Chang: [pulls out a roll of coins] Do you know what this is?
Duncan: A roll of quarters?
Chang: Yeah, that's right! [punches Duncan]
Season 2

Chang: Chang babies love the sauce, you know? Alcohol AND Duck.

Chang: Guys, I got a confession to make. I took anthropology because I want to be a part of your study group. Now, I gotta do the honest thing and just ask. Is there any room in this pocket for a little spare Chang?

Chang: I don't like that fact that you're walking around here like you're better than me in front of my students!
[Both notice a man showering in the corner]

Chang: I never told you this, but Changs are usually born with tails. You... sort of dodged a bullet there.
Season 3

Chang: My nephew Jim was born on the treadmill at Bally Total Fitness; 20% incline.

Chang: Silencio por favor. Starburns, that means you.
Starburns: My name's Alex, dude.
Chang: Well, maybe you should spend five hours sclupting that in your face.

Chang: What's this? What's going on?
Abed: It's a mixer.
Chang: Well why's everyone from Anthro class here? Are you guys picking a new study group member--and you didn't invite me?
Abed: We didn't know how to reach you.
Chang: What are you talking about? I'm everywhere.
Abed: We didn't know how to reach you.
Chang: That's not true. That's a lie.
Abed: [twitching] It's a mixer. We didn't know how to reach you. It's a mixer. It's a mixer. It's a mixer. It's a mixer. It's a mixer.
[Chang backs away]
Abed: Works every time.

Dean Pelton: [yelling at Jeff, who's walking away] Listen, jerk wad! Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, that got really heated. Greendale needs a win. The best compliment our sports program gets is that our basketball team is really gay.

Dean Pelton: [approaching the study group] Hi, everybody. Well, look at this group, having some kind of meeting and being so diverse. There is just one of every kind of you, isn't there?
Pierce: Well, we are missing a pipsqueak, but we don't want one, so beat it.

Dean Pelton: [introducing the judges for Britta's trial] Our judges include myself, Dean Craig Pelton.
Duncan: Professor Ian Duncan.
Chang: Professor Ben Chang.
Duncan: Uh, no, you're a teacher, you're not a professor.
Chang: Maybe because I don't look like Ron Weasley.
Duncan: That's the difference, that's the qualifying factor.
Dean Pelton: Gentleman.
Jeff: Point of order. How can Señor Chang be one of the judges? He's the one accussing my client.
Chang: Well, you got Prince Charles over here, your drinking buddy.
Duncan: Oh, got me.
Dean Pelton: It sounds like there are two biases, one on each side, and I go both ways, so... let's strike that.

Dean Pelton: [on designing a politically correct school mascot] We are developing the perfect mascot. No stereotypical identifiers from any race or gender.
Pierce: See, Jeff, this is a chart of the features we're staying away from. Pan-Asian eye folds, Irish chins, women's breasts.
Jeff: [noticing a chart of skin colors] Is that Seal?
Dean Pelton: That is our human color wheel. It goes from Seal to Seal's teeth.
Pierce: What do you think?
Jeff: I think that not being racist is the new racism.

Dean Pelton: [over P.A.] It's Valentine's week, when the Greendale Human Being is the Cupid Being, delivering your gift to that special someone. But, remember, Cupid's face is magic marker on nylon, so love is not only blind but also dizzy and a little belligerent.

Dean Pelton: [to Jeff, about convincing Troy to play football] I think if you said jump, he'd say, "How high?" If you said stop, he'd say, "Hammer time."

Dean Pelton: From now on, April 1st is now March 32nd.