Sean/Christian: Tell me what you don't like about yourself.

Sean: Check out this bombshell. We're getting ready this morning, and Julia tells me she wants her breasts done.
Christian: If you're thinking conflict of interest, I'd like to volunteer my services.
Sean: Still have a crush on the missus, do we?
Christian: Let the records show that I dated her first and passed off my sloppy seconds to you.

Sean: My god, when was the last time we went to bed and you didn't hate me?

Christian: You wanna talk about the real reason you breezed into town? And do me a favour, Mr. Perez, when you answer, drop the 'no hablo English' bullshit. It doesn't add to my confusion about your predicament, it only highlights your own. I'm a doctor; what you tell me during consultation is confidential.
Silvio Perez: I prefer to let my money talk. [puts a large briefcase on the table]
Christian Troy: Nice alligator.
Silvio Perez: Twenty thousand dollars, according to your website. That's your fee.
Christian: Funny, isn't it? How certain things from Colombia have that pungent aroma that can stink up a room. Coffee, for instance, and of course there's the cartel money.
Silvio Perez: I'm not Colombian. My brother and I, we are Argentinean.
Christian: Mr. Perez, if you were Argentinean, I wouldn't have to recommend porcelain veneers. It's the only South American country with fluoride in the water. One last time, why are you running?
Silvio Perez: I was with the boss' girl.
Christian: Mr. Perez, you cad.

Christian: Can I buy you a drink?
Kimber: I don't drink.
Christian: Can I buy you an appetizer?
Kimber: I don't eat. I'm a model.
[Christian gives up and is ready to leave]
Bartender: Another one before you hit the road?
Christian: No, I have to operate tomorrow.
Kimber: Are you a doctor?
Christian: [flashes smile] Plastic surgeon.

Christian: Let your shortcomings and imperfections fuel you. When you stop striving for perfection you might as well be dead.

Sean: [to Kimber, about Christian] Ms. Henry, I think you're confusing Dr. Troy's pleasant and very thorough bedside manner with real emotions.

Christian: We're in the vanity business, Sean. It's what we do. Appearance is everything to a kid. It's how you fit in. Snip, snip, he feels better about himself, and you, sir, can make that happen. How cool is fatherhood?
Sean: I'm not doing anything to my son's penis or my wife's breasts. I don't want my family infected by what we do here.

Christian: What is it that we're doing, Sean, other than make people feel good about themselves?
Sean: What we do is let people externalize the hatred they feel about themselves.

Christian: Sean, do you know why we just bought twelves packs of ham?
Sean: Because alligators are finicky eaters.

Sean: Have you ever done twins?
Christian: [In a Sean Connery impression] Mother and daughter once but never twins.

Julia: I should be back by 10. Dinner is in the fridge. Heat it up for five minutes at 350º. And, Matt, don't show Annie The Exorcist again.
Matt: She needs to know that evil exists.

Christian: [after Julia had walked in on him in bed with the twins] I'm sorry. I didn't mean for you to catch me in the middle of a DoubleMint moment right there.

Julia: Why haven't I had an orgasm in two years?!?
Sean: Because I didn't want to work that hard.

Sean: Did she indicate that if you slept with her she'd drop the lawsuit?
Christian: Are you actually telling me to stick my dick in the crypt keeper to make your mistake go away?