Angie: [With pie cream remnants smeared all over her face] What I want to know is, how can my mother tell I'm a custard pie user?

Brodie: [Sees Christine standing above him on a ladder, holding a bucket of slime] What are you doing up there, Moose?
Christine: Well, I'm just standing here with this bucket full of coagulating green slime, waiting for you to say the magic words so I can dump it all over you.
Brodie: What magic words?
Christine: The magic words, "I don't know"! ... Oops, I didn't say that, did I? Oh no...
[Christine is slimed, and Brodie laughs hysterically]
Christine: That's not fair! I didn't - I - I - I...

Brodie: They think with all these jokes about washrooms, I'm going to be dumb enough to mention water? Well, I'm NOT! ... Oh, no... I just did!
[Christine throws a bucket of water on Brodie]
Brodie: That's not fair!
Christine: Oh, yes it is. You guys wanted to do the links just like me! Well, that's what happens to me every week - sometimes TWICE.
[Christine throws another bucket of water on Brodie]
Brodie: Now that was truly not fair!

Christine: As you may have guessed this week's show is about drugs. Except we can't really make it about drugs or we'd get taken off the air. 'You can't do that on television.' Anyway. The idea that anyone would want to push a custard pie in their own face is just about as stupid as the idea that anyone would want to harm their bodies with dangereous and additive drugs, I mean custard pies. Sure they're kinda fun, but I don't need them. I mean I'm not addicted to them or anything! Excuse me.
[Walks off stage to a table of custard pies]
Christine: You don't have to follow me with that camera. I finished the introduction. Can't a girl get any pies in privacy....any privacy for pies? I don't need them...
[In walk 3 other cast members. Their faces are covered with custard pie remnants]
Kevin: Listen man, you gotta splat pies sometime.
Christine: No, Kevin, I don't gotta do nothing.
Mike: It's good for you man, gives you a nice sticky feeling on your face.
Angie: It's not bad for you Christine. You won't get addicted or anything.
[Kevin splats a pie in his face]
Christine: I just don't understand the point. You spend all your money on pies. You mess yourself up. Your clothes...your school work suffers... You get so sticky you can't even sleep at night.
Kevin: Listen sister, don't knock it til you try it.
Christine: Well I'm not going to try it. I think you guys are all deplorable.
[Christine walks off leaving the remaing 3 with the pies on the table]
Mike: Waste not. Want not.
Kevin: Right on.
[The rest remain and continue to splat pies in their faces repeatedly]

Christine: Mike, pretty soon the splat you get from pies just won't be enough, and then you'll move on to bigger things - like green slime!
Mike: Don't be stupid, Christine. I won't go for that stuff. Besides, it's dangerous.
Christine: Don't lie to me, Mike! You're already splooshing slime, aren't you?
Mike: No, of course not! ... How did you know?
Christine: (examining Mike's T-shirt) Oh, I can tell the signs. Green stains don't wash out as easy as pie. HA! Get it? As "easy as pie"! ... Oh, sorry - serious show. Go ahead, be ashamed.
Mike: Oh Christine, I'm so ashamed. I gotta sploosh now. You don't have to watch if you don't want to.
Christine: Mike, DON'T!
Mike: I gotta! I gotta! Right now!
Christine: No! Mike! Ohh!
(Mike dumps a bucket of green slime over his head.)
Mike: (shivering) Oh, I can feel it running all over me... slithering down the back of my neck and slopping through my shirt... ohhhhhh...
Christine: You're disgusting!
Mike: Oh Christine, help me, please... (reaches out to hug Christine)
Christine: (recoiling) NO! UGH!!!!!!!

Christine: On water safety - the safest thing to do on this show is not to mention water.
[Christine is drenched and shrieks]
Christine: See what I mean?
[More water is poured on Christine, and she shrieks again]

Christine: When my dad tried to give up smoking, he offered me a dollar every time I caught him with a cigarette. I've never been so rich in my life.

Jami: Hey Moose, we Indians gave the white man tobacco and taught him how to smoke.
Christine: Well I'm sure your ancestors meant well, Jami, but from what we know now about smoking, I don't think it was such a good idea.
Jami: Meant well? You gotta be kidding! We wanted all the white men to die of lung cancer.
Christine: Thanks.
Jami: No sweat. [grabs Christine around the neck and starts to strangle her]

Mr. Schidtler: Jami! Are you smoking?
Jami: No sir, I'm Burning.
Mr. Schidtler: Oh! Oh! Oh! [grabs pail of water and dumps it over Jami's head; throws the rest of it on Kevin, who is sitting behind Jami]
Jami: I'm JAMI Burning! That's my name, stupid!

Mr. Schidtler: So there it is, kids. The proof is evident, it's beyond question that a certain substance in tobacco smoke causes mice to develop cancer. Now what does this suggest?
Kevin: Oh! Sir!
Mr. Schidtler: Schenk?
Kevin: We should encourage mice to smoke, sir.

Rodney: In my school, they have washrooms for boys, washrooms for girls, and washrooms for teachers. Now, what I want to know is, are teachers a different sex from everyone else?

a blooper from the original live and local version of this episode, as aired in 1981 on CJOH:
Kevin Kubusheskie: So, come on down to Camp Fortune, because... (gets blank look on his face, and turns to Moose) ...because???
Christine: (still walking around the link set carrying her "On Strike" sign) Listen, I'm not gonna tell ya they have to answer the question, all right?
Kevin K.: Oh yeah, and answer a simple question. ... What is it, Rod?
Rodney: Well, the question is, "What is the name of our floor director"?
Christine: HEY! Hey, I know that one! Yeah, I know, I know!
Ross: No, wait a minute, you can't play, because you're on strike! Heh heh!
Christine: Aw...
Kevin Schenk: Anyway, if you see our Mystery Skiier, all you have to do is come down to Camp Fortune, and find out what Ross's name is. (realizes what he has just said) Ross? ... Aww....
Christine: (smacks Kevin in the head with her sign) Youuuuuuu LUNKHEAD! Ugh! ... Well, what about the last thing?
Kevin K.: (blankly) What last thing?
Christine: The Roving Camera! JEEZ!
Kevin K.: Oh yeah, and that's where our Roving Camera will be, so come on down and tell a joke or give us your views on dating... (grins mischeviously) girls.
Christine: Oh, and boys! Don't forget boys!
Kevin S.: Shut up, Moose, you're on strike!

[after begin watered]
Christine: It's not fair! I don't even splat pies! I'm a pure, innocent, and honest girl.
[The crew starts laughing... enough said.]

[Another "Angie the Talking Doll" sketch.]
Angie: Hello, I'm Angie the Talking Doll.
Kevin: Angie, do you splat pies?
Angie: I may be stuffed with sawdust, kid, but I'm not that stupid!

[Kevin Schenk walks up to Angie and pulls her string.]
Angie: Hello, I'm Angie the Talking Doll.
Kevin: Angie, how do I stop smoking?
Angie: Where there's smoke, there's fire.
[Angie dumps a bucket of water over Kevin's head.]