Jeff: She confessed to protect her classmates, because you were threatening to flunk everyone!
Duncan: [Incredulous] You did what?
Chang: Oh, shut your pompous vortex of overlapping fangs!
Duncan: Hey, British dentistry is not on trial!

Jeff: The show's going to last three weeks!
Abed: Six seasons and a movie!

Jeff: Uh, I am in a bit of a jam. The state Bar has suspended my license. They found out my college degree was less than legitimate.
Duncan: I thought you had a Bachelor's from Columbia?
Jeff: And now I have to get one from America.

Jeff: What are you guys doing here on a Saturday night? Shouldn't you be making weird art movies or well-engineered cars?
European guy: You take that back!
German guy: We came to play. Get away from our table.
Shirley: We're using it, strudel-brain.
Jeff: Nice.
German guy: Then play us for it.
Shirley: Fine! Monday morning. Only let's make it interesting: the loser never gets to use this table again.
German guy: Oh you are so on that things have now become very much like Donkey Kong.
Jeff: We're gonna kick das butt.
Shirley: Nice.
Jeff: Thank you.
German guy: Enough Teutonic punnery! Monday morning, you get this. [Kicks a soccer ball at Jeff like a Foosball-figure]
Jeff: Were you guys walking around with a soccer ball just so you could do that? They left the ball and everything. I think they were literally walking around with it like a prop to use. It's like a $25 bit, and it's not even that good!

Jeff: What is that?
Troy: It's a monkey.
Jeff: Why do you have a monkey?
Troy: It's an animal that looks like a dude. Why don't I have ten of them?

Jeff: What is UP with that CAT?
Troy: Is someone throwing it?

Jeff: You ever miss being a quarterback, Troy?
Troy: I miss being the best at something. I miss having a coach. I miss knowing what to think.
Jeff: You still know what to think, Troy.
Troy: Oh, good.
Jeff: For instance, after the Dean talked to you about football, you and I were thinking the same thing.
Troy: That dude looks like Moby?
Jeff: We were thinking, "What if Troy did play for Greendale?" You'd be surprised at how many of your favorite football players got started at community college.
Troy: Really? Name one.
Jeff: Who's your favorite player?
Troy: Me. Whoa!

Jeff: You know what makes humans different from other animals?
Troy: Feet!
Pierce: No, no, no, come on. Bears have feet.

Mr. Nadir: Where do I find Mr. Britta?
Britta: I'm Mr. Britta. That's right. I'm a woman, with rights, and you can see my whole face.
Mr. Nadir: Oh, I get it, because I'm Arab I must hate women. Let me tell you something: I love women; in fact, I'm getting a major B-word vibe from you.
Jeff: Wow, I can't believe I missed out on getting involved in this!
Mr. Nadir: [to Jeff] You go host American Idol. [to Britta] And you stop messing with my son, he's a special boy. I raise him, OK? You don't raise him!
Britta: Raising him means letting him follow his dreams.
Mr. Nadir: Dreams are for sleeping.
Britta: You don't know that!
Mr. Nadir: It's clinically proven!
Britta: So's Polio!
Mr. Nadir: You lost me!

Narrator: [as the study group plays D&D] And so it was that the group began to describe themselves walking, and as they described themselves walking so did Abed confirm they walked.

Pierce: [after trading drugs with Starburns] Hey, man, what'd you slip me? I keep grinding my teeth and I want to kiss everybody.
Starburns: What did you slip me, man? My heart stopped racing and I can't pee.

Pierce: [raising a glass] To the empowerage of words.
Jeff: To the irony of that sentence.

Pierce: Dean, I'm going to get some more coffee. You want anything?
Dean Pelton: Oh, yeah. A Desmond Tutu, with just enough cream to make it a Lou Diamond Phillips.
Pierce: A La Bamba, got it.

Pierce: Hey guys, one of those guys just told me that there's an island in Indonesia where you can hunt other guys! I'm booking a trip for August!

Pierce: I lived in my car for a stretch in the seventies. Nothing like bedding a woman in the vinyl backseat of a Skylark. Of course, we didn't have the same safety standards back then, so, heh, no condoms. I tell you, before AIDS, sex was like shaking hands.
Abed: Hence, AIDS.