Community quotes
200 total quotesPierce: Of course, it didn't help any that I can't have children. I'm not sterile; in fact, it's a rare condition called hyper-virility. Apparently my sperm shoot through the egg like bullets. Can you believe that?
Jeff: I can't. But you can, so that's fine.
Jeff: I can't. But you can, so that's fine.
Pierce: So, you guys formed an alliance without me?
Jeff: Yep. You with Starburns?
Pierce: Not if I can be with you. (promptly takes his gun and shoots Starburns) It's just Starburns.
Jeff: Yep. You with Starburns?
Pierce: Not if I can be with you. (promptly takes his gun and shoots Starburns) It's just Starburns.
Pierce: Those floating Mexican skeletons were right. My life is over!
Jeff: Well, when we go to floating skeletons with our problems, we get what we pay for, don't we?
Pierce: I'm old, Jeff.
Jeff: Pierce, I don't know how you spent the first sixty years, but I know in the last two months you've probably doubled the national average for amount of life lived per lifetime.
Pierce: Well, I do have a young, African-American friend now.
Jeff: Yeah, and, more importantly, you're dressed like a gladiator, in a desk fort that you built during a bad trip. If life is just a series of ridiculous attempts to be alive, you're a hero to everything that's ever lived.
Jeff: Well, when we go to floating skeletons with our problems, we get what we pay for, don't we?
Pierce: I'm old, Jeff.
Jeff: Pierce, I don't know how you spent the first sixty years, but I know in the last two months you've probably doubled the national average for amount of life lived per lifetime.
Pierce: Well, I do have a young, African-American friend now.
Jeff: Yeah, and, more importantly, you're dressed like a gladiator, in a desk fort that you built during a bad trip. If life is just a series of ridiculous attempts to be alive, you're a hero to everything that's ever lived.
Pierce: Vengeance? Ha! I was never one to hold grudges, Jeffrey. My father held grudges. I'll always hate him for that.
Pierce: Why don't we go get a beer? I'll give you some advice, and we can have what the kids are calling a 'sausage fest.'
Pierce: Wow, this is a real barn burner! Oh god, did I say cross burner?
Shirley: No, you did not!
Pierce: Oh, good.
Shirley: No, you did not!
Pierce: Oh, good.
Pierce: You know, I've been divorced seven times. Sometimes I think I'm doing something wrong.
Jeff: You keep getting married.
Pierce: I never looked at it that way.
Jeff: You keep getting married.
Pierce: I never looked at it that way.
Professor Professorson: And so on, and so on, ex-chetterah!
Jeff: ...Did you just mispronounce et cetera?
Professor Professorson: My latin class was fake, Jeff.
Jeff: ...Did you just mispronounce et cetera?
Professor Professorson: My latin class was fake, Jeff.
Professor Professorson: This, Annie, is night school. Every student, every teacher, every class: Figments! Like puffs of hot air from the lips of a ghost in the shadow of a unicorn's dream.
Professor Whitman: Had I not already cried at the sunrise this morning, I would be weeping right now.
Jeff: What does that mean!
Jeff: What does that mean!
Professor Whitman: Only when we begin to stop stopping our lives can we begin to start starting them!
Rabbi Chang: "Señor Chang"? Ben, do you realize how ridiculous that sounds?
Señor Chang: That is who I am!
Señor Chang: That is who I am!
Señor Chang: [After seeing Jeff and Pierce's presentation] F. F-minus.
Pierce: Did you say "S"?
Pierce: Did you say "S"?