Christine: [holding up a video game cartridge] Now this is the ultimate video cartridge. It lets you play with your favorite TV program and do what you've always wanted to do. Like, you could shoot down all those stupid little Smurfs, or you could make The Dukes of Hazzard get into a 20-car collision, or you could sink The Love Boat; think of it - you could commit arson...
[She is cut off by a musical fanfare and yellow screen reading "THE END."]
Christine: [voiceover, over "THE END" screen] Okay, which one of you guys out there has one of these cartridges? Aw, c'mon, you guys, I didn't think they were on the market yet! Okay, a joke's a joke, but, let's get back to the show now. Okay, it was funny at first, but... [screen fades out]

Christine: [introducing the show, dressed in a heavy overcoat and hat] I would just like to show you how the weather affects our lives - for instance, the clothes we wear. In the winter, we have to bundle up because we're suffering through that freezing cold! And then... [takes off overcoat and hat to reveal that she has on a red raincoat] comes the spring... with its soft spring rains. And then... [takes off raincoat to reveal that she is wearing a one-piece bathing suit] THE SCORCHING HEAT OF SUMMER!!!
Angry Crew Member Offscreen: CUT IT OFF!
Ross: [walks up to Christine with a bathrobe, which he uses to cover her up] Christine! What are you doing?!
Christine: Well, Ross, I'm introducing the show. I thought that since it was about weather, I'd just, uh... [laughs sheepishly]
Ross: Do you realize what the Censor Board would say about this? Do you want them to take this show off the air?
Christine: [laughing and grinning wickedly] Yes.

Christine: [seeing the money the "network people" left on the link set] These network people treat money as if it were toilet paper!

Christine: [Takes a fingerful of icing from the chocolate cake before her on the table, then thinks better of it] Oh... no, I can't do it. It's a good thing I stopped myself in time. A little chocolate cake binge would have meant another five pounds. Oh, I wish I was thin!
[A puff of smoke, and the Unfairy Godmother appears]
Unfairy Godmother: Sorry, but I had trouble hearing that last part.
Christine: I said I wish I was thinner.
Unfairy Godmother: Thinner! And so you shall be!
[Another puff of smoke, and Christine is changed into a can of Paint Thinner]
Unfairy Godmother: The Unfairy Godmother strikes again! ... Wait a minute, I just thought of something; I was going to paint my gazebo this weekend. [Picks up the can of paint thinner and walks off]

Christine: Hi, and welcome to another episode of "You Can't Do That On Television". This shows is packed full of brand-new, super-duper, funny and zany comedy, it's all new and even better than before. (Suddenly, the credits start rolling.) Wait a second. Stop. Stop. Hold it! Stop. (The credits stop rolling and fade out.)
Ross: Well, what is it now?
Christine: What do you mean, "what is it now"? Why were the closing credits rolling? I hadn't even finished my introduction.
Ross: It's my newest idea for saving money, a little tip I picked up from the advertisers. What you do is, you call the show all-new and better than ever, and then you present the viewers with less content.
Christine: Yeah, sounds good so far, but how does that save money?
Ross: That's the beauty of it. We only do a two minute show, then we only have to pay you kids for two minutes and I get the rest!
Christine: Yeah. Forget it, Ross.
Ross: Well, it was worth a try.
Christine: The things some people will do to make a buck.

Christine: I went on that Super Loop ride at the amusement park the other day, you know, the one where it goes up and then it goes around and around and then it comes back down, except this time it stopped right at the top.
Lisa: Oh, really? Oh, how awful! You mean, you were hanging there upside down? Oh, for how long?
Christine: Until all the money that had fallen out of my pockets got swept up and taken away.

Christine: Listen, I know you're kind of new to this, so if you have any questions, just ask me.
Vanessa: Well, there is one thing I'd like to ask you.
Christine: Sure.
Vanessa: How do they make that slime they're always dumping on you?
Christine: Oh. Well, first they take some wa-- some liquid, and then they add some flour, some Jell-O powder, sometimes some soap. Then they dump it all over me.
Vanessa: (looking up) Where do they dump it from?
Christine: Actually, Vanessa, I've always wondered that too. I just don't know.
(Christine is slimed.)
Vanessa: Very interesting. Is it always green?
Christine: Well, yeah, usually it is, but I guess it could be red,
(Christine is red slimed.)
Christine: or blue,
(Christine is blue slimed.)
Christine: or yellow.
(Christine is yellow slimed.)
Christine: Yeah. All right, you think you're so smart, let's see stripes!
(Christine is striped slimed - green, red, blue and yellow all at once.)
Vanessa: (also covered in slime.) Gee, it must be tough being a TV star. By the way, how do you get this stuff out?
Christine: Well it usually washes off with water.
(Christine and Vanessa are drenched.)
Christine: Usually.

Christine: My mother is always complaining about the mess in my room. I mean, she even has the nerve to say that I'm addicted to making a mess. I have to tell her, "No, Mom, I'm actually addicted to tidiness, but I'm doing a very good job of overcoming that addiction."

Christine: Oh Eugene, look! They put up the name of the foster child the school adopted.
Eugene: Oh yeah, he's from the Philippines.
Christine: Yeah. Do they ever have weird names there. Look at this... "AI DO KNO".
Eugene: Don't you know anything about the Philippines? The A is silent, The O is pronounced O and the K is silent. His name is "I don't know".
[Eugene is slimed]
Christine: You're new on this show, aren't you Eugene?

Christine: On water safety - the safest thing to do on this show is not to mention water.
[Christine is drenched and shrieks]
Christine: See what I mean?
[More water is poured on Christine, and she shrieks again]

Christine: Well, that's our show and---
The Crew: Oh, thank goodness!

Christine: When my dad tried to give up smoking, he offered me a dollar every time I caught him with a cigarette. I've never been so rich in my life.

Christine: You know, I took home economics once.
The Crew: (sarcastically) YOU WOULDN'T KNOW IT!
Christine: Thanks a lot, guys.

Christine: You know, Lisa Ruddy always reminded me of a fossil.
Lisa: Well thank you very much, Christine. You mean you think I make a lasting impression?
Christine: Well, there's that, and there's the fact that your head is as hard as a rock.

Corey: I can't stand to eat any more of this junk Barth tries to pass off as food. His cooking's disgusting!
Christine: Oh, it's not that bad. In fact, did you know that Barth is one of the most sought-after chefs in the entire country?
Corey: You've got to be kidding.
Christine: Oh, no - he's wanted in seventeen states for food poisoning.
Barth: D'oh, I heard that!