Aidan Stone: What the hell is this shit, Freddy? A musical episode? How gay is that? Come on, this is the kind of desperate schlock you don't do til your fifth season!

Aidan Stone: Why is it that we're in the plastic surgery capital of the world and we're forced to work with these Miami wannabes? Can you tell me that?
Sean: You are not in charge here! I have seen kids playing doctor who have better surgical technique than you do! I'm giving you an opportunity to be more authentic. I would take it if I were you.

Christian: [referring to the ass bandit] Why would someone do that?
Liz: For the thrill of getting away with it, or maybe because brown is the new black.

Christian: I love all this Californian New Age crap. It is hilarious to make you think that you can stick a needle in your head, and that your whole body is going to go numb; you know it's just a lawsuit waiting to happen.

Christian: I'm a jackrabbit. I don't do slow and steady. I've paid my dues and I want some overnight success.

Christian: I'm taking Carly to the Ivy.
Sean: [referring to Wilbur] Did you call a sitter?
Christian: No, but you're not doing anything. Come on, it's business.
Sean: I thought you turned down her surgery.
Christian: I did turn down her surgery and now I need to turn her on. We're not going to get anywhere in this town by giving Carly Summers a little Botox. She needs a face-lift, a tit job and whatever else I can seduce her into getting. Good plan, huh?
Sean: How about I take the Hollywood star out to dinner and you stay home with your son? I'll do the convincing.
Christian: Because I'm the charismatic salesman and you're the talent. That's the way it's always been.
Sean: That's exactly why I left Miami.

Christian: Julia called yesterday and said she's moving in with someone.
Sean: Well that's great. She's seeing someone, I'm seeing someone.
Christian: Since when you're seeing someone?!
Sean: I'm having a little fling with somebody on the show, an actress.
Christian: Well there's a bit of a difference here. You're not moving in with your current piece of ass!
Sean: Yet!

Christian: Julia moved to Lesbania.
Liz: Julia is just a tourist.

Christian: Let me start off by saying I'm a huge fan. Of all the romantic comedies I've been dragged to by my girlfriends over the years, yours are the ones I hated the least. So, tell me what you don't like about yourself, Miss Summers?
Carly Summers: That I was stupid enough to let Fiona drag me here. Look, Doctor, I'm sure you are a genius at what you do but plastic surgery is an actor's worst nightmare. You stretch actresses' faces so they don't have to stretch themselves.
Fiona: Says the woman who hasn't landed a part deeper than a shot-glass in three years.

Christian: Look, you made a bold move coming out here, partner. Maybe the first one of your life, huh? How many guys our age finally get the opportunity to get the recognition they deserve? This is just the beginning.
Sean: Fame isn't love, Christian. Getting it isn't going to fill up some hole you've had inside you since you were a kid.

Christian: Pineapple juice, baby! Makes a man's shooty-shoot taste infinitely sweeter. It's nature's guarantee of a second date.

Christian: Sorry, am I interrupting "Extreme Makeover: Whore Edition"?

Christian: Well, we had a case a couple of years ago... Remember, Sean? This woman came into our office. She burned her lips off in a cooking accident.
Sean: Right, we had to do a graft using skin from her vagina. The only problem was, her husband didn't like oral sex, so she couldn't let him know where the skin came from.
Christian: We called her Pussy Lips. I'd watch a show with pussy lips on it.
Freddy Prune: How soon can you start?
Christian: We're not interested in just being consultants, Mr. Prune.
Sean: We're not?
Christian: We want producer credits and the occasional line.

Christian: You have a daughter? That is fantastic. What about daddy? You pull him out of the drawer for Thanksgiving to baste the turkey?
Olivia: She was conceived in my college dorm the good, old-fashioned way by adding two hard bodies, a quart of rum and stirring.
Christian: Very kinky. Where's papa now?
Olivia: Where do you think? After he impregnated me, I bit off his head.

Christian: You're right. I'm an asshole.
Fiona: The town's full of assholes. What makes you special?
Christian: Nothing, absolutely nothing.