Ari: People, staff meeting has been canceled. You will all have one goal today: to get Vincent Chase's brother, Johnny Chase, a job. [shows pic of Drama] Any job. I don't care if its a porn shoot in which he is being gang-raped by a gaggle of silverback apes, if there are cameras rolling, everybody wins. Ten grand to anyone that could deliver this to me today.
Lloyd: [after following Ari out of the conference room] Can I vie for the ten grand prize also, Ari?
Ari: Sure, but you'll get paid in yen. Now try E one more fucking time.

Ari: [to Turtle] Hey, moron. He's 13.
Drama: In celeb years, it's like 30.
Eric: So what's that make you, Drama? Like, 140?
Drama: So you're admitting I'm a celeb.

Ari: Everybody stop. I didn't go to the Lakers game because they're playing the fucking Bobcats. And I came here today because I thought this was a session on how my wife could learn to communicate. How to answer a question without a question. Basic Humanity 101. Which, I thought, given your wall of fucking diplomas, you could easily fix. Or if you couldn't, you could give her a pill that would either fix it or make her a mute. But now, to turn around and gang up on me -- I have work to do. I have hundreds of clients to deal with and just so we're clear, I don't care about any of them. They're all just a number, like wife #1 and therapist #7. Good day.
Mrs. Ari: You're really only our fifth.

Drama: You know what they say: "An actor with a no agent is..."
Eric: Is what?
Drama: Is fucked!

Drama: You know, Eddie Burns offered me Brothers McMullen. True story. But I took a TV show instead.
Turtle: Was that when you did your full-frontal Red Shoe Diary?
Drama: No. That's when I did my three-episode arc on 90210, sexually harassing Tori Spelling.
Turtle: Nice choice.

Eric: [Waking up at 5:30 a.m. and dialing Ari] Enjoy this, motherfucker.
Mrs Ari: [hearing Ari's phone ring] Who died?
Ari: No one, yet. [answers the phone] What?
Eric: It looks like I woke you up this time, Ari.
Ari: No, but you did wake my wife and kids, dickhead. Vinnie better be sitting in prison with a DUI or something. Is he?
Eric: No...
Ari: Then what the fuck do you want, cunt muscle?

Eric: Hey, jerkoff. You signed him up to judge a stripper contest.
Turtle: Really? Titties?
Eric: It's a stripper contest.
Turtle: Nice.

Eric: Remember me?
Ari: One never forgets their first love, E.

Turtle: It could be fun, Vince. Like that time you got auctioned off at the Feed the World event.
Vince: Jesus. Remember that Cuban guy who bought me and wanted me to come live with him in Havana?
Drama: The guy never sent me those Cuban cigars he promised. I should call.
Turtle: Yeah. Ask him if he knows any good lefties for the Yanks' bullpen while you're at it.

Turtle: Wait 'til you see dinner. I got ten of the best strippers in town joining us tonight.
Drama: Strippers -- why?
Turtle: Now shouldn't it be "Strippers -- how?" and "Thank you"?
Vince: Thank you.

[Ari has called E early in the morning]
E: So, we had an offer?
Ari: No, we got a problem.
E: Oh, don't tell me that Ari, not today. You said you were sure.
Ari: I was. I just got off the phone with Rubenstein's people. Somebody robbed his house at the party last night.
E: What?
Ari: Stole the original Shrek doll right out of its apparently-impossible-to-break-into case.
E: Jesus.
Ari: Cops are all over. I don't want to tell you E, but if this comes up smelling bad for us, you can kiss Bogota goodbye.
E: Why would it come bad for us?
Ari: I'm thinking about your new housemate, E.
E: Ari, there were 300 people there.
Ari: WELL, 299 OF 'EM DIDN'T SERVE TIME!

[Ari has failed to get back the I Wanna Be Sedated screenplay from Alan Gray for Vince. Dana Gordon tries to tell him something]
Dana Gordon: I'm gonna tell you something that you swear it's not gonna come back to me.
Ari: As always, hand over heart. You know that.
Dana : Ari, please.
Ari: I swear.
Dana: Alan's not gonna make this movie. He bought it just to spite Vince, and he's gonna stick it in a drawer.
Ari: Jesus, he really is crazy.
Dana: Mm-hmm.
Ari: Why are you telling me this?
Dana: Because I hate working for him and I want out. And Ari, come on, I mean, I love this movie. I grew up on the Ramones, and I love it for Vince, so get me on as a producer.
Ari: How? It's Alan's movie.
Dana: No. Not yet it isn't. They're still negotiating Bob's perk package, so just make sure Bob doesn't sign those papers.
Ari: Dana, [kisses her forehead] I have NEVER cheated on my wife, not since she became my wife, but if you wanna jerk me right now in the car, I'm game.
Dana: [smiles] Rain check, Ari.

[Ari saves Lloyd from a night out with potential client Jay Lester]
Jay Lester: You know the old saying, "Fuck Chinese and you're horny again half an hour later" - [Lloyd slaps him to the shock of a nearby crowd]
Lloyd: I'm an American of Chinese descent [pokes Jay] and you are what, Jay? Just another overweight hack TV writer! [leaves with Ari]
Ari: [on the way out] Remind me not to get on your bad side, Lloyd.
Lloyd: Ari Gold, you could never.

[Ari tries one last gamble to retain Vince as his client after he discovers Vince looking at other agencies. It flops.]
Ari: Vince, what are you doing?
Vince: Ari, I didn't need the whole dog-and-pony show. I really thought you were different from everyone else.
Ari: Vince, I am.
Vince: Ari, you do things your own way and you don't give a shit what we think about it.
Ari: I do give a shit. You should have seen me today begging and pleading to get that movie back, but it's gone. The past is the past, let's look to the future.
Vince: You're unreal. I mean, even after you fuck up like this, you can't even muster the strength to just, as my friend, look me in the face and say "I'm sorry."
Ari: That's all you wanted?
Vince: That's all I wanted.
Ari: Then I'm sorry, Vin.
Vince: It's too late.
Ari: Vince...
E: Ari, you're fired.
Vince: [to Turtle and Drama] Let's roll.

[Ari vents his frustrations at Lloyd seeing the gang watching a Lakers game on courtside seats...with Vince's new agent, Amanda]
Ari: The Lakers game, the FUCKING Lakers game?!? Oh Jesus-the house that I built!
Lloyd: Maybe it was his birthday present.
Ari: You think? I put him on the court on Arbor Day and that's his present? Gosh, she's so fucking wrong for him?