Abed: [commenting on Jeff and Britta's argument] Will they or won't they? Sexual tension.
Jeff: Abed, it makes the group uncomfortable when you talk about us like we're characters in a show you're watching.
Abed: Well, that's sort of my gimmick, but we did lean on that pretty hard last week. I can lay low for an episode.

Abed: [over PA system] A few quick announcements. Announcement number one: All announcements will be cool starting right now.
Troy: Announcement number two: Butt soup!
Abed: Announcement number three: I am not Hadji from Johnny Quest.
Troy: On security news: You guys gotta start locking the Dean's door so guys like us don't get in.

Abed: Another muffin basket, from another actress who wants to be in my next film.
Jeff: Does that work?
Abed: Yep. Meryl Streep has two Oscars because of her baking. Ah, that's sarcasm, but I forgot to inflect. This sounds way more like sarcasm. Inflection is so interesting.

Abed: Anyone can be a lawyer. You can even represent yourself. You can't do surgery on yourself. It's illegal. You'd get arrested, and then you'd get a free lawyer.

Abed: Come with me if you don't want paint on your clothes.

Abed: For as long as I can remember, I always wanted to be in a mafia movie.

Abed: I hope they're not twins. Twins freak me out. They always know what the other one is--
Troy: --Thinking?
Abed: Yeah. And they're always finishing each other's--
Troy: --Pie?
Abed: Exactly. It's creepy.

Abed: I know what you're going to say. You watched my movies on the website.
Shirley: He's a witch!
Troy: Get him!

Abed: I'll have to make some adjustments to my film. Jeff, I think you should play the role of my father.
Jeff: I don't want to be your father.
Abed: That's perfect. You already know your lines.

Abed: I'm interested in making movies, but my dad says all media is Western propaganda that negatively stereotypes Arabs.
Troy: He should see Aladdin. Jafar was a badass!

Abed: It's really great to have someone to watch stuff with. My dad never wanted to watch anything, so I was kind of raised by TV.
Jeff: TV's the best dad there is. TV never came home drunk, TV never forgot me at the zoo, TV never abused and insulted me. Unless you count Cop Rock.
Abed: Cop Rock. Sounds cool.
Jeff: Doesn't it?
Britta: Wow, you guys are really dorming it up in here, huh?
Jeff: Yeah, in the last two days, I've spent a quarter.
Abed: We're having the time of our lives.
Britta: See, who needs platinum faucets? Do you guys even have faucets in here?
Jeff: There's a communal bathroom down the hallway. It actually helped me come to terms with losing my condo. You don't sit on a toilet like that until you've left the material world behind.

Abed: That's my newspaper.
Shirley: [hysterical] What do you need a paper for? You knew what was going to happen yesterday, you Middle Eastern magic eight ball! Pierce hurt his leg, Britta made Troy cry, what's my destiny? Am I going to die in a car? Is it going to happen soon?

Abed: The truth is lots of girls like me because, let's face it, I'm pretty adorable, and, uh, my aloofness unconsciously reminds them of their fathers, so... I'm more used to them approaching me.
Britta: So we didn't damage your self-esteem or anything?
Abed: Britta, I've got self-esteem falling out of my butt. That's why I was willing to change for you guys. When you really know who you are and what you like about yourself, changing for other people isn't such a big deal.
[There is a pause]
Jeff: Abed, you're a god.

Abed: You know, I thought you were like Bill Murray in any of his films, but you're more like Micheal Douglas in any of his films.
Jeff: Yeah, well you have Asperger's.
Troy: (laughing) Ass burgers!

Admiral Slaughter: I don't see students here; I see seamen. I didn't create them: from the moment you climbed aboard, I saw seamen inside you. More importantly, you've stopped giggling at the word "seamen," and that's the mark of a real seaman.