Eric: [looking at cover of movie] "Barney Sings The Alphabet." I don't wanna give the ending away, Cor, but... Z.

Eric: [looking in a textbook] Oh, and who is this raven-haired beauty?
Jason: That's Leonardo da Vinci. Stop that, you're scaring me!

Eric: [reading Amy's new paper] "An Evening in Cape Cod." Now this is more like it. "As Alan touched me, my lips began to quiver..." Don't you do anything but quiver? [skims ahead] Oh my God, you do!

Eric: [tasting Jack's pumpkin pie] Is pumpkin pie supposed to have bones?

Eric: [to Amy] You never breast-fed me!
Alan: Eric --
Eric: You didn't either! Breast-fed kids are skinny. Formula fed kids are fat. You know, at first I blamed it on myself. I thought maybe glands, and then I thought maybe metabolism. But then I thought to myself, I'm no racist! So it all goes back to you guys.
Alan: Listen, Porky, we're in the middle of a serious family discussion here.

Eric: [to Angela, holding a stack of photos of himself] 'Kay, so I want you to do me a favor. I want you to hand these out to all the European girls you see, okay? And tell them that if they want me to be their American boyfriend, my number's right there at the bottom of the picture, okay? Now, I've only got five hundred, so don't be handing them out to any hairy chicks, all right?

Eric: [to Mr. Feeny] I don't know what will happen to me, but I know that I will be a good person that cares about people, and I blame you for that.

Eric: [typing a college recommendation letter] "So, in conclusion, Eric Matthews is really really really smart, really really really nice, and really really really good for your school. Really. Sincerely, George...Mmmm Millhouse Feeny. Princip... uhh princip- princip...uhh... Head Guy."

Eric: A haircut?? This is your solution to girls? I suppose when I'm starving, you'll buy me some pants?!

Eric: All right, look, I'm glad you're both here. Listen to me. I've been reading a lot about this guy named Gandhi. Now Gandhi's an Indian. He's a Cherokee, I think, but that's not really what's important. Gandhi is a master at solving all conflicts peacefully. Now the first thing we need to do is start a dialogue. [Jack and Shawn remain silent] Okay, to have a dialogue, somebody has to talk. [looks in his book] Somebody has to talk, yeah. So who's gonna go first?
Jack: [to Shawn] Aw, to hell with you, man.
Eric: Now that's good. Let's build from that.
Shawn: [to Jack] To hell with you, too.

Eric: All right, look, Mr. Feeny, I have a question that I'm going to need a yes or no answer to: how many people get into Yale every year?
Feeny: [thinks it over] No.

Eric: Check it out, I already made up a theme song. [singing]
When a crime breaks out,
All the cute girls shout
"Get the good-looking guy"!
When there's a crime out there,
He's gonna comb his hair,
'Cuz he's the good-looking guy!
[stops singing and winks]
Book 'em, good-looking!

Eric: Christy's gonna expect me to tell her that I love her. Aw, man, I gotta do something now. Think, you gotta think, Eric -- OW!
Shawn: Thinking cramp?
Eric: Yeah.
Shawn: I get those, too.

Eric: Cory, if stupidity were in the Olympics, you'd win the Nobel Prize.

Eric: Dad? You can't quit! I can't support this family! I am not a monkey!