Bradfield: Dad, what's the definition of "ignorance and apathy"?
Senator Prevert: I don't know, and I don't give a sh-... care.

Christine: Some people have asked us, "Why doesn't anyone in the studio laugh at our jokes, like on other comedy shows?" Well, the truth is, they're not really laughing on other comedy shows. What you're hearing is canned laughter, like this. [A few seconds of a canned laugh track plays.] They put that on there to try to make you laugh, in case you don't laugh at their jokes. We, however, do not do this. [Dramatic music begins to play in the background as Christine speaks.] We believe comedy should stand on its own! We have faith in the discernment, intelligence and good taste of you, our viewing audience! -- And also, canned laughter costs a lot; we can't afford it. [The dramatic music abruptly ends. Ironically, despite Christine's badmouthing of canned laughter in this sketch, canned laughter would become part of the spinoff "Whatever Turns You On" a few months later, and of "YCDTOTV" itself by 1982.]

Christine: [seeing the money the "network people" left on the link set] These network people treat money as if it were toilet paper!

Jim: Sir, is is true that when we're in school, the teachers take the place of our parents?
Mr. Schidtler: That's right. You see, Stechyson, when you are in school, I am in loco parentis, exactly like your father.
Jim: GOOD! [stands up and begins yelling] I'M GOIN' OUT! AND DON'T ASK ME WHERE I'M GOIN', DON'T ASK ME WHAT TIME I'LL BE BACK, AND WHEN I DO GET BACK, HAVE SUPPER READY FOR ME ON THE TABLE! IS THAT UNDERSTOOD?!!! [storms out of the classroom]
Mr. Schidtler: [puzzled] ...Was it something I said?

Mr. Dime: [emerging from the Executive Washroom, having used it after Seth Pool unwittingly walked off with all the toilet paper] Ugh, 15 $20 bills! I'll never eat bran muffins again... ohhhh...

Mr. Dime: [on the phone] Well then, double padlock it this time! I don't want anyone using that executive washroom except the executives! ... What? ... I don't CARE how much it's going to cost! Last time someone else got in there and they took, they took all the toilet tissue! It cost me over $300! ... Never MIND how! None of your business! Just get that place locked up!

[Mr. Schidtler is returning test papers]
Sarah: Hey Moose, I think he likes me!
Christine: What makes you say that?
Sarah: Well, he put all these kisses on my paper!
[Sarah shows Christine her test paper covered with red "X"'s]
Christine: She's so naive.