Jeff: Hey, Troy sneezes like a girl!
Troy: And how bout I pound you like a boy! That didn't come out right.

Jeff: Hey, you know what today is? [Hands Britta a card] It's the two week anniversary of my horrible first impression.
Britta: There's a card for that?
Jeff: Not specifically, but if you think of grandsons as a metaphor for friendship, I think you'll agree with this Transformer here that it's time for ours to become a man, by reading from the Torah.

Jeff: How are you so satisified all the time, Abed? I mean, don't you ever want anything more out of life than cereal?
Abed: [thinking] Sometimes, I like to pour hot cocoa mix into cold milk, and drink it like a cold hot chocolate. I call it Special Drink.
Jeff: And someday, you will know it by it's true name: diabetes.
Abed: You're Goldie Hawn, Jeff.
Jeff: I'm sorry?
Abed: You're Goldie Hawn.
Jeff: Is it the lips?
Abed: No. In Overboard, she was just like you. Wealthy, assertive, arrogant, got manicures all the time. But then she fell off her boat, and it was a good thing for her, because, ultimately, she realized she was happier being poor and raising four unruly boys with Kurt Russell.
Jeff: Can I not be Kurt Russell in this scenario?
Abed: You can do whatever you want, you just have to know what that is. For me, it's Lucky Charms and TV.
[Abed and Jeff are watching The Jeffersons and eating cereal in their pajamas]

Jeff: How was hypnotherapy?
Britta: He fell down and screamed in pain while I laid there with my eyes closed to make him feel like a good hypnotherapist.
[After watching Abed's short films, which seem to predict everything that's going to happen with the group]

Jeff: I discovered at a very early age that if I talked for long enough, I could make anything right or wrong. So, either, I'm God or truth is relative. Either way, booyah.

Jeff: I'm saying, you're a football player. It's in your blood!
Troy: That's racist.
Jeff: Your soul.
Troy: That's racist.
Jeff: Your eyes?
Troy: That's gay?
Jeff: That's homophobic.
Troy: That's black.
Jeff: That's racist.
Troy: Damn.

Jeff: It shouldn't be too hard to fake a study group, right?
Lunch Lady: Huh?
Jeff: Oh, jeez, I'm sorry. I was raised on TV, and I was conditioned to believe that every black woman over fifty is a cosmic mentor.
Lunch Lady: Were you conditioned to pay for your damn tacos, Seinfield?

Jeff: Let me tell you a little secret about me, Troy. Every day on my way to school, I drive through downtown, past the courthouse, just to get a glimpse of the world I once ruled, and I just want to jump out of my car, run up the steps, and exploit the legal system for profit, but I can't. I'm locked out of my old kingdom. You're not. You see what I'm saying?
Troy: [nodding] You're saying I could be a lawyer.

Jeff: Look, we have the strength to survive anything. What's the worst that can happen with Chang?
. . .
Chang: [growling] I told you they hate you. [chuckles; then, normally] No! They just said they needed more time! [menacingly] Time? They destroyed your life! How much time before we take revenge? [normally] But they're my friends! [menacingly] I'm your only friend! [normally] No! [menacingly, lifting his hands into the air] Ha ha ha! [normally] No!! [menacingly] Ah ha ha ha! [normally] Nooooo!

Jeff: Not liking Glee club doesn't make us bullies. And implying that is reverse bullying.

Jeff: Now, let's meet the minimum requiremnts for a language credit, shall we?
[Shirley is upset that Britta won't go to the bathroom with her]

Jeff: Oh my God! My life is Degrassi High!

Jeff: Oh, look, Indiana Jones and the apartment of perpetual viginity.
Troy: Haha! Chop busted, fellow adult. Chop busted.

Jeff: People can connect with anything. We can sympathize with a pencil, we can forgive a shark, and we can give Ben Affleck an Academy Award for screenwriting.

Jeff: Pierce, stop grinding on the Women's Studies department. You are too old to be tripping!
Pierce: I'm old?