Alasdair: [ripping a piece of paper into small pieces and dropping them in the forest] Boy, am I ever smart. You see, I've been leaving a trail of all these little pieces of paper behind me so I can find my way back to camp and not get lost!
[Vanessa comes up behind him, having gathered up the pieces of paper]
Vanessa: Boy, Alasdair, are you ever a slob. You're ruining the beauty of this natural habitat. I've been picking up these pieces of paper for miles! By the way, where are we?
Alasdair: [grabs Vanessa by the neck and starts to strangle her] VANESSA!!!!!!

Christine: [Introducing the show] Hi, and welcome to You Can't Do That on Television, another in a series of sour notes.

Christine: [Reading aloud from the show's producers' book of etiquette, on table manners] "It is generally considered impolite to wolf your cookies while reciting your multiplication tables."

Christine: Well, that's our show and---
The Crew: Oh, thank goodness!

Christine: You know, I took home economics once.
The Crew: (sarcastically) YOU WOULDN'T KNOW IT!
Christine: Thanks a lot, guys.

Corey: I can't stand to eat any more of this junk Barth tries to pass off as food. His cooking's disgusting!
Christine: Oh, it's not that bad. In fact, did you know that Barth is one of the most sought-after chefs in the entire country?
Corey: You've got to be kidding.
Christine: Oh, no - he's wanted in seventeen states for food poisoning.
Barth: D'oh, I heard that!

Mike: Did you see my picture in the paper yesterday, sir? I'm carrier of the week.
Mr. Prevert: I never read the newspaper, son.
Mike: That's what everyone says on my route. No one ever reads their papers anymore.
Mr. Prevert: That's right, everyone gets their news from the teletext on TV.
Mike: Then why do you all still get a newspaper?
Mr. Prevert: Cause we haven't found any way to wrap up kitty litter in a television set.

Mr. Schidtler: Now class, as we are going on a field trip, I think it is most important [points to the word "BASEX" written on the blackboard] that we know the basics of nature. Can anyone tell me what are the four natural elements of the universe? ... Lisa?
Lisa: Earth.
Mr. Schidtler: Right, that's one. Kevin?
Kevin: Air.
Mr. Schidtler: Yeah, that's right, that's two. Christine?
Christine: Uh... fire!
Mr. Schidtler: Right! And now, Vanessa. Can you tell me what the fourth element is?
Vanessa: Yeah, but I'm not going to.
Mr. Schidtler: Well Vanessa, either you tell me what the fourth element is, or you tell me you don't know.
Vanessa: Well, either way I get something dumped on me. [gets a look of resignation on her face] Okay, water.
[Vanessa is drenched.]
Mr. Schidtler: [laughing] Oh, it's moments like these that make teaching worthwhile.

Mrs. Prevert: How many times do I have to tell you...
Lisa: Aw, Mom...
Mrs. Prevert: Don't "Aw, Mom" me! How many times do I have to tell you not to play Doctor with that Johnny!
Lisa: But Mom, there's nothing wrong in that!
Mrs. Prevert: "Nothing wrong in that"?! I've told you again and again, Johnny is a specialist! It's costing us a fortune! If you're going to play Doctor, I want you to play it with Ralph. He's a general practitioner.

Mrs. Prevert [to Dougie, her son] So you see Dougie dear, as long as we have more and bigger bombs than the Russians, there will never have a nuclear war. So I want you to go to sleep now and tomorrow I'll tell you another fairy tale.

Ross: CUE!
Christine: I haven't read the script! I don't know what today's show...
[Christine is slimed]
Christine: ...is about.
Ross: [Laughing] It's about Priorities!
Christine: Priorities, huh? Yah. Well, I think that from now on, my highest priority in life is, never again to say "I don't know".
[Christine is slimed again]
Season 5 (1984)

(At Blip's Arkaid)
Alasdair: What's that game you're playing? I've never seen it before.
Kevin: Well, it's brand new. It's a game desgined about the great outdoors and animals and trees and stuff like that.
Alasdair: Yeah, it looks okay. What's it called?
Kevin: "Backpack-Man", of course.
Alasdair: Of course.

[The classroom. Lisa is jabbering away to Christine, who is sitting in the desk behind her, and doesn't hear Mr. Schidtler call her name several times.]
Mr. Schidtler: LISA!!!!!
Lisa: What?!
Mr. Schidtler: Lisa, please do not talk with your mouth open.
Lisa: Sir, don't you mean "Do not talk with your mouth full"?
Mr. Schidtler: No, I mean, "Do not talk with your mouth open."
Lisa: Well, how else am I supposed to talk?!
Mr. Schidtler: Exactly.
[The rest of the classroom erupts in applause]

[Throughout the show, Lisa has told jokes referring you Christine as a dog.]
Christine: Hey, Lisa.
Lisa: Yeah, Moosie?
Christine: Lisa, do you know what I do to little costarlets who keep calling me a dog?
Lisa: (laughing nervously) Oh, I don't know! (she gets slimed)
Christine: I, uh, get my revenge.