Beavis: Um...wow. Something's different about this.
Butt-head: Uhh...yeah. It's like, it sounds different, and looks different than like, most other videos you see lately.
Beavis: Yeah yeah. Kinda cool, yeah.

Beavis: Ummm, is this one of those sneaker ads where like, those basketball players sit around in a barber shop?
Butt-head: Uhhh, yeah. Only it's, like, a bunch of white guys. And white music.
Beavis: Yeah. It's "BUTT-WIPE" music! Hey, where'd that cat come from?
Butt-head: Uhhh, I think it came out his nose.
Beavis: Um, is that supposed to be funny?
Butt-head: Uhh, it's supposed to be. It would have been funny if it came out of his butt!
Beavis: Why is that, I mean, how come it like, if it comes out of his nose, it's not that funny, but like, if it comes out of his butt, it's funny? Why is that?
Butt-head: Well, it's 'cause like, your butt has a crack in it.
Beavis: Oh yeah!

Beavis: Voices are cool. I hear voices too. They tell me to do stuff like stay home from school, and watch TV, and, like, break stuff, and like...
Butt-head: Whoa. Preach on, brother Beavis.
Season 4

Beavis: Wait a minute. That dude right there, I think he's that dude who drives the snack truck now.
Butt-head: Oh yeah. That's right, he's got a mustache now, and he's just got long hair in the back.

Beavis: Wait wait wait, I think I can see something. I THINK I CAN SEE THE SIDE OF HER BOOB!
Butt-head: I think that's just a koala bear.
Beavis: Oh yeah. Sorry. You know something? I wish these girls were naked, and um, I wish they were right here without any clothes on, and I wish I was grabbing their butt, and that's about it.
Butt-head: Uh...okay then.

Beavis: We oughta try, like, picking up a chick in the laundromat.
Butt-head: Uhh, why?
Beavis: Because, like, you could look at their underwear and say, "So, I bet that underwear was on your butt." You know what I mean?
Butt-head: That's pretty cool. Or you could go up to one, and say "So I see you wear underwear. I wear underwear too. Wanna do it?"
Beavis: Yeah, yeah, that's even better! And then you can say "Since you're already doing a load...", heh, load..."Since you're doing a load, why don't you do my underwear too?" And then you can, like, pull down your pants, and then you already have your pants off. So you're already halfway there.
Butt-head: And then your underwear would be in there with her's.
Beavis: I'm ready for love.
John Fogerty, Old Man Down the Road

Beavis: We should see these guys in concert.
Butt-head: Yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, the Seminefrious Tubloidial Buttnoids.
Beavis: The Seminefrious Tubloidial Buttnoids have left your pants.

Beavis: Well I'll be damned, it's Dave Navarro.
Butt-head: Who?
Beavis: Dave Navarro. See, umh he, uh...he was in another band, but then he quit, and now he's in the Chili Peppers or something.
Butt-head: How do you know?
Beavis: I saw it on MTV News. [imitates the theme music] Pee-pee-pee-pee-pee-pee-pee...you hear it first. Pee-pee-pee-pee-pee-pee-pee!
Butt-head: You're a dork, Beavis.

Beavis: Well, I guess I'll go take a leak.
Butt-head: No way, Beavis! I get to take a leak when the video sucks.
Beavis: No way, Butt-head! I got up first!
Butt-head: Yeah, but I have to take a dump. That's more important.
Beavis: No way, Butt-head! I was gonna take a dump too, I was just like, you know, embarrassed.
Butt-head: Well, you snooze, you lose. [leaves the room]
Beavis: Uhh, this sucks. Hey Butt-head...[turns around and sees Butt-head has left] Oh. Um...guess I'll go take a leak. [gets up]
Butt-head: [calling from bathroom] Beavis, stay on the damn couch! [Beavis sits down]
Beavis: [hums] Dun da da dun...da na nun dun...[calls out] Hey Butt-head, are you almost done in there?
Butt-head: Uhh, just a few more minutes.
Beavis: Guess I'll go take a leak. [leaves the room. The sound of a door opening can be heard]
Butt-head: UH!
Beavis: AAHH!!
Butt-head: WHAT ARE YOU DOING, BEAVIS?!
Beavis: DAMMIT, BUTT-HEAD!!
Butt-head: NEVER COME INTO THE BATHROOM WHILE I'M TAKING A DUMP!!
Beavis: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, YOU'RE NOT TAKING A DUMP!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Butt-head: I JUST HAVEN'T STARTED YET, GET OUTTA HERE, BEAVIS!!
Beavis: YOU'RE JUST HANGING OUT IN HERE!!
Butt-head: DAMMIT, BEAVIS!! GO BACK AND WATCH THE DAMN VIDEO, AND LIKE, SAY STUFF!!
Maggie Estep, Hey Baby

Beavis: Well, I guess I'm gonna read a magazine. [picks up a magazine]
Butt-head: Uhh...you don't know how to read, Beavis.
Beavis: Yeah I do, I can sorta read. And um, besides, there's like lots of pictures of cleavage in the back. Do you mind if I just read this magazine for a while?
Butt-head: I don't give a rat's ass what you do, Beavis.
Beavis: Ah boy. Yep. This magazine's pretty cool. Whoa, check it out. Wow. Whoa! Something else.
Butt-head: Uhh, I'm not gonna ask you what you're looking at, Beavis. So quit trying.
Beavis: Heh. I'll be damned. Whoa, check it out. This is that dude from Love Boat. Look. He looks all old. It's like, he has a dog. And I think that's his son. That's great. What is this we're watching, Butt-head?
Butt-head: Uhh, nothing. Do you have any other magazines?
Beavis: Ah, no. Just this one.
Butt-head: Can I read it when you're done?
Beavis: No. No you can't. This is mine. It's for me. It's for me to read.
Butt-head: Beavis...
Beavis: Whoa, this guy was working construction, and he had like, this big pole like, shoved through his butt, it came out the other end, and it's like, he's still alive. And he has a gigantic bunghole now.
Butt-head: Where'd you get that, Beavis?
Beavis: I got it in the dentist's office. They're like, just there. They're free, you can just take them.
Butt-head: Boy, I'm bored. Where is that dentist's office, Beavis?
Beavis: You know where it is, it's over by Maxi-Mart.
Butt-head: Oh yeah. I'm gonna go get a magazine.
Filter, Hey Man, Nice Shot

Beavis: What did you bring back, Butt-head?
Butt-head: One huge boob. [shows Beavis] What did you bring back?
[Beavis shows Butt-head a picture of something flesh colored]

Beavis: What do we do now?
Butt-head: Uh...we could do homework.
[both laugh]

Beavis: What do you know, asswipe?
St. Peter: I know everything, buttmunch.

Beavis: What does "bombastic" mean, anyway?
Butt-head: Well, it's like, bombastic is even better than fantastic. It's like, if you were scoring with a chick, you'd be saying "Uhh, this is bombastic".
Beavis: Really? I was thinking, if I was gonna score, I'd be going "Yeah, hoowah, spatang, spatang, yeah, tap dat ass!", you know, stuff like that.
Butt-head: Really? I ever score I'm gonna be going [impersonating Shaggy] "This is fantastic, Mr. bombastic."
Beavis: Smooth.

Beavis: What is that?
Butt-head: It's a hoe.
Beavis: Yeah, I know, but what's that thing she's dragging behind her? [Butt-head laughs] Why is that funny?
Butt-head: Because, Beavis, you thought when I said a hoe, that thought I was talking about the chick. But I was talking about the hoe.
Beavis: Okay, but why is that funny?
Butt-head: Dammit Beavis! Because, like, when a word means two things like that, it's pretty funny.
Beavis: I'll be damned. I didn't know that.
Butt-head: You know, it's like, choking your chicken could be, like, if you had a pet chicken, and you were choking it. [as in literally asphyxiating a chicken] Or it could mean, like, you're choking your chicken. [as in masturbation]
Beavis: [laughing] Oh yeah. That's funny! Choking your chicken, that's pretty funny. I get that one. Okay, I got one - masturbating! [laughs]
Butt-head: Uhh, that doesn't work, Beavis.
Beavis: Yeah it does! I do it all the time!