Christian: What do you think that would be like? To want to get rid of your penis? The hub of all power?
Sean: Actually, I admire her conviction. It takes...
Christian: Balls?

Christian: What is it that we're doing, Sean, other than make people feel good about themselves?
Sean: What we do is let people externalize the hatred they feel about themselves.

Christian: What is it with you and this animal?
Liz: She is an outcast from her tribe, and she is suffering because of it. I know what that feels like.
Christian: Ok, I just want to point out that it was you who compared yourself to a gorilla, not me.

Christian: What we had was spiritual, Kimber. I made you see God everytime you came.

Christian: What's this? You're still smoking?
Gina: I have cravings! Withdrawal is very hard on the baby. I can only eat so much. Would you rather I suck on these or some random guy?
Christian: Do you have any idea what smoking does to a growing fetus? Try acupuncture.
Gina: That'll take care of my addiction but what about my oral fixation?
Christian: Then I'll buy you a bag of goddamn lollipops!

Christian: With the amount of high-calorie choices available to consumers these days and the enormous portions restaurants are shoving in your face, surgery is the only solution for some people.
Liz: Standing proud with your fat-ternity brother, Christian? You can't hide behind those slimming scrubs anymore, Superchub. I saw the tape.
Christian: I don't think it's appropriate to discuss your new jerk-off material over surgery.
Liz: Oh, I didn't masturbate to your sex tape, Christian. I am not a chubby-chaser.
Christian: Oh yeah? Can you still find a cooch under that gunt? [turns to Michelle, who just entered the operationg room] Michelle, can you stop contaminating the sterile environment?

Christian: You and I both know you spent hours deliberating which dress in your closet best displays that world-class cleavage of yours. Since you love being a businesswoman so much, Michelle, let me give you the bottom line. You either get real with me and give in to what we're both feeling, or sell me my business back. Although my nurses might enjoy it, I don't like doing surgery with a hard-on.

Christian: You have a daughter? That is fantastic. What about daddy? You pull him out of the drawer for Thanksgiving to baste the turkey?
Olivia: She was conceived in my college dorm the good, old-fashioned way by adding two hard bodies, a quart of rum and stirring.
Christian: Very kinky. Where's papa now?
Olivia: Where do you think? After he impregnated me, I bit off his head.

Christian: You know what my first impression of Hollywood is, Sean? It's a shithole. Where's the excitement I grew up reading about? Where's the glamour, huh? This town needs me. Which is why I'm moving here.

Christian: You know what they say. For every beautiful girl there is a guy tired of screwing her.

Christian: You lubricate acid. If I stuck my dick in you, it would sizzle off.
Ava: It would sizzle alright.
Season 3

Christian: You wanna talk about the real reason you breezed into town? And do me a favour, Mr. Perez, when you answer, drop the 'no hablo English' bullshit. It doesn't add to my confusion about your predicament, it only highlights your own. I'm a doctor; what you tell me during consultation is confidential.
Silvio Perez: I prefer to let my money talk. [puts a large briefcase on the table]
Christian Troy: Nice alligator.
Silvio Perez: Twenty thousand dollars, according to your website. That's your fee.
Christian: Funny, isn't it? How certain things from Colombia have that pungent aroma that can stink up a room. Coffee, for instance, and of course there's the cartel money.
Silvio Perez: I'm not Colombian. My brother and I, we are Argentinean.
Christian: Mr. Perez, if you were Argentinean, I wouldn't have to recommend porcelain veneers. It's the only South American country with fluoride in the water. One last time, why are you running?
Silvio Perez: I was with the boss' girl.
Christian: Mr. Perez, you cad.

Christian: You weren't exactly upfront about your past.
Michelle: Would you have been if you were me?

Christian: You're right. I suck. I suck as a friend. I suck as a lover. I suck as a fiancée. I'm tired of defending myself.

Christian: You're right. I'm an asshole.
Fiona: The town's full of assholes. What makes you special?
Christian: Nothing, absolutely nothing.