Christian: There's really no point in having a consultation without the patient present.
Dr. Forsythe: She's a gorilla.
Sean: Well, I'm sure you're exaggerating.

Christian: They both have physical problems that need treating. What makes his face more deserving than her tits?
Sean: And you're just a goddamn Mother Teresa, Christian.

Christian: They don't speak a word of English and only love me for my money. But they don't quit until the super Viagra wears off, so who gives a shit.

Christian: Think about it, Sean. Look at what your 70-hour work week did to Matt.
Sean: Your genes are as responsible for that as are my work habits.

Christian: This is about you playing Demi Moore with some 25-year-old punk kid with an overactive libido.
Julia: The one with an overactive libido is a middle-aged surgeon. You fired him for revenge. [Edit] Someone else wants me and you can't stand it.
Christian: Please, I can have anyone anytime I want it.
Julia: You can't have me.
Christian: Julia, your boy toy is me.
Julia: 15 years younger.

Christian: This is for old times' sake. Tell me what you don't like about yourself.
Evetta: Can I answer that one? Cause there are a few things I don't like about Driving Miss Crazy here.
Mrs. Grubman: No, you can't answer that one, Evetta. If I wanted someone with an opinion, I'd have hired Star Jones.

Christian: This is good.
Gina: Its Mahi-Mahi with an Asian slaw. I found the recipe online.
Christian: So what do you want? You need something.
Gina: I need you to make love to me.
Christian: You better have made a kick-ass dessert too, sweetheart.
Gina: I'm serious, Christian. I've got to get this baby out of me. My back aches. My bowels are backed up like a stadium toilet.
Christian: Your seduction skills need a little work.

Christian: Three tickets for the Vin Diesel movie.
Kimber: I thought we're watching Jude Law.
Christian: [rolls eyes] I'm not watching three hours of Jude Law. Doesn't he get castrated at the end of this one?
Kimber: You always choose the movie. We haven't seen anything I like in the past two years.
Christian: I'm sorry the movies I like are not the cinematic masterpieces you direct, Kimber.
Kimber: These 'masterpieces' grossed more in first-month DVD sales than you made the entire year last year, asshole.
Christian: [to Kit] This is all your fault. You are constantly whispering in her ear to box me out. [Edit] Kimber and I understand each other. We have a shorthand. [buys two movie tickets and storms off] Jerk each other off.

Christian: Throw a stone down South Beach and you would hit some model I did not call back.

Christian: Today I took off a man's leg so he could feel whole. [Edit] I guess you just have to do whatever it is that makes you feel complete, no matter how crazy it is. All I know is that without you, something's missing. Us. You and me. Til death do us part. I love you. Marry me. Say yes, Kimber.

Christian: Until now, the worst thing that's happened to this face is a rough exfoliate. I never even had a pimple as a kid.
Sean: Doesn't look like your orbits are involved, maybe just a deviated septum along with the fractured nasal bone. I'll reset it after surgery. You'll be fine.
Christian: Fine? This face? No, you gotta make it what it was before, Sean. Perfect.
Sean: I only do perfect, remember?

Christian: We had a system. If I had a girl in the room, I put the 'Man of Walk' album outside so you know not to come in. But you're the one who insisted coming in most of the time. Pussy, I knew what you wanted. You wanted to see me screw because it was the closest you could get to being laid.

Christian: We're in the vanity business, Sean. It's what we do. Appearance is everything to a kid. It's how you fit in. Snip, snip, he feels better about himself, and you, sir, can make that happen. How cool is fatherhood?
Sean: I'm not doing anything to my son's penis or my wife's breasts. I don't want my family infected by what we do here.

Christian: We're not having a three way.
Sean: Why not, everything else has been... I'll pay, Julia.
Renée: Uh, my name's Renée.
Sean: Not tonight, tonight it's Julia [Christian blows out smoke while shaking head] ...Isn't this what you've always wanted, Christian? ...Isn't this your dream? ..To be with Julia and I here in this moment?
Christian: You're crazy.
Sean: And you haven't got the balls!
Renée: Maybe I should come back?
Christian: No.... Stay, Julia.

Christian: Well, we had a case a couple of years ago... Remember, Sean? This woman came into our office. She burned her lips off in a cooking accident.
Sean: Right, we had to do a graft using skin from her vagina. The only problem was, her husband didn't like oral sex, so she couldn't let him know where the skin came from.
Christian: We called her Pussy Lips. I'd watch a show with pussy lips on it.
Freddy Prune: How soon can you start?
Christian: We're not interested in just being consultants, Mr. Prune.
Sean: We're not?
Christian: We want producer credits and the occasional line.