Tony: Soldier of fortune's about to become a soldier of misfortune.
Ziva: Dogs of war about to taste the hair of the dogs.

Tony: What are you doing?
Ziva: I'm checking into Locke's missing girlfriend. You?
Tony: Same.
Ziva: What? Why?
[...]
Tony: Checking her medical records.
Ziva: Why? Do you think she's been lying in some hospital unable to communicate?
Tony: No, I think she's been lying in a shallow grave unable to communicate.
Ziva: Medical records are privileged information. You need a subpoena.
Tony: Not if you have an IOU from a county clerk with a very expressive poker face.

Tony: What do your... astute ninja Mossad senses tell you?

Tony: What were you having feelings about? You just said you were having feelings.
Ziva: I said that I have feelings, not that I am having feelings.
McGee: That is a pretty sophisticated grammatical differentiation.
Tony: Don't change the subject with your big words, McNerd. Ziva says she had a feeling. Tell us about this feeling. What was this feeling?
Ziva: I felt... overwhelmed. Temporarily. Which does not often happen to me. When we were wrestling with Werth.
[Tony and McGee look at each other]
Ziva: What? What is this look?
Tony: Nothing. [Ziva goes back to working, Tony and McGee smile] You like him.
Ziva: He was powerful.
McGee: You really like him
Ziva: No I am saying he is stronger than any man I have encountered. But strength should not decide a battle. There is a weapon for every fight.
McGee: You itchin' for a rematch?
Tony: Wanna roll around on the ground with him some more?
Ziva: I am trying to describe something -- complicated.
Tony: It's not complicated, Ziva. It's Conan.
McGee: To her Red Sonja.
Tony: Nice.
Ziva: It only lasted a moment.
Tony: You had a moment. A moment and a feeling. And a smack to the head, broken nose, dislocated shoulder. It's been a banner day.
Gibbs: Easy on the painkillers, DiNozzo.

Tony: Who do you think is prettier? Ex-wife number three, or future ex-wife number four?
Ziva: Colonel Mann is at a disadvantage because of her uniform. [pause] Tell me you're not trying to imagine her without the uniform, Tony!

Tony: You ever lie to someone you love, Ziva?
Ziva: Yes.
Tony: They ever forgive you?
Ziva: They never found out.
Tony: Mine found out.

Vance: Did you know Mike Franks was involved in this?
Tony/Ziva: No./Yes.
Vance: Want to take a moment to get your stories straight?
Tony/Ziva: Yes./No.
Vance: Whose side are you on?
Tony/Ziva: [together] Gibbs.
Vance: Well, you finally got your story straight.
Season 6

Ziva / McGee: What're you doing here?
Ziva: I asked first.
McGee: Well technically, Ziva, I think that if we were to put that to the test you'd find that it was too close to call. But, since my parents raised a gentleman and yours raised a killer, I was defragging my computers.
Ziva: Liar.

Ziva: [as Jeanne Benoit passes] Be a man, Tony.
Tony: She accused me of murder.
Ziva: Who is the bad guy? Be a man. Go tell her what she needs to hear.

Ziva: [at the copy machine] Die, you stupid machine!
McGee: She seems unfazed.
Tony: Those are standard Mossad-style copy machine assault tactics, McGee. She's fine.

Ziva: [on the phone] No, no, no, it's not you, it's just... well, you know, these things run their course, and, ah... well, you, you must accept--
Tony: Personal call, David?
Ziva: Yes. Go away!
Tony: Somebody being dumped?
Ziva: Oh - how do you tell someone you no longer want to see them?
Tony: Easy. [grabs Ziva's phone] Listen, dirtbag, this is Ziva's husband. I have your phone number now, I can find your address; if you ever try to contact her again, I will reach down your throat, grab your intestines, rip them out and drive over your head! Lose this number or lose your life! [hangs up, hands the phone back to Ziva] You're welcome.
Ziva: That was my Aunt Nettie from Tel Aviv. She was trying to stop seeing her eighty-six-year-old mah jong partner.
Tony: Why didn't you stop me?
Ziva: Too stunned.
Tony: Where do I send flowers?
Ziva: If you communicate with her again, I will kill you.

Ziva: [Seeing Tony working at his desk] What's wrong with this picture?
McGee: You mean, beside Tony being here before us? And actually working?
Tony: I can hear you, you know.

Ziva: [talking about the man the hooker picked up] Personally I think she could have done better.
Tony: Come what?
Ziva: The jack she is with is gross.
Tony: You mean "john?"
Ziva: You know him?
Tony: [shakes head] Oh my God.

Ziva: [to Tony] First movie quote I hear, I am driving.

Ziva: [walks in, smiling and carries a coffee to McGee's desk] For the one you got me last week.
McGee: Aw, thank you.
Ziva: [leans in to see what he's looking at on screen and gasps] That is quite a kiss, McGee!
McGee: [grins] Not bad for a wallpaper, huh?
Ziva: [chuckles] Well, you seem to be enjoying yourself. [muses] I have never seen a tongue quite so... long.
Tony: [walks in, looking at them curiously] McGee has a long tongue?
Ziva: No, but the cutie-pie he's kissing does.
Tony: McGee's kissing a girl?
McGee: You can't see it, Tony.
Tony: Why not?
Ziva: This is McGee's private photograph. And if he does not want you to see it here, then you have to respect his wishes. Or... [hits a key to bring it up on the squadroom plasma screen] ...see it elsewhere.
McGee: Hey!
[The picture turns out to be a very sweet one of McGee kneeling next to the dog Jethro, who is licking his face.]
Tony: [laughs] Oh, McRomeo... you should save that stuff for the bedroom.
McGee: You're just jealous.
Tony: Jealous? I don't think so. What you're doing there could be illegal in some states.