Ari Gold: [answering "emergency" phone call from Eric during a marriage counseling session] There better be a SCUD missile headed towards Beverly Hills, Eric.
Eric: No, it's a fucking iceberg, Ari.
Ari Gold: What?
Eric: James Cameron's directing Aquaman.
Ari Gold: Fuck you. Where'd you hear that, Friendster?
Eric: No, I heard it from Josh Weinstein, jerkoff. Now, why don't you get your hand off your dick and go call somebody.
Ari: [talking to Lloyd over the phone] I don't care if he's in the Arctic shelf. Get James Cameron on the phone, get Dana Gordon on the phone, tell her assistant that if she does not call me back, I'll fuck her worse than I did in Cabo in '92.
Lloyd: Do you really want me to say that?
Ari: Improvise, Lloyd. I'll there in 90 seconds, find out who covers Warners. If all of this is not taken care of, I'll choke you out with a strap-on!

Ari: I do what I do and I'm pretty good about it, I'd spend every last dime that I have to show her how much I care about her.
Season 8

Ari: People, staff meeting has been canceled. You will all have one goal today: to get Vincent Chase's brother, Johnny Chase, a job. [shows pic of Drama] Any job. I don't care if its a porn shoot in which he is being gang-raped by a gaggle of silverback apes, if there are cameras rolling, everybody wins. Ten grand to anyone that could deliver this to me today.
Lloyd: [after following Ari out of the conference room] Can I vie for the ten grand prize also, Ari?
Ari: Sure, but you'll get paid in yen. Now try E one more fucking time.

Ari: [to Turtle] Hey, moron. He's 13.
Drama: In celeb years, it's like 30.
Eric: So what's that make you, Drama? Like, 140?
Drama: So you're admitting I'm a celeb.

Ari: Chang Chung is the hottest director in Hong Kong. Tarantino has already decided he's the next guy he wants to steal from.
Vince: Cool. Guy must be good. Tarantino only steals from the best.
Ari: That's right, baby.

Ari: Even with a million-man army you sometimes have to do the grunt work yourself. Saddam Hussein had to hang a few without his assistants.

Ari: Everybody stop. I didn't go to the Lakers game because they're playing the fucking Bobcats. And I came here today because I thought this was a session on how my wife could learn to communicate. How to answer a question without a question. Basic Humanity 101. Which, I thought, given your wall of fucking diplomas, you could easily fix. Or if you couldn't, you could give her a pill that would either fix it or make her a mute. But now, to turn around and gang up on me -- I have work to do. I have hundreds of clients to deal with and just so we're clear, I don't care about any of them. They're all just a number, like wife #1 and therapist #7. Good day.
Mrs. Ari: You're really only our fifth.

Ari: How is the most fuckable president of production in town?
Dana: Ari, get the fuck out.
Ari: Brought Cristal and Sprinkles cupcakes.. Your favorite. Or is it mine? What's the difference, we used to eat everything off each other anyway.

Ari: If you don't want to talk and you don't want to have sex, what else is there to do in here?
Mrs. Gold: Do you want to talk?
Ari: I'd rather have sex.

Ari: Sounds like you might too. But I'll tell you what, Domino's is hiring. Why don't you put that little pizza sign on top of your Maserati. Now that, is comedy.
Eric: Yeah, and getting dragged through your office, in front of your entire staff by a guy half your size, Now, that's tragedy [hangs up phone]

Billy Walsh: [to narrator] 'Movie'? I hate the word movie. I don't make movies, I make films!

Drama: Just us men and our souls. And a bag of 'shrooms.

Drama: You know what they say: "An actor with a no agent is..."
Eric: Is what?
Drama: Is fucked!

Drama: [after closing the door on the trailer where an extra stands waiting in bikini] Who's that?
Turtle: It's an extra. You're her favorite character.
Drama: What am I supposed to do with her?
Turtle: Fuck her! What do you think?
Drama: You think I need you to pick up extras for me to bang?
Turtle: Well, I did have to charm about 20 of them before I found one that would say yes.
Drama: Do you know how stupid this is?
Turtle: I thought it'd make you happy?
Drama: No, it doesn't make me happy. I can't have an extra in my trailer. I got sexual harassment lawsuits coming out my ass as it is.
Turtle: I never heard about those.
Drama: I don't tell you everything.

Drama: I remember I broke up with Stacy Laruzzo a week before Valentine's Day. I got back with her a week after. No chocolates, no roses...
Eric: No class.