Amish Man: Young friend, how far art thou traveling?
Cory: Me?
Amish Man: Yes, thee.
Cory: Ah, well I'm going to Philadelphia.
Amish Man: Well, I'm going as far as that farmhouse, there.
Cory: That farmhouse there?
Amish Man: Yes. That farmhouse, there.
Cory: I see. Well I'm going to Philadelphia.
Amish Man: Well, I could take you as far as that farmhouse, there.
Cory: And that's very nice of you, but maybe I'll just wait for some form of transportation that involves...combustion.
Amish Man: I understand. But if you change your mind, I'll be at that farmhouse, there.
Cory: Yes, but see if that's as far as you're going then it does me no good.
Amish Man: That is true. But my intent was just, and my heart is pure. [rides off]
Cory: Also does me no good.

Alan: [to Mr.Mac] Look, you're not dealing with gullible little kids here now, buddy.Now you brought Shawn, thanks.Now why don't you just take a hike back to con-land.
Mr.Mac: Now do you see how judgmental these people are---
Alan: No, no, listen! [Shoves Mr.Mac into the wall] You see a judgment I made along time ago is that Shawn Hunter is the best friend my kid ever had.And I will kill to protect Shawn Hunter from people like you.
[Topanga, Cory, and Shawn are in Turner's hospital room]

Alan: Why is my son so godlike and popular?
Shawn: Because people have finally begun to realize how well brought up he is?
Alan: That the best you can do?
Shawn: Yeah, well, my mom smoked when she was pregnant.

Alan: My father spent 40 years with a broom in his hand. I wish he could see all that I have now. Why are you afraid of being average?
Cory: I-I-I'm not ashamed.
Alan: Touch it. Touch it. Get some dirt on your hands. Try to see what average looked like from here. To me, average was a dream. That's why my father worked his butt off, so maybe his son could have something more. And I learned from him, Cory. And I respected him because he did the best that he could. And I was proud of him. And he would have been proud of me, too. I don't know. Maybe if my son thinks average is nothing, then I've done my job. But I'm sorry that you're not proud. Of him, me and of yourself.

Alan: You took a job as a security guard?
Amy: Why would you possibly want to do that?
Eric: Oh, only for about ten reasons. One, walkie-talkies. Two, partner. Three, dog. Four, partner. Sometimes we switch partners. Five -- do you want me to keep going? Six, I pack heat!
Amy: You carry a gun?
Eric: Nope. A heater. Gets cold out there in the shed.

50's Topanga: The name's T.L.
Cory: Stands for Topanga Lawrence.
50's Topanga: Stands for "Tough Luck" for suckers who don't know better.

Alan: Hey, son! How was your day?
Cory: Fine.
Alan: What'd you do in school?
Cory: Nothing.
Alan: Hey, hold on! Wait there! You know, every day I ask you, "What did you do?" and every day you tell me "Nothing." Well, I'm tired of nothing. I mean, we both know something happened in school today and I want to know what it is!
Cory: I decided to be a girl.
Alan: Well, you taught me a very valuable lesson there, son.

Adam: [talking to his stuffed parrot] Polly want a cracker?
Eric: Polly want an autopsy!

Alan: Morgan, there is always going to be someone better than you, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't try. Ask Alexandra. What did she do when there were better painters than her?
Alexandra: (to Amy) I'm not supposed to lie. What do I do?

Alan: Where are Eric and Cory?
Shawn: They... went to the library.
Alan: You mean the public library, the one that closes at nine?
Shawn: Oh no, the other one.
Alan: I'm gonna take Morgan upstairs, and then you and I are gonna talk a little more.
Shawn: Like a relationship-building thing?
Alan: No. [goes upstairs]
Shawn: Wow. For the first time in my life, I'm in trouble with someone else's dad!

Alan: [smelling Cory's cologne as he comes down the stairs behind him] What's that smell?... Oh, my God, I'm rotting!
Cory: Relax, Dad, it's just my Rampaging Stallion. What do you think?
Alan: [waving a magazine] I think if the party doesn't have adequate ventilation, you're all gonna die!

Alan: You know, Cor, when I was a kid, Christmas was about appreciating your gifts because they were given with love.
Cory: Oh, right. Glad that's over.

Alan: The real tragedy tonight is that William Shakespeare couldn't be here to see how good you are!
Eric: Oh, he'll come tomorrow. I mean, we're here all week.
Alan: Unbelievable.

Alan: We're having a baby!
Eric: I'm going to be an uncle?

Alan (conversationally): Hey guys, where ya been?
Eric: Hey, I can get a haircut, as many as I want!