Monica: But that's clearly a joke. This could easily be true.

Monica: Chandler, you have to tell Joey that you're not in Tulsa.
Chandler: Don't you think it's better for him to think that you're cheating on me than for him to think that I'm cheating on him? [Monica looks at him strangely] I heard it!

Monica: David, can you help me?! I'm trying to explain to Chandler how a plane stays in the air.
David: Oh, certainly. That's a combination of Bernoulli's principle and Newton's third law of motion.
Monica: [To Chandler] See?
Chandler: Yeah, that's the same as "it has something to do with wind".

Monica: I got one. "Socks. Because your family's feet deserve the best."

Monica: Rachel, things can get incredibly complicated.
Rachel: All right, all right! You're right, I won't do anything with Joey. I just thought it would be...
[Joey walks in]
Rachel: Okay... so that would be two cups of tarragon, one pound of baking soda and one red onion?
Monica: What the hell are you cooking?

Monica: Really? That scientist guy?
Phoebe: Really? Chandler?

Monica: Well, you're different funny. You're more sarcastic and well, he does fits and impressions and limericks.
Chandler: I can do limericks. 'There once was a man named Chandler, whose wife made him die inside!'

Monica: Why don't you sit down... get yourself comfortable... because I have a little surprise for you.
Chandler: Well, well, well. It must be five in Tulsa because it's "sex o'clock" in NYC!
Monica: Okay, this is how much I love you.
[Monica plays a shark documentary and rolls over Chandler's side, while Chandler gets a confused look]
Chandler: Honey? Why am I watching a bunch of sharks swimming around?
Monica: Oh, is, is this not the good part? Do you want me to fast-forward to something... toothier?
Chandler: No, I'm just not sure that y-you got the right movie, that's all.
Monica: Oh. Well this is the only one they had at our video store. Oh, but they did have something called "Crocodile Killers"... or does it always have to be sharks?
Chandler: Does what always have to be sharks?
Monica: Honey! We-- look, we could do something else. D-Do you want me to get into the tub and... thrash?
Chandler: What's going on?
Monica: It's okay. It's okay, I still love you. Let me be a part of this.
Chandler: Let me be a part of this!

Monica: Why don't you take Ross?
Ross: Uh, don't you think that would be a little weird? I mean, two guys in a romantic inn...
Monica: No, not if their room has two beds!
Ross: [Browsing the brochure] I guess... It still seems a little... [Enthusiastically] moonlight boat ride!

Monica: Wow! That Mike thing was interesting! I don't know what's gonna happen with Phoebe and David.
Chandler: [Smiling cheekily] I do! Want a hint? huh? "I do" [Monica looks confused, so Chandler repeats] "I do".
Monica: Ok, I'm sensing that this is some kind of word play, because you are pink with barely controlled glee.
Chandler: David is going to propose to Phoebe.
Monica: What? [Looks very shocked] Why?
Chandler: Be-cause, we were talking about ways that he could beat Mike and I told him that Phoebe wanted to get married.
Monica: Chandler, we have talked about this. You are not supposed to give people advice! Now couldn't you just have made some sort of inappropriate joke?
Chandler: I did! A penis one!

Monica: [On the phone with Rachel, panicking because Emma's missing] Hey, Rach, by any chance, did you come by here and pick Emma up?
Rachel: No, why?
Monica: Oh, my...! Then that means...[Just then, Joey comes in the door holding Emma] Oh, Emma! Thank God! There you are!
Rachel: [Worried] Wha-what do you mean "There you are"?! Where was she?!
Monica: [Forgetting Rachel was still on the phone] Oh, uh, we were just playing peek-a-boo. She loves it when I'm dramatic. [Quickly hangs up]
Monica: [To Joey] Why the hell did you take her?!
Joey: Because you two were having [Whispers last word so Emma doesn't hear] sex!
Monica: No, we weren't.
Joey: Don't you lie to me. I can tell by Chandler's hair. [To Chandler] You are so lazy. Can't you get on top for once?
Chandler: [Embarrassed, tries to fix his messy hair] All right, we were! We were trying to make a baby. Monica's ovulating.
Joey: Which is more than I can say for myself as of 2:00 today. [He and Chandler laugh, and Joey indicates that he peed on Monica's ovulation sticks]
Monica: You guys! Seriously, those sticks are expensive!
Joey: Hey, it is unacceptable that you'd have sex with Emma in the next room. I'm gonna have to tell Rachel about this.
Monica and Chandler: No, no! Please don't. She'll kill us.
Joey: Hey, I gotta. Unless...
Chandler: Unless what?
Joey: Unless you name your first-born child Joey.
Chandler: What? Why?
Joey: Hey, I may never have kids. And someone has to carry on my family name.
Chandler: Your family name is Tribbiani.
Joey: [Thinks this over for a few seconds] Oh-ho, you almost had me. [He leaves, and Chandler covers his face with his hands at the sheer ignorance of Joey]

Phoebe: And I heard him say, as he flew out of sight, "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!"
Joey: Wow, you really wrote that?
Phoebe: Uh-huh.

Phoebe: [Searching her address book for someone to date Joey] Ooh, here's a good one: Sandy Poopach.
Joey: [Stifles a laugh]
Phoebe: I guess that rules out Lana Titweiller.
Joey: [Bursts out laughing] AH-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Phoebe: [singing] Ipan stripan glupi glapi! And that's the Swedish National Anthem, thank you for asking!
Rachel: Wow, what a rich culture! You know, I have a friend who's a masseuse!
Phoebe: Oh, ya!
Rachel: She's not very good, though!
Phoebe: And why do you think that is?
Rachel: I don't know! Maybe because she's got callousy fingers from playing a crummy guitar!
Phoebe: Or maybe she has trouble loosening your knots because you're such a high-maintenance tight-ass!
Rachel: [turns up] PHOEBE!!
Phoebe: You know it's me?
Rachel: For a half-hour! Man, you can lie about Sweden!
Phoebe: How can you come here?
Rachel: How can you not tell me you work here?
Phoebe: I don't have to tell you everything!
Rachel: Yes you do, if you're going to make me feel guilty for getting a free massage!
Phoebe: Tips not included.
Rachel: Why did you lie to me about working here?
Phoebe: I was ashamed! I sold out for the cash! They give me benefits like medical and dental and a 401! But you pay a price! Now I'm this corporate stooge, punching a clock, and paying taxes!
Rachel: If you hate it, you should walk out there and quit! Be true to what you believe in! You have principles and I so admire that! I don't have any!
Phoebe: You're right, I am going to quit! It's time I took my life back!
Rachel: Good for you, Pheebs!
[Phoebe leaves the room, then looks up at the ceiling and whispers]
Phoebe: If you guys had microphones in there, I didn't mean that! I love you!

Phoebe: Monica, look what I got to wear when I play at your restaurant! [Showcases a top hat and hand-held glasses] This might class up 'The Ballad of the Uncircumcised Man'!
Monica: Phoebe, maybe I wasn't clear before...I love listening to your music here, but my restaurant is an upscale place!
Phoebe: I'll ask the butler to fetch my diamonds out of the vault!
Monica: It's not what you wear, it's your songs! I don't think you should play at the restaurant anymore!
Phoebe: [disappointed] Oh...OK. I'll take the hat back. [puts the hat back in the bag and stamps on it]
Rachel: [After a pause] So...the funniest thing happened at work...
Phoebe: [Interrupting, to Monica] My songs aren't good enough for your restaurant?!
Rachel: We're still on that!
Monica: I didn't say that!
Phoebe: Then what's wrong with them? They don't go with your tiny portions of pretentious food?
Monica: Tiny portions?!
Phoebe: "Excuse me, I ordered the smoked salmon appetizer, but [Wears the glasses] I cahn't see it! I cahn't see it!"
Monica: It's not about quantity!
Phoebe: It's not about quality!
Monica: You want to talk quality? Ever heard of a key?! It's what some people sing in!!
Phoebe: At least my songs don't taste like garlic! [Monica opens her mouth] There are other ingredients!
Monica: So that's what we're doing?! When I'm in the coffee house bopping along to one of your songs, I'm wearing earplugs!
Phoebe: Earplugs, or cloves of garlic?
Monica: [Gets up abruptly] I take back what I said before! You keep playing, because with your music driving people inside, my bar sales have gone up like crazy!
Phoebe: What are they having? The GARLIC MARTINI?!