Mr. Dime: [on the phone] Well then, double padlock it this time! I don't want anyone using that executive washroom except the executives! ... What? ... I don't CARE how much it's going to cost! Last time someone else got in there and they took, they took all the toilet tissue! It cost me over $300! ... Never MIND how! None of your business! Just get that place locked up!

Mr. Schidtler: All right class, for homework tonight, I want you to watch Magnum P.I., Dallas, Hill Street Blues, and Fame. All right, class dismissed.
Kevin: Wow, what a lousy homework assignment.
Lisa: I think it's a terrific homework assignment.
Kevin: But you know I never do my homework. Now I'll have to miss my favorite TV programs.

Mr. Schidtler: Jami! Are you smoking?
Jami: No sir, I'm Burning.
Mr. Schidtler: Oh! Oh! Oh! [grabs pail of water and dumps it over Jami's head; throws the rest of it on Kevin, who is sitting behind Jami]
Jami: I'm JAMI Burning! That's my name, stupid!

Mr. Schidtler: Kevin, I must say I'm impressed with the way that you've changed for the better in your attitude toward your schoolwork lately. All the time you're bent over stacks of paper, scribbling away with your pencil, and I must say I am pleased.
Kevin: Excuse me, sir?
Mr. Schidtler: Hmm? Yes, yes, Kevin?
Kevin: Could you tell me a nine-letter word that starts with "D" that means "to be kept against one's will"?
Mr. Schidtler: Well... wait a minute! You mean to tell me you've been doing crossword puzzles all this time?!!
Kevin: Yes, sir. I'm sort of addicted to them, sir.
Mr. Schidtler: I see. Oh - wait a minute. Maybe I can help you with that nine-letter word - yes, and maybe I can even let you experience it. How about [writing on the blackboard] "D-E-T-I-N-S-H-O-N" - "detention"! And you can start by writing it 5,000 times!
Kevin: That way or the right way, sir?

Mr. Schidtler: Now class, as we are going on a field trip, I think it is most important [points to the word "BASEX" written on the blackboard] that we know the basics of nature. Can anyone tell me what are the four natural elements of the universe? ... Lisa?
Lisa: Earth.
Mr. Schidtler: Right, that's one. Kevin?
Kevin: Air.
Mr. Schidtler: Yeah, that's right, that's two. Christine?
Christine: Uh... fire!
Mr. Schidtler: Right! And now, Vanessa. Can you tell me what the fourth element is?
Vanessa: Yeah, but I'm not going to.
Mr. Schidtler: Well Vanessa, either you tell me what the fourth element is, or you tell me you don't know.
Vanessa: Well, either way I get something dumped on me. [gets a look of resignation on her face] Okay, water.
[Vanessa is drenched.]
Mr. Schidtler: [laughing] Oh, it's moments like these that make teaching worthwhile.

Mr. Schidtler: So there it is, kids. The proof is evident, it's beyond question that a certain substance in tobacco smoke causes mice to develop cancer. Now what does this suggest?
Kevin: Oh! Sir!
Mr. Schidtler: Schenk?
Kevin: We should encourage mice to smoke, sir.

Mr. Schidtler: Well. Is this what you have to present for Show and Tell Alasdair?
(Alasdair is standing apparently naked with a black square over his groin)
Alasdair: Yes sir.
Jodie: Kind of a funny color isn't it?
Vanessa: I can't see anything. (to the camera) Get rid of that stupid black band!
(the black square disappears to reveal Alasdair wearing Hawaiian shorts. Vanessa screams)
Alasdair: Hey, if you think that's neat, wait till you see what else my parents brought back from Hawaii! (puts on a lei.)
Vanessa: Ohhhh. (to the camera) Put the black band back! (the black square reappears) No! I mean on his face! (the black square moves over Alasdair's face.)
[Ross is washing Doug's mouth out with soap.]

Mrs. Prevert: (entering the bedroom, where Doug and Jody are lying in their individual beds, sneezing and sniffling) Okay boys, it's time for school, you're going to be late. Up, up!
Doug: We can't, mom. These allergies are (sneezes) really getting to us!
Jody: My nose, my body aches all over!
Mrs. Prevert: Well, perhaps you boys had better stay home. There is a lot of that pollen stuff in the air. (leaves)
Doug: Can you believe that?! She bought it! (produces a pepper mill from under his bedclothes) These pepper mills are a real lifesaver.
Mrs. Prevert: (returning, holding some blankets, a pot and a humidifier) Okay! I've closed all the windows, and I'm going to steam up the room, and here's some extra blankets, and I'm going to take your temperature, Jody, open your mouth. That's it. And lots and lots of chicken soup; (to rubber chicken in the pot) Elmo, sit still. Oh, you're going to be better in no time! (leaves)
Jody: Oh, great idea, Doug. Now we've gotta stay in this torture chamber all day!
Doug: I think I'd rather go to school.

Mrs. Prevert: How many times do I have to tell you...
Lisa: Aw, Mom...
Mrs. Prevert: Don't "Aw, Mom" me! How many times do I have to tell you not to play Doctor with that Johnny!
Lisa: But Mom, there's nothing wrong in that!
Mrs. Prevert: "Nothing wrong in that"?! I've told you again and again, Johnny is a specialist! It's costing us a fortune! If you're going to play Doctor, I want you to play it with Ralph. He's a general practitioner.

Mrs. Prevert: Yuck! Oh, however am I going to get rid of all this oven grease?!
[A puff of smoke, and the Jiffy Genie (Doug) appears.]
Jiffy Genie: You need the Jiffy Genie!
Mrs. Prevert: Oh, Jiffy Genie, can you get rid of all this oven grease?
Jiffy Genie: In a flash, ma'am!
[The Jiffy Genie waves his hands, there is another puff of smoke, and the oven disappears completely. Mrs. Prevert screams and wails.]
Les: [Voiceover] Yes, with Jiffy Genie, you'll never have oven grease again!
Jiffy Genie: [To camera] You'll never have an oven, period!

Mrs. Prevert [to Dougie, her son] So you see Dougie dear, as long as we have more and bigger bombs than the Russians, there will never have a nuclear war. So I want you to go to sleep now and tomorrow I'll tell you another fairy tale.

Pauline: Hey Angie, did you know I can speak a foreign language?
Angie: Really? I didn't know that, let me hear you.
Pauline: "Hi? How are you? Nice weather we're having."
Angie: "Hi? How are you? Nice weather we're having"? That's not a foreign language!
Pauline: Yes it is, it's English.
Angie: Well, I know it's English.
Pauline: Well, England is a foreign country.

Principal: All right Adam, I want you to copy pages 7 to 9,742 in this dictionary.
Adam: Sir, you can't make me stay here! It's my birthday today! I'm having guests over, a big party, a cake, everything!
Principal: Oh. Your birthday, you say? Well, in that case, I might let you off...
Adam: Oh, thank you, sir...
Principal: I said, might let you off, if you hadn't used that excuse at least 15 times this year, and I don't remember how many times last year. Do you think I'm stupid? I'm not falling for that again.
Adam: But sir, it really IS my birthday today!
Principal: Do you think that I'm an idiot? If you'd had as many birthdays as you've claimed in the last couple of years, you'd be... 75 years of age.
Adam: ("old man" voice) Well, how clever of you to work that out, sir! I'm actually 75 today! And you wouldn't put an old man through detention, would you? (clutches his chest as though he were having a heart attack) My heart can't take it.
Principal: (rushes to help Adam out of his seat and to the door) Oh! No! Easy, sir! Come along now... oh, by the way, happy birthday.
Adam: ("old man" voice) Thank you, young lad!
Principal: And many happy returns, sir. Bye-bye!
Adam: (leaving detention room) Bye!
Principal: And have a good day.

Rodney: In my school, they have washrooms for boys, washrooms for girls, and washrooms for teachers. Now, what I want to know is, are teachers a different sex from everyone else?

Ross: CUE!
Christine: I haven't read the script! I don't know what today's show...
[Christine is slimed]
Christine: ...is about.
Ross: [Laughing] It's about Priorities!
Christine: Priorities, huh? Yah. Well, I think that from now on, my highest priority in life is, never again to say "I don't know".
[Christine is slimed again]
Season 5 (1984)