Community quotes
200 total quotesAbed: [about the new space simulator] Once we clean it, can we go inside?
Dean Pelton: No. That is a job for some upstanding students, who are training right now in the simulator simulator.
Leonard: [sitting in a cardboard box] Great job on this. Hard to believe I'm not really not really in space.
Dean Pelton: No. That is a job for some upstanding students, who are training right now in the simulator simulator.
Leonard: [sitting in a cardboard box] Great job on this. Hard to believe I'm not really not really in space.
Abed: [opens a Christmas gift marked "Meaning of Christmas"] It's the first season of Lost on DVD.
Pierce: That's the meaning of Christmas?
Abed: No. It's a metaphor. It represents lack of pay-off.
. . .
Abed: I get it. The meaning of Christmas is the idea that Christmas has meaning. And it can be whatever we want. For me, it used to mean being with my mom. Now it means being with you guys. Thanks, Lost.
Pierce: That's the meaning of Christmas?
Abed: No. It's a metaphor. It represents lack of pay-off.
. . .
Abed: I get it. The meaning of Christmas is the idea that Christmas has meaning. And it can be whatever we want. For me, it used to mean being with my mom. Now it means being with you guys. Thanks, Lost.
Abed: I always thought that Jesus just walked on water and told people not to have abortions, but it's so much cooler than that. He was like E.T., Edward Scissorhands, and Marty McFly combined. I would love to make a Jesus movie.
Abed: Is Pierce marijuana, and does marijuana help people move faster? I thought it just made them custom paint vans and solve mysteries.
Abed: Mariah, my name is Abed Nadir. [indicating Troy] My associate, Troy Barnes.
Troy: Charmed, I'm sure.
Mariah: Are you the guys who keep staring at me and intermittently yelling out "books"?
Troy: The very same. We're both interested in taking you to the Valentine's dance, but we are also best friends with each other.
Abed: It is of the utmost importance we protect that friendship from the stresses of courting you, so we're trying to be as direct and above-board about this as possible.
Troy: Will you go to the dance with one of us, and if so, which one?
Mariah: We need to get something straight first: this is the cutest thing that's ever happened to me. [Abed and Troy high-five each other without taking their eyes off Mariah] But I don't know either one of you.
Abed: Give us a moment. [he and Troy confer in whispers] New proposal: get to know us at the dance and decide there which of us you'd like to see again.
Mariah: Okay, deal.
Abed: Yesss.
Mariah: [indicating what Troy is carrying] What's in the briefcase?
Troy: Oh, tacos. You want one?
Mariah: No.
Troy: Great, we really wanted them.
Abed: Yeah, we're gonna eat them.
Troy: Charmed, I'm sure.
Mariah: Are you the guys who keep staring at me and intermittently yelling out "books"?
Troy: The very same. We're both interested in taking you to the Valentine's dance, but we are also best friends with each other.
Abed: It is of the utmost importance we protect that friendship from the stresses of courting you, so we're trying to be as direct and above-board about this as possible.
Troy: Will you go to the dance with one of us, and if so, which one?
Mariah: We need to get something straight first: this is the cutest thing that's ever happened to me. [Abed and Troy high-five each other without taking their eyes off Mariah] But I don't know either one of you.
Abed: Give us a moment. [he and Troy confer in whispers] New proposal: get to know us at the dance and decide there which of us you'd like to see again.
Mariah: Okay, deal.
Abed: Yesss.
Mariah: [indicating what Troy is carrying] What's in the briefcase?
Troy: Oh, tacos. You want one?
Mariah: No.
Troy: Great, we really wanted them.
Abed: Yeah, we're gonna eat them.
Abed: Troy, make me proud: be the first black man to make it to the end.
Troy: I love you.
Abed: I know.
Troy: I love you.
Abed: I know.
Abed: Where to begin... I probably mentioned in the past my fondness for a TV program called Cougar Town.
Jeff: Here and there.
Abed: I even started a Cougar Town fan club on Facebook, not to accomplish anything mind you, simply to express my love for the show. Well, it ended up being quite large, this fan club, and one morning, I think it was in early March, I got this Facebook message--a very nice message--from the people who make Cougar Town.
Jeff: Looking for work?
Abed: [Laughs] No, thanking me, Jeff, you know, for all the support I generated for the show, and in the last paragraph they said, "If you'd like, you could come visit the set." Just like that.
Jeff: Wow, that's cool of them. I guess that kind of makes them the Pulp Fiction of people. Man, how great was that movie?
Abed: So I sold a few of my action figures and I bought a round trip ticket to Los Angeles.
Jeff: Wait, what? You went? When?
Abed: Over spring break. What could I do? Two days after I got that invitation, I was on the set of Cougar Town, Jeff. [Whispers] Cougar Town.
Jeff: Look, if you want me to take it seriously, stop saying its name.
Abed: You laugh, Jeff, but the people were wonderful. You know, not just the actors, but the crew, everyone. There must have been two hundred people, each with a specific function, but all dedicated to a single purpose. It was like a village, or like... a living thing. And I'm talking to the director and he says, "Well, why don't you jump into the background?" I say, "Now wait a minute, jump into the background of what exactly?" And he says, "Jump into the background of this scene. Walk through it. Walk through Cougar Town!" Well, before I could react, this girl takes me by the hand, and she stands me behind this patio where Courtney Cox and the actors are doing their scene, and the girl says, "Now when you hear action, I want you to walk from here to there." That's when I really started to panic, Jeff, because if I'm a person who watches Cougar Town, how could I be in Cougar Town? And the more I start thinking about it, the less any of it makes sense at all. And I just want to turn and run, but it's too late, because the director is calling "Action!" So, before I take my first step, I realize that I have to stop being someone who has ever seen the show, and become a character on the show. Become a man from Cougar Town. You know, someone born there, someone whose name I decide is Chad. And I take my first step as a child learning to walk--as Chad--and with each step it becomes easier, and with each step I start remembering things from Chad's life, like his first kiss under the big tree at Cougar Town field, playing soccer at Cougar Town Junior High, finding my first chest hair in the shower, my first apartment, my first true love falling for my best friend. Birthdays, weddings, car crashes, taxes. Playing charades at Thanksgiving. Chad had lived, Jeff. Chad had lived more than Abed. Then they called, "Cut." And the scene was over, but I wasn't ready to stop being Chad, so I said to the director, "Can I have one more take?" But they were already moving on--Courtney had nailed it. My lips started trembling, my hands and my feet went numb, my knees buckled, and as I fell to the floor... [pauses] I pooped my pants.
Jeff: Here and there.
Abed: I even started a Cougar Town fan club on Facebook, not to accomplish anything mind you, simply to express my love for the show. Well, it ended up being quite large, this fan club, and one morning, I think it was in early March, I got this Facebook message--a very nice message--from the people who make Cougar Town.
Jeff: Looking for work?
Abed: [Laughs] No, thanking me, Jeff, you know, for all the support I generated for the show, and in the last paragraph they said, "If you'd like, you could come visit the set." Just like that.
Jeff: Wow, that's cool of them. I guess that kind of makes them the Pulp Fiction of people. Man, how great was that movie?
Abed: So I sold a few of my action figures and I bought a round trip ticket to Los Angeles.
Jeff: Wait, what? You went? When?
Abed: Over spring break. What could I do? Two days after I got that invitation, I was on the set of Cougar Town, Jeff. [Whispers] Cougar Town.
Jeff: Look, if you want me to take it seriously, stop saying its name.
Abed: You laugh, Jeff, but the people were wonderful. You know, not just the actors, but the crew, everyone. There must have been two hundred people, each with a specific function, but all dedicated to a single purpose. It was like a village, or like... a living thing. And I'm talking to the director and he says, "Well, why don't you jump into the background?" I say, "Now wait a minute, jump into the background of what exactly?" And he says, "Jump into the background of this scene. Walk through it. Walk through Cougar Town!" Well, before I could react, this girl takes me by the hand, and she stands me behind this patio where Courtney Cox and the actors are doing their scene, and the girl says, "Now when you hear action, I want you to walk from here to there." That's when I really started to panic, Jeff, because if I'm a person who watches Cougar Town, how could I be in Cougar Town? And the more I start thinking about it, the less any of it makes sense at all. And I just want to turn and run, but it's too late, because the director is calling "Action!" So, before I take my first step, I realize that I have to stop being someone who has ever seen the show, and become a character on the show. Become a man from Cougar Town. You know, someone born there, someone whose name I decide is Chad. And I take my first step as a child learning to walk--as Chad--and with each step it becomes easier, and with each step I start remembering things from Chad's life, like his first kiss under the big tree at Cougar Town field, playing soccer at Cougar Town Junior High, finding my first chest hair in the shower, my first apartment, my first true love falling for my best friend. Birthdays, weddings, car crashes, taxes. Playing charades at Thanksgiving. Chad had lived, Jeff. Chad had lived more than Abed. Then they called, "Cut." And the scene was over, but I wasn't ready to stop being Chad, so I said to the director, "Can I have one more take?" But they were already moving on--Courtney had nailed it. My lips started trembling, my hands and my feet went numb, my knees buckled, and as I fell to the floor... [pauses] I pooped my pants.
Annie: [referring to Page, Britta's supposedly lesbian friend] So, like, would you change clothes in front of her?
Britta: Annie, I know your lack of world experience creates curiosity, but questions like that can make you seem a little bit homophobic.
Annie: It's homophobic to ask questions?
Britta: If you have to ask if it's homophobic to ask questions, haven't you already answered your own question?
Annie: Have I?
Britta: Don't know. Not a homophobe.
Annie: [spots Page from a distance] Oh.
Britta: Oh, there's Page. Should I ask her 500 questions about being a lesbian? Or should I just treat her like a normal person? That's a question you can ask.
Britta: Annie, I know your lack of world experience creates curiosity, but questions like that can make you seem a little bit homophobic.
Annie: It's homophobic to ask questions?
Britta: If you have to ask if it's homophobic to ask questions, haven't you already answered your own question?
Annie: Have I?
Britta: Don't know. Not a homophobe.
Annie: [spots Page from a distance] Oh.
Britta: Oh, there's Page. Should I ask her 500 questions about being a lesbian? Or should I just treat her like a normal person? That's a question you can ask.
Annie: [to Abed, about his skill at insulting people] You're really good at it. You're like a machine!
Abed: Like RoboCop?
Britta: Exactly like Rowboat Cop. Sharice is a bad rowboat. Sink her.
Abed: Like RoboCop?
Britta: Exactly like Rowboat Cop. Sharice is a bad rowboat. Sink her.
Annie: It's not like I'm seeing anyone. There's just a guy...
Abed: A guy that goes to Greendale? Is it the Russian guy that looks like a short Johnny Depp?
Annie: It doesn't matter.
Troy: Is it the guy who looks a little like Vince Vaughn but smells a lot like fish?
. . .
Abed: Is it the guy who looks like Anderson Cooper but with the soul patch and the ponytail?
Annie: No.
Troy: Is it Black Michael Chiklis?
Annie: No.
Pierce: The white George Foreman?
Britta: You guys are talking about the same person: he's biracial, his name is David, and he's a human being.
. . .
Troy: Is it Fat Neil?
Abed: Bluestreak?
Pierce: Optimus Prime?
Annie: Okay, even I know some of these are Transformers.
. . .
Jeff: Is it Jean-Claude Van Overbite?
Abed: We should really start learning people's names.
Jeff: I agree with brown Jamie Lee Curtis.
Abed: A guy that goes to Greendale? Is it the Russian guy that looks like a short Johnny Depp?
Annie: It doesn't matter.
Troy: Is it the guy who looks a little like Vince Vaughn but smells a lot like fish?
. . .
Abed: Is it the guy who looks like Anderson Cooper but with the soul patch and the ponytail?
Annie: No.
Troy: Is it Black Michael Chiklis?
Annie: No.
Pierce: The white George Foreman?
Britta: You guys are talking about the same person: he's biracial, his name is David, and he's a human being.
. . .
Troy: Is it Fat Neil?
Abed: Bluestreak?
Pierce: Optimus Prime?
Annie: Okay, even I know some of these are Transformers.
. . .
Jeff: Is it Jean-Claude Van Overbite?
Abed: We should really start learning people's names.
Jeff: I agree with brown Jamie Lee Curtis.
Britta: [angrily] It all starts with a quick look-see into someone's bag and before you can say 1984, the thought police are forcing you to bend and spread!
Jeff: Bend and spread? Are the thought police going to make love to us?
Jeff: Bend and spread? Are the thought police going to make love to us?
Britta: [looking in notebook] Abed, why is my name in here?
Abed: That's mine.
Britta: And Shirley's and Annie's?
Annie: What is it?
Britta: Charts. Some kind of calendar?
Abed: That's my personal private business.
Britta: [reading] "Annie: 4 on, 28 off, next, November 10th. Britta: 5 on, 27 off..." Oh, my God, are you charting our menstrual cycles?
Annie: What?! Gross!
Shirley: Abed, this is so personal! And so accurate.
Annie: Abed, this is really creepy. I don't understand why you would do this.
Abed: I can explain. [Pause] Oh, I thought you'd keep yelling over me. Okay, I can explain. You know I have trouble reading people, and I say the wrong things, sometimes, and I noticed it was happening more often with you three than it was with the others. And then I noticed fluctuating patterns, and I started graphing them, and by the time I realized what I was actually measuring, it had started to yield really positive results for everybody, so I kept doing it.
. . .
Abed: Okay, if I could just take this time to share a few words of sarcasm with whoever it is that took this pen. I want to say thank you for doing this to me. For a while I thought I'd had to suffer through a puppy parade, but I much prefer being entombed alive in a mausoleum of feelings I can neither understand nor reciprocate. So whoever you are, can I get you anything? Ice cream? Best friend medal? Anything? Mmm-mmmm? Okay, sarcasm over.
Abed: That's mine.
Britta: And Shirley's and Annie's?
Annie: What is it?
Britta: Charts. Some kind of calendar?
Abed: That's my personal private business.
Britta: [reading] "Annie: 4 on, 28 off, next, November 10th. Britta: 5 on, 27 off..." Oh, my God, are you charting our menstrual cycles?
Annie: What?! Gross!
Shirley: Abed, this is so personal! And so accurate.
Annie: Abed, this is really creepy. I don't understand why you would do this.
Abed: I can explain. [Pause] Oh, I thought you'd keep yelling over me. Okay, I can explain. You know I have trouble reading people, and I say the wrong things, sometimes, and I noticed it was happening more often with you three than it was with the others. And then I noticed fluctuating patterns, and I started graphing them, and by the time I realized what I was actually measuring, it had started to yield really positive results for everybody, so I kept doing it.
. . .
Abed: Okay, if I could just take this time to share a few words of sarcasm with whoever it is that took this pen. I want to say thank you for doing this to me. For a while I thought I'd had to suffer through a puppy parade, but I much prefer being entombed alive in a mausoleum of feelings I can neither understand nor reciprocate. So whoever you are, can I get you anything? Ice cream? Best friend medal? Anything? Mmm-mmmm? Okay, sarcasm over.
Chang: Guys, I got a confession to make. I took anthropology because I want to be a part of your study group. Now, I gotta do the honest thing and just ask. Is there any room in this pocket for a little spare Chang?