NCIS quotes
1049 total quotesAll Seasons Season 1 Season 2
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[Interrogating a ship's captain, Ziva plucks away his cigar.]
Captain: [in Turkish, under his breath] Bitch...
Mcgee: {confused} What did he say?
Ziva: [in Turkish] How would you like this bitch to apply that cigar to your testicles?
Mcgee: Now what did you say?
Ziva: That I understood him.
Captain: [in Turkish, under his breath] Bitch...
Mcgee: {confused} What did he say?
Ziva: [in Turkish] How would you like this bitch to apply that cigar to your testicles?
Mcgee: Now what did you say?
Ziva: That I understood him.
[McGee doesn't want to go into the room where the explosion happened, and Tony gives him a job to do outside]
McGee: [as he's leaving] On it, boss!
Tony: [smiles] I do love it when he calls me boss.
Ziva: Is that why you're being nice to him?
Tony: I'm not being nice. Lugging foot lockers is probie work. [Ziva gives him a knowing look] ...All right, I cut the probie some slack.
McGee: [as he's leaving] On it, boss!
Tony: [smiles] I do love it when he calls me boss.
Ziva: Is that why you're being nice to him?
Tony: I'm not being nice. Lugging foot lockers is probie work. [Ziva gives him a knowing look] ...All right, I cut the probie some slack.
[Midway through Tony and Ziva's undercover act as married assassins, Abby calls with autopsy results that show the wife was pregnant.]
Ziva: What are you doing?
Tony: I'm trying to picture you pregnant.
Ziva: Don't!
Tony: I have to, I'm gonna be a father! It's a great responsibility.
Ziva: Maybe it's not yours.
Tony: Maybe she didn't know.
Ziva: Oh, she knew.
Tony: Then why take this contract? Put our unborn child in danger?
Ziva: Maybe we needed the money.
Tony: Kids are expensive...
Ziva: And bullets are cheap. There is a big chance that this meeting is a set-up, Tony.
Tony: Are you scared?
Ziva: No... excited.
Ziva: What are you doing?
Tony: I'm trying to picture you pregnant.
Ziva: Don't!
Tony: I have to, I'm gonna be a father! It's a great responsibility.
Ziva: Maybe it's not yours.
Tony: Maybe she didn't know.
Ziva: Oh, she knew.
Tony: Then why take this contract? Put our unborn child in danger?
Ziva: Maybe we needed the money.
Tony: Kids are expensive...
Ziva: And bullets are cheap. There is a big chance that this meeting is a set-up, Tony.
Tony: Are you scared?
Ziva: No... excited.
[searching a Naval officer's house]
Tony: [gasps] It can't be! Do you realize what we have here?
Ziva: Another ugly shirt?
Tony: This is an authentic "Magnum, P.I." Jungle Bird design! 100% cotton, bamboo buttons, "Made in Hawaii" label! Come on, this is the Holy Grail of Aloha garments!
McGee: That's great.
Tony: Eight seasons Magnum wore this shirt, putting up with Higgins and those stupid dogs. [imitating Higgins] "Zeus! Apollo!"
[N.B. Series creator Donald Bellasario also created and executive-produced "Magnum, P.I."]
Tony: [gasps] It can't be! Do you realize what we have here?
Ziva: Another ugly shirt?
Tony: This is an authentic "Magnum, P.I." Jungle Bird design! 100% cotton, bamboo buttons, "Made in Hawaii" label! Come on, this is the Holy Grail of Aloha garments!
McGee: That's great.
Tony: Eight seasons Magnum wore this shirt, putting up with Higgins and those stupid dogs. [imitating Higgins] "Zeus! Apollo!"
[N.B. Series creator Donald Bellasario also created and executive-produced "Magnum, P.I."]
[searching a Naval officer's house]
Ziva: Once he saw us at Norfolk, he must have taken a kite.
Tony: Hike. The expression is taking a hike.
McGee: She may have had it confused with �go fly a kite.��
Ziva: I speak five languages, forgive me if I get confused sometimes. I found his bank book.
Tony: Check book.
Ziva: Whatever you call it. His deposits seem high.
Tony: Where you come from, they may seem high but here in the good ol' U.S. of A... [sees the checkbook] These are really, really high.
[A sound is heard elsewhere in the house. All three of them draw their guns.]
Ziva: I think it's the-
Tony: Shh!
[They walk to the kitchen and open the cupboard, a marmoset shrieks, Tony jumps]
Tony: It's a...
Ziva: It's a marmoset.
McGee: Actually, that's a capuchin.
Ziva: Once he saw us at Norfolk, he must have taken a kite.
Tony: Hike. The expression is taking a hike.
McGee: She may have had it confused with �go fly a kite.��
Ziva: I speak five languages, forgive me if I get confused sometimes. I found his bank book.
Tony: Check book.
Ziva: Whatever you call it. His deposits seem high.
Tony: Where you come from, they may seem high but here in the good ol' U.S. of A... [sees the checkbook] These are really, really high.
[A sound is heard elsewhere in the house. All three of them draw their guns.]
Ziva: I think it's the-
Tony: Shh!
[They walk to the kitchen and open the cupboard, a marmoset shrieks, Tony jumps]
Tony: It's a...
Ziva: It's a marmoset.
McGee: Actually, that's a capuchin.
[The team arrives at the scene, a police officer greets Tony]
Officer: Special Agent Gibbs?
Tony: Uh, no... he's the older gentleman with the smile on his face.
[Chuckles and points to a stern-faced Gibbs who is briskly walking past them to the crime scene]
Officer: Special Agent Gibbs?
Tony: Uh, no... he's the older gentleman with the smile on his face.
[Chuckles and points to a stern-faced Gibbs who is briskly walking past them to the crime scene]
[The team is sitting in a car parked at the docks, watching a freighter]
Tony: This is so "Usual Suspects"...
Ziva: Tony, your dying words would be, "I've seen this film."
Tony: This is so "Usual Suspects"...
Ziva: Tony, your dying words would be, "I've seen this film."
[The team tracks their kidnap victim's cell phone to two teens sneaking beer in the woods.]
Ziva: Who's on the phone?
Danny: Uh, my girlfriend.
[Ziva takes the phone.]
Ziva: [sexy voice] Hi... [giggles] Oh, my God, don't touch me there!
Danny's Girlfriend: What?
Ziva: He's gonna have to call you back, bye!
Danny's Girlfriend: Wait a second...!
Ziva: [hangs up, to Danny] You're busted.
Ziva: Who's on the phone?
Danny: Uh, my girlfriend.
[Ziva takes the phone.]
Ziva: [sexy voice] Hi... [giggles] Oh, my God, don't touch me there!
Danny's Girlfriend: What?
Ziva: He's gonna have to call you back, bye!
Danny's Girlfriend: Wait a second...!
Ziva: [hangs up, to Danny] You're busted.
[Tony & Gibbs have just found Abby, (who is in a very "Wonder Woman" pose) repeatedly shocking the hitman with her stun gun]
Abby: I'll be with you in a minute, Gibbs. [continues shocking the man] And don't look up my skirt!
Gibbs: [laughing, nods in approval] Okay.
Abby: I'll be with you in a minute, Gibbs. [continues shocking the man] And don't look up my skirt!
Gibbs: [laughing, nods in approval] Okay.
[Tony and Ziva in plain clothes get caught by a gun-holding security officer while searching a suspect's house]
Tony: Relax, quickdraw, we're Feds.
Security Officer: Yeah? What agency?
Tony/Ziva: NCIS.
Security Officer: Never heard of it.
Ziva: Naval Criminal Investigative...
Security Officer: Never-heard-of-it.
Tony: [sighs] Never actually get used to that. You think you will, but you never do.
Tony: Relax, quickdraw, we're Feds.
Security Officer: Yeah? What agency?
Tony/Ziva: NCIS.
Security Officer: Never heard of it.
Ziva: Naval Criminal Investigative...
Security Officer: Never-heard-of-it.
Tony: [sighs] Never actually get used to that. You think you will, but you never do.
[Tony is in a jail cell, going crazy rambling about his case]
Tony: You know, I've been thinking. I'm a federal prosecutor's dream.
[...]
Tony: Because I'm angry, and I'm immature, and I like control!
[...]
Tony: Yes, I ripped a glove at the scene. It seems a little sloppy for a federal agent who investigates crime scenes, but, you know, those are the breaks when you're a homicidal maniac dumping butchered women's remains out in the woods in the middle of the night! Right?
[...]
Tony: I'm not getting out of this one, am I, boss?
[Gibbs gestures him over, then slaps him upside the head]
Tony: Thank you, boss.
Tony: You know, I've been thinking. I'm a federal prosecutor's dream.
[...]
Tony: Because I'm angry, and I'm immature, and I like control!
[...]
Tony: Yes, I ripped a glove at the scene. It seems a little sloppy for a federal agent who investigates crime scenes, but, you know, those are the breaks when you're a homicidal maniac dumping butchered women's remains out in the woods in the middle of the night! Right?
[...]
Tony: I'm not getting out of this one, am I, boss?
[Gibbs gestures him over, then slaps him upside the head]
Tony: Thank you, boss.
[Tony is protecting Abby from gunfire]
Tony: (lying on top of Abby) Are you hit?
Abby: (gasping) No... You're heavy!
Tony: Sorry.
Abby: (feeling his leg) My god, no wonder you're so heavy, Tony, you're all muscle!
Tony: Abby, shhh!!
Abby: You're packing a nice booty too!
Tony: Hey! Is this how you deal with getting shot at?
Abby: I don't know, it's my first time.
Tony: (lying on top of Abby) Are you hit?
Abby: (gasping) No... You're heavy!
Tony: Sorry.
Abby: (feeling his leg) My god, no wonder you're so heavy, Tony, you're all muscle!
Tony: Abby, shhh!!
Abby: You're packing a nice booty too!
Tony: Hey! Is this how you deal with getting shot at?
Abby: I don't know, it's my first time.
[While Tony and Ziva are on stakeout, Ziva thinks Tony is asleep behind his sunglasses. Mischievously, she begins to tip her water bottle over his crotch...]
Tony: Do it and die, Amadeus.
Tony: Do it and die, Amadeus.
[Ziva and Tony are watching probie agents attending an autopsy.]
Ziva: We had this same test at Mossad. If you fail, they terminate you.
Tony: How do you fail an autopsy?
[One of the probies vomits.]
Ziva: By doing that. What happens if you fail here?
Gibbs: [Walking in] Well, it depends, Officer David. Some of them go on to become our Director.
Ziva: We had this same test at Mossad. If you fail, they terminate you.
Tony: How do you fail an autopsy?
[One of the probies vomits.]
Ziva: By doing that. What happens if you fail here?
Gibbs: [Walking in] Well, it depends, Officer David. Some of them go on to become our Director.
[Ziva escapes her cuffs and subdues the obnoxious Security Officer, aiming her gun at him.]
Tony: Nobody's going to shoot anyone. Right, Officer David?
Ziva: He called me a dirtbag.
Security Officer: [whimpering] I'm sorry, ma'am.
Ziva: [angrier] "Ma'am"?
[Tony facepalms]
Tony: Nobody's going to shoot anyone. Right, Officer David?
Ziva: He called me a dirtbag.
Security Officer: [whimpering] I'm sorry, ma'am.
Ziva: [angrier] "Ma'am"?
[Tony facepalms]