Les: In the top story of the day, General Wallace Nasami, head of the emerging nation of Nibia, denied his new government was a dictatorship and promised free elections as soon as each citizen of the small country learned to play a musical instrument.

Les: It says here my audience share of men 65 and over went down six points.
Herb: Let's face it Les--your audience is dying off.

Les: It's a helicopter, and it's coming this way. It's flying something behind it, I can't quite make it out, it's a large banner and it says, uh - Happy... Thaaaaanksss... giving! ... From ... W ... K ... R ... P!! What a sight, ladies and gentlemen, what a sight. The ‘copter seems to be circling the parking area now, I guess it's looking for a place to land. No! Something just came out of the back of the helicopter! It's, uh, a dark object. Perhaps a skydiver. Plummeting to the earth from only two thousand feet in the air. A second, a third! No parachutes yet. Can't be skydivers... I can't tell just yet what they are, but - Oh my God, they're turkeys!! Johnny, can you get this? Oh, they're plunging to the earth right in front of our eyes! One just went through the windshield of a parked car! Oh, this is just terrible! The crowd is running around pushing each other! Oh, my goodness! Oh, the humanity! People are running about! The turkeys are hitting the ground like sacks of wet cement! Honestly, folks I don't know how much longer... the crowd is running for their lives.
[The radio transmission cuts off.]
Johnny: Les? Les? Les, are you there? Les, isn't there... Thanks for that on-the-spot report, Les. Uh, for those of you who just tuned in, the Pinedale Shopping Mall has just been bombed with live turkeys. Film at eleven.

Les: Johnny! Venus! You're alive!
Johnny: The newsman's eye. You just can't fool it.
Les: Well, that's wonderful.
Venus: Gee thanks, Les.
Les: Of course, I'll have to update my story. How'd you like it, Andy?
Andy: How'd I like what, Les?
Les: My four o'clock news report. Didn't you listen?
Andy: Les, the transmitter blew up!
Les: Of course! That was my lead!
Johnny: You led off the newscast by telling them that we're off the air?
Les: No. But I can include that in my update.

Les: Johnny, my space has been violated!
Johnny: Congratulations! It's about time.

Les: Monster lizard ravages east coast! Mayors in five New England cities have issued emergency requests for federal disaster relief as a result of a giant lizard that descended on the east coast last night! Officials say that this lizard, the worst since '78, has devastated transportation, disrupted communication, and left many hundreds homeless!
Johnny: Monster lizard?
Les: The wire service never lies!
Johnny: Les, the "B" is out on the printer! It's monster blizzard!

Les: Now about the format. Whenever possible I always try to lead with the hog futures, particularly in the morning.
Bailey: Why?
Les: Because, Bailey, that's what people are interested in.
Bailey: Yeah, but what if a really big story is breaking?
Les: Well, that's when you have to use your news judgment. There will always be exceptions. For instance, when President Richard Milhous Nixon resigned, I led the news with that story. Looking back, I think I made the right decision.

Les: Officer Shanks, explain fire.
Fireman: What?
Les: Exactly why do things burn?
Fireman: What kind of a station is this?

Les: Somebody must have jimmied the lock!
Johnny: [looking where Les's walls would be] Jimmied it? I think they took the whole door!

Les: The phones are dead! The phones are dead!
Venus: Not now, Les!
Les: Well, shouldn't we call somebody?

Les: The secret is to appear to answer all the questions, when in truth it's all mumbo-jumbo. Here, let me show you. Herb, ask me this question.
[Les hands Herb a card with a question written on it]
Herb: Surely. "Mr. Candidate, what is your energy program?"
Les: Right now, I'm devoting a great deal of time and study to that problem. And I intend to issue a position paper on that. A position that is at once simple, yet complex, flexible, and above all else, fair to every American.

Les: This is news, Sternworthy.
Howard Sernworthy: Which makes it all the more surprising that you're here.

Les: Travis, the very first day you came to this station you promised to get me a helicopter.
Andy: I know I did, Les, but that was a long time ago and I was lying.

Les: What is an executrix?
Herb: I don't know. High heels and a whole lot of leather, something like that.

Les: Where are we going?
Herb: To be among the living, Les.
Les: But I was going to Omaha!