Pierce: Dean, I'm going to get some more coffee. You want anything?
Dean Pelton: Oh, yeah. A Desmond Tutu, with just enough cream to make it a Lou Diamond Phillips.
Pierce: A La Bamba, got it.

Abed: It's really great to have someone to watch stuff with. My dad never wanted to watch anything, so I was kind of raised by TV.
Jeff: TV's the best dad there is. TV never came home drunk, TV never forgot me at the zoo, TV never abused and insulted me. Unless you count Cop Rock.
Abed: Cop Rock. Sounds cool.
Jeff: Doesn't it?
Britta: Wow, you guys are really dorming it up in here, huh?
Jeff: Yeah, in the last two days, I've spent a quarter.
Abed: We're having the time of our lives.
Britta: See, who needs platinum faucets? Do you guys even have faucets in here?
Jeff: There's a communal bathroom down the hallway. It actually helped me come to terms with losing my condo. You don't sit on a toilet like that until you've left the material world behind.

Britta: You may have noticed this morning, not so good at the small talk.
Jeff: Yeah, I like big talk. What's your deal?
Britta: That's not small talk?
Jeff: What's your deal, and is God dead?

Annie: [Singing like Betty Boop] Teach me how to understand Christmas
Show me how to open a box
It hurts my little head
When I'm lying in my bed
With visions of sugarplum... socks?
Jeff: [Confused] Is this a bit?
Annie: Teach me how to understand Christmas
Do I trim the tree or the deer?
I can't keep it straight
And now it's getting late
Where does the stocking go? [Puts it on her head] Here? I can't see!
What's a Christmas Eve, is that Santa's lady?
Are snowmen cold or hot?
Won't you be my daddy?
I'm a silly Christmas baby!
Tell me what to deck, 'cause I forgot!
Jeff: Annie�
Annie: Bwain hurty understandy Chwsitmas
Mistletoe for eaty, taste good?
You smarty, me dumb; help pwetty have fun!
Boopy doopy boop doop SEX!
Jeff: Look, eventually you hit a point of diminishing returns on the sexiness.
Annie: What's a diminimuhmm... [Devolves into babbling]

Jeff: How are you so satisified all the time, Abed? I mean, don't you ever want anything more out of life than cereal?
Abed: [thinking] Sometimes, I like to pour hot cocoa mix into cold milk, and drink it like a cold hot chocolate. I call it Special Drink.
Jeff: And someday, you will know it by it's true name: diabetes.
Abed: You're Goldie Hawn, Jeff.
Jeff: I'm sorry?
Abed: You're Goldie Hawn.
Jeff: Is it the lips?
Abed: No. In Overboard, she was just like you. Wealthy, assertive, arrogant, got manicures all the time. But then she fell off her boat, and it was a good thing for her, because, ultimately, she realized she was happier being poor and raising four unruly boys with Kurt Russell.
Jeff: Can I not be Kurt Russell in this scenario?
Abed: You can do whatever you want, you just have to know what that is. For me, it's Lucky Charms and TV.
[Abed and Jeff are watching The Jeffersons and eating cereal in their pajamas]

Annie: It's not like I'm seeing anyone. There's just a guy...
Abed: A guy that goes to Greendale? Is it the Russian guy that looks like a short Johnny Depp?
Annie: It doesn't matter.
Troy: Is it the guy who looks a little like Vince Vaughn but smells a lot like fish?
. . .
Abed: Is it the guy who looks like Anderson Cooper but with the soul patch and the ponytail?
Annie: No.
Troy: Is it Black Michael Chiklis?
Annie: No.
Pierce: The white George Foreman?
Britta: You guys are talking about the same person: he's biracial, his name is David, and he's a human being.
. . .
Troy: Is it Fat Neil?
Abed: Bluestreak?
Pierce: Optimus Prime?
Annie: Okay, even I know some of these are Transformers.
. . .
Jeff: Is it Jean-Claude Van Overbite?
Abed: We should really start learning people's names.
Jeff: I agree with brown Jamie Lee Curtis.

Britta: [looking in notebook] Abed, why is my name in here?
Abed: That's mine.
Britta: And Shirley's and Annie's?
Annie: What is it?
Britta: Charts. Some kind of calendar?
Abed: That's my personal private business.
Britta: [reading] "Annie: 4 on, 28 off, next, November 10th. Britta: 5 on, 27 off..." Oh, my God, are you charting our menstrual cycles?
Annie: What?! Gross!
Shirley: Abed, this is so personal! And so accurate.
Annie: Abed, this is really creepy. I don't understand why you would do this.
Abed: I can explain. [Pause] Oh, I thought you'd keep yelling over me. Okay, I can explain. You know I have trouble reading people, and I say the wrong things, sometimes, and I noticed it was happening more often with you three than it was with the others. And then I noticed fluctuating patterns, and I started graphing them, and by the time I realized what I was actually measuring, it had started to yield really positive results for everybody, so I kept doing it.
. . .
Abed: Okay, if I could just take this time to share a few words of sarcasm with whoever it is that took this pen. I want to say thank you for doing this to me. For a while I thought I'd had to suffer through a puppy parade, but I much prefer being entombed alive in a mausoleum of feelings I can neither understand nor reciprocate. So whoever you are, can I get you anything? Ice cream? Best friend medal? Anything? Mmm-mmmm? Okay, sarcasm over.

Professor Professorson: This, Annie, is night school. Every student, every teacher, every class: Figments! Like puffs of hot air from the lips of a ghost in the shadow of a unicorn's dream.

Pierce: Of course, it didn't help any that I can't have children. I'm not sterile; in fact, it's a rare condition called hyper-virility. Apparently my sperm shoot through the egg like bullets. Can you believe that?
Jeff: I can't. But you can, so that's fine.

Study Group: [Singing] To you!
Pierce: That was weird, how come we only sang the last two words? What happened to the happy birthday part?
Shirley: You know Troy's a Jehovah's Witness, he doesn't celebrate birthdays.
Abed: Annie and I did our best to keep the language on the cake compliant.
Troy: [Reading the message written on his birthday cake] Hello during a random dessert, the month and day of which coincide numerically with your expulsion from a uterus.

Pierce: You know, I've been divorced seven times. Sometimes I think I'm doing something wrong.
Jeff: You keep getting married.
Pierce: I never looked at it that way.

Britta: I can excuse racism, but I draw the line on animal cruelty.
Shirley: You can excuse racism?

Annie: How much effort do I rate?
Jeff: For you, I'd break a light sweat.
Annie: Good. I need a favor. Help Pierce with his step daughter?
Jeff: You're becoming dangerous Annie, it's those doe eyes. Disappointing you is like choking the little mermaid with a bike chain

Annie: Well, the real important thing is that there is a Model U.N., it doesn't really matter who starts it. It just means her name goes on some charter and she gets to put it on her resume, and lead the Greendale team to the national Model U.N., and meet Kofi Annan, Boutros Boutros-Ghali, and will.i.am.
Troy: [Excited] Boutros Boutros-Ghali?!

Abed: Mariah, my name is Abed Nadir. [indicating Troy] My associate, Troy Barnes.
Troy: Charmed, I'm sure.
Mariah: Are you the guys who keep staring at me and intermittently yelling out "books"?
Troy: The very same. We're both interested in taking you to the Valentine's dance, but we are also best friends with each other.
Abed: It is of the utmost importance we protect that friendship from the stresses of courting you, so we're trying to be as direct and above-board about this as possible.
Troy: Will you go to the dance with one of us, and if so, which one?
Mariah: We need to get something straight first: this is the cutest thing that's ever happened to me. [Abed and Troy high-five each other without taking their eyes off Mariah] But I don't know either one of you.
Abed: Give us a moment. [he and Troy confer in whispers] New proposal: get to know us at the dance and decide there which of us you'd like to see again.
Mariah: Okay, deal.
Abed: Yesss.
Mariah: [indicating what Troy is carrying] What's in the briefcase?
Troy: Oh, tacos. You want one?
Mariah: No.
Troy: Great, we really wanted them.
Abed: Yeah, we're gonna eat them.