Ari Gold: [answering "emergency" phone call from Eric during a marriage counseling session] There better be a SCUD missile headed towards Beverly Hills, Eric.
Eric: No, it's a fucking iceberg, Ari.
Ari Gold: What?
Eric: James Cameron's directing Aquaman.
Ari Gold: Fuck you. Where'd you hear that, Friendster?
Eric: No, I heard it from Josh Weinstein, jerkoff. Now, why don't you get your hand off your dick and go call somebody.
Ari: [talking to Lloyd over the phone] I don't care if he's in the Arctic shelf. Get James Cameron on the phone, get Dana Gordon on the phone, tell her assistant that if she does not call me back, I'll fuck her worse than I did in Cabo in '92.
Lloyd: Do you really want me to say that?
Ari: Improvise, Lloyd. I'll there in 90 seconds, find out who covers Warners. If all of this is not taken care of, I'll choke you out with a strap-on!

Ari: Chang Chung is the hottest director in Hong Kong. Tarantino has already decided he's the next guy he wants to steal from.
Vince: Cool. Guy must be good. Tarantino only steals from the best.
Ari: That's right, baby.

Ari: Sounds like you might too. But I'll tell you what, Domino's is hiring. Why don't you put that little pizza sign on top of your Maserati. Now that, is comedy.
Eric: Yeah, and getting dragged through your office, in front of your entire staff by a guy half your size, Now, that's tragedy [hangs up phone]

Drama: I remember I broke up with Stacy Laruzzo a week before Valentine's Day. I got back with her a week after. No chocolates, no roses...
Eric: No class.

Drama: Let me get this straight. She convinces you to get these extravagant accommodations and then she bails?
Eric: She didn't bail, she got sick. Before the date, unlike your girls, that get sick when they arrive.

Drama: This is kind of embarrassing, but sometimes I wake up in the morning fully tented. Any advice?
Dr. Joyce Brothers: Well, at your age, consider yourself lucky.
Drama: How fucking old do you think I am?

Eric [to Vince]: Forget that girl. The only reason she was with me was 'cause I'm your manager.
Turtle: So? Do you know how much pussy I got in this town that I didn't deserve?
Drama: All of it?

Turtle: He cries in front of her, shows her he's sensitive... bang! He moves right in.
Drama: Yeah. His tears will basically act as a lubricant.

Vince: [talking about picking up where he and Mandy Moore left off] We look at it like we've been dating for five years with a four and a half-year break.

Vince: Any big news stories today, E?
Eric: What do you mean?
Vince: Mandy's really smart. She was always testing me on what was going on in the world.
[Everyone is silent.]
Turtle: I heard Pamela Anderson dropped another tit size.

[Ari confronts Terrence McQuewick over his attempt to get Vince as a client.]
Ari: Vince is my client. I took him from nothing, alright, and now he is on the cusp. I ain't sharing him.
Terrence: You know when I started this company in 1971, my mantra was, "Every client should be represented by every agent in the building." And yes alright, technically, he is your client, but this is my agency.
Ari: And I'm a fucking partner.
Terrence: I've had more than a few partners. Not all of them have lasted. Enjoy your evening. [leaves]

[Ari has Vince and 'E' in his office; he's about to tell them about a new movie project.]
Ari: You're ready?
Eric: Let's go Ari. We're ready, c'mon!
Ari: [points to Eric] This kid's got no patience. You know, in some countries they cut off your little elfin feet for disrupting the master's flow.
Eric: I'll shove my elfin foot up in your ass!
Ari: You missed me, didn't you?
Vince: Ari! C'mon!
Ari: All right! You're ready? AAAQUAMAN!
Vince: Aquaman?
Ari: Aquaman, baby!! It is Spiderman... underwater. Boooom!

[At an X-Box Fight Night tournament, Turtle submits his fake urine sample for drug testing.]
Turtle: Where do I take the test?
Attendant: The what?
Turtle: The drug test. I jacked two bottles of water in the car for this, so can we just get over with this please?
Attendant: This is X-Box, loser, not the Olympics. We don't get drug tests. If we do, we'd be out of business, idiot. [gang heckles Turtle]
Drama: Sucker!
E: Nice, Turtle.
Turtle: [laughs and holds sample] What the fuck do I do with this now!!?
Vince: Drink it.

[At the San Diego Comic Con, E and Turtle has failed to convince RJ Spencer to drop his plans to slam Vince over his website]
Jesse Jane: [seeing Spencer walk away upon being threatened by Turtle] What the fuck is his problem?
E: He hates Vince. He's gonna trash him on his website, saying he's gonna make a shitty Aquaman.
Jane: Why? Vince would make an adorable Aquaman.
E: You should tell him that.
Turtle: Yeah sweetie, you should. If Aquaman is in trouble, and the fate of the land and all mankind is in his hands, he should unleash the power of the pussy.
Jane: Don't bullshit me, tough guy. If I do it, I'll do it because I like Vince.

[Drama finally confronts Adam Davies over why he is avoiding his calls.]
Drama: Are you my agent or not?
Davies: You were a family deal, Johnny. If Vince isn't a client, I'm afraid you're not a client.
Pauly Shore: [laughs] Karma is a bitch! [referring to how Drama got him banned from the Playboy Mansion. Drama tries to punch Davies but Turtle holds him back] We're in a fucking meeting, man.
Drama: You promised me something I would steal. [gets Davies' office TV]
Shore: Taking his TV, what're you a fucking Surreal Life cast member, you freak? [laughs]
Drama: [to Davies] I'll see you on the outside! [marches out of office]
Shore: Get a life, loser boy!
Season 3