Garrett: CRISIS ALERT!

Jeff: [about Britta] Well, you know, she's no barrel of monkeys. She wants everyone to be honest, but she lies to herself. She's seen the world, but doesn't get it. She has more fights about stuff that doesn't matter than a YouTube comment section. She's passionate, which I find stupid, but entertaining.

Jeff: [after losing his condo] This condo is all that's left of me. Every part of it is a part of who I am.
Britta: Is that a bidet?
Jeff: That part's for resale value... and Saturday afternoons.

Jeff: [As Dean] Welcome to Dean-dale Community Colle-dean! I'm a silly goose. Honk honk! Dean-a-lee-doo! Look at me, this is my sister's outfit!
Dean: Jeffrey, stop. [Pause] You've hit gold. Save some for the screen.

Jeff: [sobbing] I hate Glee.
Pierce: I'm not crazy about Glee either.
Jeff: I hate it! I don't understand the appeal at all.

Jeff: [to Britta and Annie] Wow. You guys are real downers. I can't believe I made out with both of you.

Jeff: [To Professor Slater] Please sleep with me. Please. Pretty please. I'm so lonely. I haven't slept with anyone in a very long time and you are so good looking. Please do me the favor of having sex with me.

Jeff: Abed, what's the deal with the hot girl from Spanish class? I can't find a road in there.
Abed: Well, I only talked to her once when she was borrowing a pencil, but... her name is Britta, she's twenty-eight, birthday in October, she has two older brothers, and one of them works with children who have a disorder I might want to look up. Oh, and she thinks she's going to flunk tomorrow's test, so she really needs to focus, and she's sorry if that makes her seem cold.
Jeff: Holy crap. Abed, I see your value now.
Abed: That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.

Jeff: Annie said that Benjamin Button was compelling. Look, she's a smart girl, but sometimes she's just wrong!

Jeff: Are you going to take the class?
Abed: Oh, can't. My dad will only pay for classes that will help me run the family restaurant. It's been struggling since 2001. 9/11 was pretty much the 9/11 of the falafel business.

Jeff: Are you going to the faculty party? Make me your plus one.
Chang: Oh, give it up, Winger! Professor Slater doesn't date students... or married Asians who drive mopeds.
Jeff: I'll give you twenty bucks.
Chang: I'll bring the hog around.

Jeff: Batman. Are you staying for the party?
Abed: [in Batman costume] If I stay, there can be no party. I must be out there in the night, staying vigilant.
Wherever a party needs to be saved, I'm there.
Wherever there are masks, wherever there's tomfoolery and joy, I'm there.
But sometimes I'm not cause I'm out in the night, staying vigilant.
Watching. Lurking. Running. Jumping. Hurtling. Sleeping.
No, I can't sleep. You sleep. I'm awake. I don't sleep. I don't blink. Am I bird? No. I'm a bat.
I am Batman.
Or am I? Yes, I am Batman.
Happy Halloween.

Jeff: Britta, you're not whore. Shirley, you're not going to sue a woman for stealing your husband, and Pierce, do I even need to say it? It is bad to hunt man for sport!
Pierce: Badass!

Jeff: Friends don't do what you did to us. Did the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants poison each other's food so they were too sick to leave? No! I've never seen it, but I'm pretty sure they MAILED EACH OTHER PANTS!
Annie: I said I was sorry!
Jeff: Who cares if you're sorry; we're still screwed! Be sorry about this stuff before you do it, then DON'T DO IT!

Jeff: Gentlemen, my name is Clarence Thaddeus Foos. My grandfather, Fletcher Morton Foos, invented this game for one purpose: to have the loudest, dumbest thing happen. Now, it has. The game of Foosball is completed. You're free to return to your undoubtedly hearing impaired families.
European guy: Tell you what. We'll stop playing if you can score a point on us.
Jeff: Tempting, but then wouldn't I be playing Foosball, if so how would I not be a loud, weird knob?
German guy: Free shot! I'm not even touching the Foosenshaft.
Jeff: Sorry, Luftballons. I'm above it. [Turns away, then spins back and grabs the poles. The German guy scores a point]
German guy: I wish there was a word to describe the pleasure I feel at viewing misfortune.