You Can't Do That on Television quotes
0 total quotesDoug: (he and Jody are in their bathrobes, in the washroom) I'm not going to school today. We have a spelling bee and I didn't study.
Jody: Mom's not gonna let you stay home for that.
Doug: I know, but she's not going to let a sick kid go to school, is she? Watch. (fills a pitcher with water from the tap, walks over to the toilet, and while pouring the water into the toilet bowl, makes retching sounds)
Mrs. Prevert: Did I just hear someone being sick in the toilet?
Doug: Yes mom!
Mrs. Prevert: Oh, well, whoever it was certainly can't go to school today. So, I want you boys to finish getting dressed (walks over to the toilet and picks up the empty pitcher) while I put this poor little jug to bed. Oh, there there, little jug, yes. And Dougie, hurry up and put your clothes on, unless you want to go to school in your bathrobe.
Jody: Mom's not gonna let you stay home for that.
Doug: I know, but she's not going to let a sick kid go to school, is she? Watch. (fills a pitcher with water from the tap, walks over to the toilet, and while pouring the water into the toilet bowl, makes retching sounds)
Mrs. Prevert: Did I just hear someone being sick in the toilet?
Doug: Yes mom!
Mrs. Prevert: Oh, well, whoever it was certainly can't go to school today. So, I want you boys to finish getting dressed (walks over to the toilet and picks up the empty pitcher) while I put this poor little jug to bed. Oh, there there, little jug, yes. And Dougie, hurry up and put your clothes on, unless you want to go to school in your bathrobe.
Doug: (Bleep, bleep, bleep)!
Ross: (Talking to the producer) I agree.
Doug: (Bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep)!
Ross: Worst (bleep) that I've ever heard.
Doug: (Bleep, bleep, bleep)!
Ross: How about five minutes more?
Doug: (Bleep, bleep, bleep).
Ross: Open up. (Shoves the soap back in Doug's mouth.)
[Alasdair and Doug are changing clothes in their bedroom.]
Ross: (Talking to the producer) I agree.
Doug: (Bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep)!
Ross: Worst (bleep) that I've ever heard.
Doug: (Bleep, bleep, bleep)!
Ross: How about five minutes more?
Doug: (Bleep, bleep, bleep).
Ross: Open up. (Shoves the soap back in Doug's mouth.)
[Alasdair and Doug are changing clothes in their bedroom.]
Doug: What's the matter Alasdair? Are you shy or something?
Alasdair: No I'm not Doug.
Doug: But Alasdair, we're brothers. We've been changing in this room for years.
Alasdair: Yeah I know Doug, but look at this.
(Alasdair has a black square over his groin)
Doug: Oh Alasdair. This censorship stuff is getting ridiculous!
Alasdair: Yeah, so is having TV CAMERAS IN YOUR BEDROOM!! Well let's get em!
Doug: (grabbing a baseball bat) Ok, I'm going for a home run!
Alasdair: Go now!
Doug: Ready? (Swings the bat at the camera)
Alasdair: No I'm not Doug.
Doug: But Alasdair, we're brothers. We've been changing in this room for years.
Alasdair: Yeah I know Doug, but look at this.
(Alasdair has a black square over his groin)
Doug: Oh Alasdair. This censorship stuff is getting ridiculous!
Alasdair: Yeah, so is having TV CAMERAS IN YOUR BEDROOM!! Well let's get em!
Doug: (grabbing a baseball bat) Ok, I'm going for a home run!
Alasdair: Go now!
Doug: Ready? (Swings the bat at the camera)
Doug: Where do these things come from anyways?
Alasdair: Well afterwards they're put on as a special effect.
Doug: You mean they're not really here and the people in the studio can see whats underneath them?
Alasdair: Yep Doug, that's exactly right.
Doug: The cameraman? Everyone?
Alasdair: Yes Doug, they can all see your shorts.
(they step out of the black squares to reveal that they are wearing shorts)
Alasdair: Well afterwards they're put on as a special effect.
Doug: You mean they're not really here and the people in the studio can see whats underneath them?
Alasdair: Yep Doug, that's exactly right.
Doug: The cameraman? Everyone?
Alasdair: Yes Doug, they can all see your shorts.
(they step out of the black squares to reveal that they are wearing shorts)
Film announcer: (while all the kids sitting in the movie theater are cut down by a barrage of bullets) Coming soon to a theater near you, "RAMBO KILLS EVERYONE"! See Rambo shoot your friends. See him kill you! See Rambo shoot everyone in the whole world without having to reload his machine gun once. "RAMBO KILLS EVERYONE"!!!!
[Alasdair and Doug now have black squares over their groins]
[Alasdair and Doug now have black squares over their groins]
Jami: Hey Moose, we Indians gave the white man tobacco and taught him how to smoke.
Christine: Well I'm sure your ancestors meant well, Jami, but from what we know now about smoking, I don't think it was such a good idea.
Jami: Meant well? You gotta be kidding! We wanted all the white men to die of lung cancer.
Christine: Thanks.
Jami: No sweat. [grabs Christine around the neck and starts to strangle her]
Christine: Well I'm sure your ancestors meant well, Jami, but from what we know now about smoking, I don't think it was such a good idea.
Jami: Meant well? You gotta be kidding! We wanted all the white men to die of lung cancer.
Christine: Thanks.
Jami: No sweat. [grabs Christine around the neck and starts to strangle her]
Jim: Sir, is is true that when we're in school, the teachers take the place of our parents?
Mr. Schidtler: That's right. You see, Stechyson, when you are in school, I am in loco parentis, exactly like your father.
Jim: GOOD! [stands up and begins yelling] I'M GOIN' OUT! AND DON'T ASK ME WHERE I'M GOIN', DON'T ASK ME WHAT TIME I'LL BE BACK, AND WHEN I DO GET BACK, HAVE SUPPER READY FOR ME ON THE TABLE! IS THAT UNDERSTOOD?!!! [storms out of the classroom]
Mr. Schidtler: [puzzled] ...Was it something I said?
Mr. Schidtler: That's right. You see, Stechyson, when you are in school, I am in loco parentis, exactly like your father.
Jim: GOOD! [stands up and begins yelling] I'M GOIN' OUT! AND DON'T ASK ME WHERE I'M GOIN', DON'T ASK ME WHAT TIME I'LL BE BACK, AND WHEN I DO GET BACK, HAVE SUPPER READY FOR ME ON THE TABLE! IS THAT UNDERSTOOD?!!! [storms out of the classroom]
Mr. Schidtler: [puzzled] ...Was it something I said?
Lisa: [grousing about having to go to the drive-in movie] Oh, I hate sitting in the car and getting bitten by bugs!
Alasdair: The food is terrible, and the video games at the snack bar are out of date!
Mom: Well, you'll have a nice time, children, really.
Lisa: Are we going to same old stupid drive-in on Highway 41? We're always the only car there!
Sen. Prevert: I'll tell you why we're going there - because that's where I asked your mother to marry me.
Lisa: Oh? Well, what was the movie?
Mom: Bride of Frankenstein.
Lisa: Sounds right to me.
Sen. Prevert: LIIIIISA! Don't encourage your mother!
Season 7 (1986)
Alasdair: The food is terrible, and the video games at the snack bar are out of date!
Mom: Well, you'll have a nice time, children, really.
Lisa: Are we going to same old stupid drive-in on Highway 41? We're always the only car there!
Sen. Prevert: I'll tell you why we're going there - because that's where I asked your mother to marry me.
Lisa: Oh? Well, what was the movie?
Mom: Bride of Frankenstein.
Lisa: Sounds right to me.
Sen. Prevert: LIIIIISA! Don't encourage your mother!
Season 7 (1986)
Lisa: Ross, thank you very much for the Christmas bonuses.
Ross: It was nothing.
Christine: Almost!
Ross: It was nothing.
Christine: Almost!
Lisa: (at Barth's) Alasdair, where's Stephanie Chow? Wasn't she supposed to meet us here?
Barth: (sets plates of food in front of Lisa and Alasdair) Here's your chow!
Lisa: Oh Barth... you didn't!
Barth: What are you talking about?
Alasdair: You, putting poor little Stephanie Chow in the burger mix! That's murder!
Barth: Oh, you mean the new kid, the little Chinese girl? I couldn't put her in the burger mixture!
Lisa: I knew even you wouldn't do something like that.
Barth: Of course not! I don't serve Chinese food! And besides, there's not enough meat on her bones to even bother with. (Stephanie then turns up beating frantically on Barth's chest, trying to free herself from his grasp)
Barth: (sets plates of food in front of Lisa and Alasdair) Here's your chow!
Lisa: Oh Barth... you didn't!
Barth: What are you talking about?
Alasdair: You, putting poor little Stephanie Chow in the burger mix! That's murder!
Barth: Oh, you mean the new kid, the little Chinese girl? I couldn't put her in the burger mixture!
Lisa: I knew even you wouldn't do something like that.
Barth: Of course not! I don't serve Chinese food! And besides, there's not enough meat on her bones to even bother with. (Stephanie then turns up beating frantically on Barth's chest, trying to free herself from his grasp)
Lisa: Christine, do you ever use face cream?
Christine: Yeah, once in a while I'll put some on, just to keep my skin from drying out.
Lisa: Well, I have found a brand new one that works wonders and is very cheap!
Christine: Oh, great! Let me have some.
Lisa: Yes, it's called, "Face Cream Pie."
Christine: "Face Cream Pie"...
[Lisa shoves a pie into Christine's face]
Christine: Someday, Lisa Ruddy, pow - right in the kisser.
Christine: Yeah, once in a while I'll put some on, just to keep my skin from drying out.
Lisa: Well, I have found a brand new one that works wonders and is very cheap!
Christine: Oh, great! Let me have some.
Lisa: Yes, it's called, "Face Cream Pie."
Christine: "Face Cream Pie"...
[Lisa shoves a pie into Christine's face]
Christine: Someday, Lisa Ruddy, pow - right in the kisser.
Lisa: You know Alasdair, Snakeeyes is an amazing driver. Through snow, sleet, wind or hail, we have never been late for school.
Alasdair: And isn't it amazing that it's only on the way home from school that his brakes fail, he runs out of gas, he loses the keys, he gets stuck in the snow, he gets pulled over by the cops...
Alasdair: And isn't it amazing that it's only on the way home from school that his brakes fail, he runs out of gas, he loses the keys, he gets stuck in the snow, he gets pulled over by the cops...
Marjorie: Lisa, you weren't in school yesterday. Why? Were you sick?
Lisa: No, no, yesterday was a Jewish holiday.
Marjorie: Yeah, but you're not Jewish.
Lisa: I know that, but the man that my mom just married is, so we get all the Catholic holidays and all the Jewish holidays.
Marjorie: Hey, that's a great idea! As soon as I get home, I'm going to tell my mom to get divorced and marry someone of a different religion! That way I can have two sets of holidays!
Lisa: Yeah, and just think, if your parents both marry someone of a different religion, just think of all the holidays you'd get! No more school!
Marjorie: YEAH! [the girls both giggle hysterically]
Lisa: No, no, yesterday was a Jewish holiday.
Marjorie: Yeah, but you're not Jewish.
Lisa: I know that, but the man that my mom just married is, so we get all the Catholic holidays and all the Jewish holidays.
Marjorie: Hey, that's a great idea! As soon as I get home, I'm going to tell my mom to get divorced and marry someone of a different religion! That way I can have two sets of holidays!
Lisa: Yeah, and just think, if your parents both marry someone of a different religion, just think of all the holidays you'd get! No more school!
Marjorie: YEAH! [the girls both giggle hysterically]
Mike: Did you see my picture in the paper yesterday, sir? I'm carrier of the week.
Mr. Prevert: I never read the newspaper, son.
Mike: That's what everyone says on my route. No one ever reads their papers anymore.
Mr. Prevert: That's right, everyone gets their news from the teletext on TV.
Mike: Then why do you all still get a newspaper?
Mr. Prevert: Cause we haven't found any way to wrap up kitty litter in a television set.
Mr. Prevert: I never read the newspaper, son.
Mike: That's what everyone says on my route. No one ever reads their papers anymore.
Mr. Prevert: That's right, everyone gets their news from the teletext on TV.
Mike: Then why do you all still get a newspaper?
Mr. Prevert: Cause we haven't found any way to wrap up kitty litter in a television set.
Mr. Dime: [emerging from the Executive Washroom, having used it after Seth Pool unwittingly walked off with all the toilet paper] Ugh, 15 $20 bills! I'll never eat bran muffins again... ohhhh...