)
Vanessa: Very interesting. Is it always green?
Christine: Well, yeah, usually it is, but I guess it could be red,
(Christine is red slimed.)
Christine: or blue,
(Christine is blue slimed.)
Christine: or yellow.
(Christine is yellow slimed.)
Christine: Yeah. All right, you think you're so smart, let's see stripes!
(Christine is striped slimed - green, red, blue and yellow all at once.)
Vanessa: (also covered in slime.) Gee, it must be tough being a TV star. By the way, how do you get this stuff out?
Christine: Well it usually washes off with water.
(Christine and Vanessa are drenched.)
Christine: Usually.

Christine: My mother is always complaining about the mess in my room. I mean, she even has the nerve to say that I'm addicted to making a mess. I have to tell her, "No, Mom, I'm actually addicted to tidiness, but I'm doing a very good job of overcoming that addiction."

Lisa: Christine, do you ever use face cream?
Christine: Yeah, once in a while I'll put some on, just to keep my skin from drying out.
Lisa: Well, I have found a brand new one that works wonders and is very cheap!
Christine: Oh, great! Let me have some.
Lisa: Yes, it's called, "Face Cream Pie."
Christine: "Face Cream Pie"...
[Lisa shoves a pie into Christine's face]
Christine: Someday, Lisa Ruddy, pow - right in the kisser.

Mr. Schidtler: All right class, for homework tonight, I want you to watch Magnum P.I., Dallas, Hill Street Blues, and Fame. All right, class dismissed.
Kevin: Wow, what a lousy homework assignment.
Lisa: I think it's a terrific homework assignment.
Kevin: But you know I never do my homework. Now I'll have to miss my favorite TV programs.

Mr. Schidtler: Kevin, I must say I'm impressed with the way that you've changed for the better in your attitude toward your schoolwork lately. All the time you're bent over stacks of paper, scribbling away with your pencil, and I must say I am pleased.
Kevin: Excuse me, sir?
Mr. Schidtler: Hmm? Yes, yes, Kevin?
Kevin: Could you tell me a nine-letter word that starts with "D" that means "to be kept against one's will"?
Mr. Schidtler: Well... wait a minute! You mean to tell me you've been doing crossword puzzles all this time?!!
Kevin: Yes, sir. I'm sort of addicted to them, sir.
Mr. Schidtler: I see. Oh - wait a minute. Maybe I can help you with that nine-letter word - yes, and maybe I can even let you experience it. How about [writing on the blackboard] "D-E-T-I-N-S-H-O-N" - "detention"! And you can start by writing it 5,000 times!
Kevin: That way or the right way, sir?

Elizabeth was sent to detention for putting on makeup in class, and has just been busted by the principal for putting on more makeup in detention.
Principal: Elizabeth, you know it's against the rules to wear makeup during school hours!
Elizabeth: But sir, it's after school hours now, isn't it?
Principal: It's still against the rules to wear makeup in school.
Elizabeth: Oh, dear. Well, I don't want to break any more rules. I guess I'd better leave right away.
Principal: I guess you'd better. And let this be a lesson to you, never to wear makeup in school again.
Elizabeth: All right, I won't. [She leaves]
Principal: [Suddenly realizing he's been tricked] ...Wait a minute!... Just once, why can't I win just once?!

[An Opposite Sketch. A young man comes in wearing a trenchcoat, hat and sunglasses, carrying a violin case]
Mr. Prevert: Hey Kevin! Come here. Where do you think you're going with that? [points to the violin case]
Kevin: I'm gonna go shoot up the neighborhood, Dad.
[Kevin opens the violin case to reveal a machine gun]
Mr Prevert: I thought you were going to some boring violin lesson or something like that. Go on. Have fun!

[An Opposite Sketch. In this sketch, Christine, Lisa and Doug lean in progressively closer toward Kevin, who is wearing a leather jacket, and finally are leaning in so close that he falls out of his desk.]
Christine: Look whose Mommy didn't make him wear a sailor suit to school!
Lisa: ...Who dresses like a punk!
Doug: ...Who isn't Mommy's little darling!
Christine: ...Who's not a big sissy!