Abed: It's really great to have someone to watch stuff with. My dad never wanted to watch anything, so I was kind of raised by TV.
Jeff: TV's the best dad there is. TV never came home drunk, TV never forgot me at the zoo, TV never abused and insulted me. Unless you count Cop Rock.
Abed: Cop Rock. Sounds cool.
Jeff: Doesn't it?
Britta: Wow, you guys are really dorming it up in here, huh?
Jeff: Yeah, in the last two days, I've spent a quarter.
Abed: We're having the time of our lives.
Britta: See, who needs platinum faucets? Do you guys even have faucets in here?
Jeff: There's a communal bathroom down the hallway. It actually helped me come to terms with losing my condo. You don't sit on a toilet like that until you've left the material world behind.

Abed: Just so you know, Jeff, you are now creating six different timelines.

Abed: Mariah, my name is Abed Nadir. [indicating Troy] My associate, Troy Barnes.
Troy: Charmed, I'm sure.
Mariah: Are you the guys who keep staring at me and intermittently yelling out "books"?
Troy: The very same. We're both interested in taking you to the Valentine's dance, but we are also best friends with each other.
Abed: It is of the utmost importance we protect that friendship from the stresses of courting you, so we're trying to be as direct and above-board about this as possible.
Troy: Will you go to the dance with one of us, and if so, which one?
Mariah: We need to get something straight first: this is the cutest thing that's ever happened to me. [Abed and Troy high-five each other without taking their eyes off Mariah] But I don't know either one of you.
Abed: Give us a moment. [he and Troy confer in whispers] New proposal: get to know us at the dance and decide there which of us you'd like to see again.
Mariah: Okay, deal.
Abed: Yesss.
Mariah: [indicating what Troy is carrying] What's in the briefcase?
Troy: Oh, tacos. You want one?
Mariah: No.
Troy: Great, we really wanted them.
Abed: Yeah, we're gonna eat them.

Abed: That's my newspaper.
Shirley: [hysterical] What do you need a paper for? You knew what was going to happen yesterday, you Middle Eastern magic eight ball! Pierce hurt his leg, Britta made Troy cry, what's my destiny? Am I going to die in a car? Is it going to happen soon?

Abed: The truth is lots of girls like me because, let's face it, I'm pretty adorable, and, uh, my aloofness unconsciously reminds them of their fathers, so... I'm more used to them approaching me.
Britta: So we didn't damage your self-esteem or anything?
Abed: Britta, I've got self-esteem falling out of my butt. That's why I was willing to change for you guys. When you really know who you are and what you like about yourself, changing for other people isn't such a big deal.
[There is a pause]
Jeff: Abed, you're a god.

Abed: Troy, make me proud: be the first black man to make it to the end.
Troy: I love you.
Abed: I know.

Abed: Where to begin... I probably mentioned in the past my fondness for a TV program called Cougar Town.
Jeff: Here and there.
Abed: I even started a Cougar Town fan club on Facebook, not to accomplish anything mind you, simply to express my love for the show. Well, it ended up being quite large, this fan club, and one morning, I think it was in early March, I got this Facebook message--a very nice message--from the people who make Cougar Town.
Jeff: Looking for work?
Abed: [Laughs] No, thanking me, Jeff, you know, for all the support I generated for the show, and in the last paragraph they said, "If you'd like, you could come visit the set." Just like that.
Jeff: Wow, that's cool of them. I guess that kind of makes them the Pulp Fiction of people. Man, how great was that movie?
Abed: So I sold a few of my action figures and I bought a round trip ticket to Los Angeles.
Jeff: Wait, what? You went? When?
Abed: Over spring break. What could I do? Two days after I got that invitation, I was on the set of Cougar Town, Jeff. [Whispers] Cougar Town.
Jeff: Look, if you want me to take it seriously, stop saying its name.
Abed: You laugh, Jeff, but the people were wonderful. You know, not just the actors, but the crew, everyone. There must have been two hundred people, each with a specific function, but all dedicated to a single purpose. It was like a village, or like... a living thing. And I'm talking to the director and he says, "Well, why don't you jump into the background?" I say, "Now wait a minute, jump into the background of what exactly?" And he says, "Jump into the background of this scene. Walk through it. Walk through Cougar Town!" Well, before I could react, this girl takes me by the hand, and she stands me behind this patio where Courtney Cox and the actors are doing their scene, and the girl says, "Now when you hear action, I want you to walk from here to there." That's when I really started to panic, Jeff, because if I'm a person who watches Cougar Town, how could I be in Cougar Town? And the more I start thinking about it, the less any of it makes sense at all. And I just want to turn and run, but it's too late, because the director is calling "Action!" So, before I take my first step, I realize that I have to stop being someone who has ever seen the show, and become a character on the show. Become a man from Cougar Town. You know, someone born there, someone whose name I decide is Chad. And I take my first step as a child learning to walk--as Chad--and with each step it becomes easier, and with each step I start remembering things from Chad's life, like his first kiss under the big tree at Cougar Town field, playing soccer at Cougar Town Junior High, finding my first chest hair in the shower, my first apartment, my first true love falling for my best friend. Birthdays, weddings, car crashes, taxes. Playing charades at Thanksgiving. Chad had lived, Jeff. Chad had lived more than Abed. Then they called, "Cut." And the scene was over, but I wasn't ready to stop being Chad, so I said to the director, "Can I have one more take?" But they were already moving on--Courtney had nailed it. My lips started trembling, my hands and my feet went numb, my knees buckled, and as I fell to the floor... [pauses] I pooped my pants.

Abed: You know, I thought you were like Bill Murray in any of his films, but you're more like Micheal Douglas in any of his films.
Jeff: Yeah, well you have Asperger's.
Troy: (laughing) Ass burgers!

Admiral Slaughter: I don't see students here; I see seamen. I didn't create them: from the moment you climbed aboard, I saw seamen inside you. More importantly, you've stopped giggling at the word "seamen," and that's the mark of a real seaman.

Annie: [referring to Page, Britta's supposedly lesbian friend] So, like, would you change clothes in front of her?
Britta: Annie, I know your lack of world experience creates curiosity, but questions like that can make you seem a little bit homophobic.
Annie: It's homophobic to ask questions?
Britta: If you have to ask if it's homophobic to ask questions, haven't you already answered your own question?
Annie: Have I?
Britta: Don't know. Not a homophobe.
Annie: [spots Page from a distance] Oh.
Britta: Oh, there's Page. Should I ask her 500 questions about being a lesbian? Or should I just treat her like a normal person? That's a question you can ask.

Annie: [Singing like Betty Boop] Teach me how to understand Christmas
Show me how to open a box
It hurts my little head
When I'm lying in my bed
With visions of sugarplum... socks?
Jeff: [Confused] Is this a bit?
Annie: Teach me how to understand Christmas
Do I trim the tree or the deer?
I can't keep it straight
And now it's getting late
Where does the stocking go? [Puts it on her head] Here? I can't see!
What's a Christmas Eve, is that Santa's lady?
Are snowmen cold or hot?
Won't you be my daddy?
I'm a silly Christmas baby!
Tell me what to deck, 'cause I forgot!
Jeff: Annie�
Annie: Bwain hurty understandy Chwsitmas
Mistletoe for eaty, taste good?
You smarty, me dumb; help pwetty have fun!
Boopy doopy boop doop SEX!
Jeff: Look, eventually you hit a point of diminishing returns on the sexiness.
Annie: What's a diminimuhmm... [Devolves into babbling]

Annie: [to Abed, about his skill at insulting people] You're really good at it. You're like a machine!
Abed: Like RoboCop?
Britta: Exactly like Rowboat Cop. Sharice is a bad rowboat. Sink her.

Annie: [To Jeff] I thought I was representing the sisterhood. Thought I was teaching you a lesson about all the girls you dominate and then ignore. Not to waste your energy on some weird, cloying, hypersensitive stalker with a girl's name.
Kim: Hey! You are really mean.
Annie: Put it in a letter, Jane Austen!

Annie: And, I hate you. And, I want to have your children.
Shirley: Damn, I picked the wrong couple to follow out of class this morning.

Annie: Before we start, I'd like to have a preliminary pow-wow, or prelimi-wow, about what I'm calling our library's back-door conundrum.
Abed: That sounds like a porno starring Kate Winslet.