Adam: Now I'm telling you, Alanis, the rolling stones really do live in there.
Alanis: The Rolling Stones? Are you sure?
Adam: Yeah. Now come on, let's get out of here, this is dangerous.
Alanis: [running up to the front door] Are you kidding? And miss a chance at getting their autographs? Oh, that Mick Jagger is such a hunk... I can't wait to see them... [rings the doorbell]
Adam: [trying to stop Alanis from ringing the bell] Wait a minute! ... I don't mean THOSE Rolling Stones, Alanis!
[Alanis opens the front door, then screams and quickly runs off to avoid a barrage of giant rocks rolling toward her.]
Adam: [getting crushed by the giant rocks] I mean THOSE rolling stones! AAAAHHH!

Alanis: If there's one thing I know, it's how to get attention at parties.

Alanis: Ugh! Mom, this food is disgusting! I wouldn't feed this to my worst enemy.
Mrs. Prevert: Oh, neither would I, dear. I love you, Alanis; in fact, no one could be closer to me than you are, so I didn't give it to my worst enemy - I gave it to you. Now EAT IT, young lady, every forkful! There's nothing wrong with pureed rutabager! In! Two, three!

Alasdair: Alanis, if you won't go to the network party with me, I'll just have to kill myself, that's all.
Alanis: Oh Alasdair, how touching. I really want to help you... all right.
Alasdair: You'll come?
Alanis: No, I'll go.
Alasdair: Great!
Alanis: I'll go see if I can find my father's gun.

Alasdair: Ross, if you think I'm going to wear this (bleep, bleep) sailor outfit, you can just (bleep, bleep)!
Vanessa: Alasdair, why did you get bleeped? And we weren't even using bad language.
Alasdair: You know, Vanessa you're right. I don't know what I said wrong.
(Alasdair is slimed. More bleeping is heard and James comes in with a remote control)
James: Hey guys, have you seen this neat gizmo? It sure makes a cool bleeping noise.
Alasdair: (bleep, bleep, bleep)!
James: What do all those words mean?
Vanessa: You're too young to know James. That is what they call real bleeping.

Doug: (he and Jody are in their bathrobes, in the washroom) I'm not going to school today. We have a spelling bee and I didn't study.
Jody: Mom's not gonna let you stay home for that.
Doug: I know, but she's not going to let a sick kid go to school, is she? Watch. (fills a pitcher with water from the tap, walks over to the toilet, and while pouring the water into the toilet bowl, makes retching sounds)
Mrs. Prevert: Did I just hear someone being sick in the toilet?
Doug: Yes mom!
Mrs. Prevert: Oh, well, whoever it was certainly can't go to school today. So, I want you boys to finish getting dressed (walks over to the toilet and picks up the empty pitcher) while I put this poor little jug to bed. Oh, there there, little jug, yes. And Dougie, hurry up and put your clothes on, unless you want to go to school in your bathrobe.

Doug: (Bleep, bleep, bleep)!
Ross: (Talking to the producer) I agree.
Doug: (Bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep)!
Ross: Worst (bleep) that I've ever heard.
Doug: (Bleep, bleep, bleep)!
Ross: How about five minutes more?
Doug: (Bleep, bleep, bleep).
Ross: Open up. (Shoves the soap back in Doug's mouth.)
[Alasdair and Doug are changing clothes in their bedroom.]

Doug: What's the matter Alasdair? Are you shy or something?
Alasdair: No I'm not Doug.
Doug: But Alasdair, we're brothers. We've been changing in this room for years.
Alasdair: Yeah I know Doug, but look at this.
(Alasdair has a black square over his groin)
Doug: Oh Alasdair. This censorship stuff is getting ridiculous!
Alasdair: Yeah, so is having TV CAMERAS IN YOUR BEDROOM!! Well let's get em!
Doug: (grabbing a baseball bat) Ok, I'm going for a home run!
Alasdair: Go now!
Doug: Ready? (Swings the bat at the camera)

Doug: Where do these things come from anyways?
Alasdair: Well afterwards they're put on as a special effect.
Doug: You mean they're not really here and the people in the studio can see whats underneath them?
Alasdair: Yep Doug, that's exactly right.
Doug: The cameraman? Everyone?
Alasdair: Yes Doug, they can all see your shorts.
(they step out of the black squares to reveal that they are wearing shorts)

Film announcer: (while all the kids sitting in the movie theater are cut down by a barrage of bullets) Coming soon to a theater near you, "RAMBO KILLS EVERYONE"! See Rambo shoot your friends. See him kill you! See Rambo shoot everyone in the whole world without having to reload his machine gun once. "RAMBO KILLS EVERYONE"!!!!
[Alasdair and Doug now have black squares over their groins]

Mr. Schidtler: Well. Is this what you have to present for Show and Tell Alasdair?
(Alasdair is standing apparently naked with a black square over his groin)
Alasdair: Yes sir.
Jodie: Kind of a funny color isn't it?
Vanessa: I can't see anything. (to the camera) Get rid of that stupid black band!
(the black square disappears to reveal Alasdair wearing Hawaiian shorts. Vanessa screams)
Alasdair: Hey, if you think that's neat, wait till you see what else my parents brought back from Hawaii! (puts on a lei.)
Vanessa: Ohhhh. (to the camera) Put the black band back! (the black square reappears) No! I mean on his face! (the black square moves over Alasdair's face.)
[Ross is washing Doug's mouth out with soap.]

Mrs. Prevert: (entering the bedroom, where Doug and Jody are lying in their individual beds, sneezing and sniffling) Okay boys, it's time for school, you're going to be late. Up, up!
Doug: We can't, mom. These allergies are (sneezes) really getting to us!
Jody: My nose, my body aches all over!
Mrs. Prevert: Well, perhaps you boys had better stay home. There is a lot of that pollen stuff in the air. (leaves)
Doug: Can you believe that?! She bought it! (produces a pepper mill from under his bedclothes) These pepper mills are a real lifesaver.
Mrs. Prevert: (returning, holding some blankets, a pot and a humidifier) Okay! I've closed all the windows, and I'm going to steam up the room, and here's some extra blankets, and I'm going to take your temperature, Jody, open your mouth. That's it. And lots and lots of chicken soup; (to rubber chicken in the pot) Elmo, sit still. Oh, you're going to be better in no time! (leaves)
Jody: Oh, great idea, Doug. Now we've gotta stay in this torture chamber all day!
Doug: I think I'd rather go to school.

Mrs. Prevert: Yuck! Oh, however am I going to get rid of all this oven grease?!
[A puff of smoke, and the Jiffy Genie (Doug) appears.]
Jiffy Genie: You need the Jiffy Genie!
Mrs. Prevert: Oh, Jiffy Genie, can you get rid of all this oven grease?
Jiffy Genie: In a flash, ma'am!
[The Jiffy Genie waves his hands, there is another puff of smoke, and the oven disappears completely. Mrs. Prevert screams and wails.]
Les: [Voiceover] Yes, with Jiffy Genie, you'll never have oven grease again!
Jiffy Genie: [To camera] You'll never have an oven, period!

Principal: All right Adam, I want you to copy pages 7 to 9,742 in this dictionary.
Adam: Sir, you can't make me stay here! It's my birthday today! I'm having guests over, a big party, a cake, everything!
Principal: Oh. Your birthday, you say? Well, in that case, I might let you off...
Adam: Oh, thank you, sir...
Principal: I said, might let you off, if you hadn't used that excuse at least 15 times this year, and I don't remember how many times last year. Do you think I'm stupid? I'm not falling for that again.
Adam: But sir, it really IS my birthday today!
Principal: Do you think that I'm an idiot? If you'd had as many birthdays as you've claimed in the last couple of years, you'd be... 75 years of age.
Adam: ("old man" voice) Well, how clever of you to work that out, sir! I'm actually 75 today! And you wouldn't put an old man through detention, would you? (clutches his chest as though he were having a heart attack) My heart can't take it.
Principal: (rushes to help Adam out of his seat and to the door) Oh! No! Easy, sir! Come along now... oh, by the way, happy birthday.
Adam: ("old man" voice) Thank you, young lad!
Principal: And many happy returns, sir. Bye-bye!
Adam: (leaving detention room) Bye!
Principal: And have a good day.

Ross: There! Five minutes. That about to be enough time for you to clean your language young man!
Doug: Oh Ross, get me something to wash the taste away!
Ross: Like what?
Doug: Water, anything, quick!
[Doug is drenched]