Blu Mondae: I couldn't even get a job at SeaWorld because my tits weren't 'family-friendly'.

Burt Landau: Brains, brains can help you recognise an opportunity but it is balls that make you a risk-taker.

Burt Landau: My balls are no longer proportionate to my wang. [Edit] Feels like I got an SUV riding around on training wheels down there.

Christian: [After Michelle slaps him in the face for making a pass at her] Just so you know, sweetie-pie, I'm not in to S&M.

Christian: [attempting to pick up a girl at a lesbian bar] I can munch, dive and fish better than any girl in this place. Plus I have in my possession a very life-like dildo just in case you decide to get kinky.

Christian: [in Sean's California operating room] Nurse, it's quieter than an ant's fart in here. Go play some music.
Season 5

Christian: [referring to Conor's birth] So he was born. He won't even remember it. [Edit] Call me when your kid needs stitches or learn how to tie a Windsor knot.

Christian: [referring to Matt's marriage to Kimber] That's like saying we should be happy if you're a drug addict and just scored a bag of heroin.

Christian: [to Merrill, referring to his prison husband] Must have been one hell of a guy. It usually takes at least six karats for a bitch to give it up like that.

Christian: [to Ms. Hudson, who is in Florida on a hunting trip] You know, I can't seem to picture you in camouflage and orange.
Ms. Hudson: Well, after I zero in on my prey, I usually wear nothing at all.
Christian: Now that I can picture.

Christian: [to the ghosts of his former lovers] Goodbye ladies, it's been swell.

Christian: Free surgeries are like sex without an orgasm.
Sean: Unless, of course, the patient's name is Blu Mondae, in which case the free surgery follows an orgasm.

Christian: How do you get that lineation in your abs there? I've been doing a thousand crunches a week and I can't seem to get mine to pop like that.
Dr. Mike Hamoui: I have protein shakes for breakfast and lunch and a light dinner, and no refined sugars. And I'm in here every day.
Christian: How do you find the time?
Dr. Mike Hamoui: Well, the hour you spend watching Sports Center, I'm in here. During your forty-five minute lunch at Joe Stone Crab, I'm jogging down the Strand. Gotta make the sacrifices.
Christian: Sacrifices? You're a goddamn physical terrorist.

Christian: I can vacuum you down to a skeleton, Dawn, but I can't suck out the white trash, now, can I? You want pro-class, you're gonna need a new face and wardrobe to go with your new body.
Dawn Budge: Are you gay, Dr. Troy?
Christian: No, but for a price, I will play Queer Eye for you.

Christian: I can't keep giving you just a part of me, and not all of me.