Brodie: They think with all these jokes about washrooms, I'm going to be dumb enough to mention water? Well, I'm NOT! ... Oh, no... I just did!
[Christine throws a bucket of water on Brodie]
Brodie: That's not fair!
Christine: Oh, yes it is. You guys wanted to do the links just like me! Well, that's what happens to me every week - sometimes TWICE.
[Christine throws another bucket of water on Brodie]
Brodie: Now that was truly not fair!

Christine: [Introducing the show] Hi, and welcome to You Can't Do That on Television, another in a series of sour notes.

Christine: [Lisa is still unable to talk and can only communicate through writing notes; reading Lisa's note] "My link is the introduction to the commercials, and if we don't have any commercials, we don't get paid." ... Oh, I get it! It's time to test the audience voting device again! Okay now, everybody who wants to see Lisa get her voice back and watch some commercials so I can get paid, go ahead and touch the green square on the bottom of your screen. Touch now!
[The vote fails. Lisa writes Christine another note.]
Christine: [Reading note] "Try something more imaginative." ... Oh, I know! Eugene, come here, sit down.
[Eugene Contreras walks over and sits down]
Christine: Now, all of you who want to see something really horrible happen to Eugene here, and see Lisa get her voice back and watch some commercials so I can get paid, touch the green square on the bottom of your screen.
[The vote fails again.]
Christine: Okay, I've got it this time. Now, all of you who want to see something really horrible happen to Eugene, and see Lisa get her voice back and watch some commercials so I can get paid, and see Vanessa... where's Vanessa?
[Vanessa Lindores walks over and sits down]
Christine: And see Vanessa here get hit with water, just touch the...
[Christine is drenched.]
Christine: ...green square on your screen!
[This time the vote passes. Vanessa is hit with water, and Lisa laughs out loud.]
Christine: Wait a minute! What about the something really horrible that was supposed to happen to Eugene?!
[Eugene gets a pie in the face.]
Lisa: And now it's time for the commercials!

Christine: [putting a curse on Ross] Tongue of dog, wing of bat. Toe of frog, tail of rat. Sure as kids like a video arcade, it's gonna rain on your parade.

Christine: [Reading aloud from the show's producers' book of etiquette, on table manners] "It is generally considered impolite to wolf your cookies while reciting your multiplication tables."

Christine: As you may have guessed this week's show is about drugs. Except we can't really make it about drugs or we'd get taken off the air. 'You can't do that on television.' Anyway. The idea that anyone would want to push a custard pie in their own face is just about as stupid as the idea that anyone would want to harm their bodies with dangereous and additive drugs, I mean custard pies. Sure they're kinda fun, but I don't need them. I mean I'm not addicted to them or anything! Excuse me.
[Walks off stage to a table of custard pies]
Christine: You don't have to follow me with that camera. I finished the introduction. Can't a girl get any pies in privacy....any privacy for pies? I don't need them...
[In walk 3 other cast members. Their faces are covered with custard pie remnants]
Kevin: Listen man, you gotta splat pies sometime.
Christine: No, Kevin, I don't gotta do nothing.
Mike: It's good for you man, gives you a nice sticky feeling on your face.
Angie: It's not bad for you Christine. You won't get addicted or anything.
[Kevin splats a pie in his face]
Christine: I just don't understand the point. You spend all your money on pies. You mess yourself up. Your clothes...your school work suffers... You get so sticky you can't even sleep at night.
Kevin: Listen sister, don't knock it til you try it.
Christine: Well I'm not going to try it. I think you guys are all deplorable.
[Christine walks off leaving the remaing 3 with the pies on the table]
Mike: Waste not. Want not.
Kevin: Right on.
[The rest remain and continue to splat pies in their faces repeatedly]

Christine: Hey, Adam?
Adam: Yes, Christine?
Christine: Have you noticed that lately Lisa's been hanging out a lot?
Adam: Yeah, I know. Lately I've seen her hanging around the shopping mall, the video arcade...
Christine: No, no, that's not what I mean. I mean she's been hanging out, like over her belt, and over the top of her shirt, and...
Lisa: Are you finished?!!
...
Christine: Hey, Lisa?
Lisa: What?!
Christine: Listen, I'm sorry about that joke about "hanging out." I didn't make it up, you know, I just recite my lines.
Lisa: ...Yeah, I know.
Christine: You know, sometimes I wish we could just stop making jokes about peoples' bodies. They're stupid, I mean, why can't we joke about something else, like, you know, personality?
Lisa: But Christine, how can we make jokes about something you don't even have?
Christine: LISA!!!
Lisa: Christine, I'm just reciting my lines.

Christine: Hi, and welcome to an episode of You Can't Do That On Television that'll really turn your head, and probably your stomach.

Christine: Justin! You ate all the pancakes!
Justin: I was hungry. Next time don't get up so late.
Christine: "Next" time? What about this time?! I was all set to come in here and pour the syrup over a big stack of hot pancakes!
Justin: Well, find something else to pour your syrup over.
Christine: [Laughing] All right, I will.
[Christine pours the syrup over Justin's head.]
Marjorie: Justin, is that what they call "Sweet Revenge"?
Justin: [Tasting the syrup] Guess so.

Christine: Mike, pretty soon the splat you get from pies just won't be enough, and then you'll move on to bigger things - like green slime!
Mike: Don't be stupid, Christine. I won't go for that stuff. Besides, it's dangerous.
Christine: Don't lie to me, Mike! You're already splooshing slime, aren't you?
Mike: No, of course not! ... How did you know?
Christine: (examining Mike's T-shirt) Oh, I can tell the signs. Green stains don't wash out as easy as pie. HA! Get it? As "easy as pie"! ... Oh, sorry - serious show. Go ahead, be ashamed.
Mike: Oh Christine, I'm so ashamed. I gotta sploosh now. You don't have to watch if you don't want to.
Christine: Mike, DON'T!
Mike: I gotta! I gotta! Right now!
Christine: No! Mike! Ohh!
(Mike dumps a bucket of green slime over his head.)
Mike: (shivering) Oh, I can feel it running all over me... slithering down the back of my neck and slopping through my shirt... ohhhhhh...
Christine: You're disgusting!
Mike: Oh Christine, help me, please... (reaches out to hug Christine)
Christine: (recoiling) NO! UGH!!!!!!!

Christine: Oh, Lisa?
Lisa: Yes, Moosie?
Christine: How did you learn to act? Did you take acting lessons, or did you just kind of watch other actors?
Lisa: I guess I learned by watching other actors.
Christine: That's what I thought. You know what they say, "Monkey see, monkey do."

Christine: Okay, all of you who want to hear nothing but silence coming from Lisa Ruddy...
Lisa: Oh please, oh please, I know I must have a fan out there somewhere, if you write me I'll say your name, oh please, oh...
Christine: ...Please touch the green square now!
Lisa: Oh please, oh please, oh...
[The audience "votes" for Lisa to lose her voice. Lisa immediately shuts up.]
Christine: Aww, too bad Lisa, I guess all your fans were out to lunch today!
[Lisa holds up a sign that says, "I'LL GET YOU MOOSE!"]

Christine: Some people have asked us, "Why doesn't anyone in the studio laugh at our jokes, like on other comedy shows?" Well, the truth is, they're not really laughing on other comedy shows. What you're hearing is canned laughter, like this. [A few seconds of a canned laugh track plays.] They put that on there to try to make you laugh, in case you don't laugh at their jokes. We, however, do not do this. [Dramatic music begins to play in the background as Christine speaks.] We believe comedy should stand on its own! We have faith in the discernment, intelligence and good taste of you, our viewing audience! -- And also, canned laughter costs a lot; we can't afford it. [The dramatic music abruptly ends. Ironically, despite Christine's badmouthing of canned laughter in this sketch, canned laughter would become part of the spinoff "Whatever Turns You On" a few months later, and of "YCDTOTV" itself by 1982.]

Christine: You know, the producers of this show collect something... idiots.

Christine: You know, when you're doing a TV show and you're trying to remember your lines like I am right now, you tend to develop a lot of really strange fears. Sometimes you'll forget some of the teapots. ... No, no, what I meant to say is sometimes you'll forget some of the whips. ... Okay, the words. Sometimes you'll forget the words, and you'll leave out an important cabbage. ... Forget it, let's just go on to the next cream pie.
Season 4 (1983)