Les: It's a helicopter, and it's coming this way. It's flying something behind it, I can't quite make it out, it's a large banner and it says, uh - Happy... Thaaaaanksss... giving! ... From ... W ... K ... R ... P!! What a sight, ladies and gentlemen, what a sight. The ‘copter seems to be circling the parking area now, I guess it's looking for a place to land. No! Something just came out of the back of the helicopter! It's, uh, a dark object. Perhaps a skydiver. Plummeting to the earth from only two thousand feet in the air. A second, a third! No parachutes yet. Can't be skydivers... I can't tell just yet what they are, but - Oh my God, they're turkeys!! Johnny, can you get this? Oh, they're plunging to the earth right in front of our eyes! One just went through the windshield of a parked car! Oh, this is just terrible! The crowd is running around pushing each other! Oh, my goodness! Oh, the humanity! People are running about! The turkeys are hitting the ground like sacks of wet cement! Honestly, folks I don't know how much longer... the crowd is running for their lives.
[The radio transmission cuts off.]
Johnny: Les? Les? Les, are you there? Les, isn't there... Thanks for that on-the-spot report, Les. Uh, for those of you who just tuned in, the Pinedale Shopping Mall has just been bombed with live turkeys. Film at eleven.

Andy: We have a responsibility to our listeners!
Johnny: Right! If I die, who's gonna teach the children about Bo Diddley?

Dr. Monroe: My, uh, studies establish without a shadow of a doubt, that children are, by adult standards, insane. And more than a little immature!
Johnny: And that's bad?
Dr. Monroe: Well, sure.
Johnny: Well, so what should we do about it?
Dr. Monroe: Round the little guttersnipes up.
Johnny: So, tell me, Doctor. Wh-where did you receive your degree?
Dr. Monroe: In Long Beach, California, Doctor.
Johnny: Long Beach State College.
Dr. Monroe: Oh, ho-ho. No, no, no, no. From a man at the Casa de Soma Apartments.

Johnny: All right, Cincinnati, it is time for this town to get down! You've got Johnny... Dr. Johnny Fever, and I am burning up in here! WHOA! We ALL in critical condition babies, but you can tell me where it hurts, 'cause I got the healing prescription here from the big 'KRP musical medicine cabinet! Now I am talking about your 50,000-watt intensive CARE unit, babies! So just sit right down, relax, open your ears REAL wide and say "Give it to me straight, doctor, I can take it!" I almost forgot, fellow babies... BOOGER!

Johnny: Right now I'd like to describe some of the incredible action that's going on down here. A man we believe might be a customer has just come from freshening up, and it looks like he's... leaving. No, wait a minute, he's paused there, maybe he's going to chat with Del Murdock, personable owner of Del's Stereo and Sound... yes he is, maybe he's going to buy something, and he's...no, no, he's pulled out a gun...uh, for any policemen who might be listening, apparently we're being held up here at Del's Stereo and Sound...

Andy: You interested in radio?
Little Arthur: Oh, kinda.
Johnny: It's probably because he knows that the first thing you do when you overthrow a government is seize control of the radio station.

Andy: [to Johnny] We've got a playlist. You should play the list. We've gotta play some Top 40 hits, don't we? Why, sure we do. Yet you have yet to play a single hit off the playlist all week. Play the playlist. Play a part of the playlist! Play one song off the playlist! Play a part of one of the songs off the playlist! Well, it's so nice to see we've established a dialogue here. There you go, you want to talk about this, I'll be in my office playing with a loaded revolver.

Andy: Mr. Carlson, we have got big trouble.
Mr. Carlson: Uh oh, mother's on her way!
Andy: It is not your Momma. It is worse than Momma.
Mr. Carlson: Worse? What could be worse than Momma?

Andy: I have only been in this town for two weeks. I'm living in an apartment that doesn't have any furniture. I've been fighting with your mother. I've been fighting with-with-with Les, I've been fighting with Herb. I don't even know where my laundry is, sir.
Mr. Carlson: Oh, settle down.
Andy: Frankly, sir, I'm...I'm just as tired of all this as you are.
Mr. Carlson: Yeah. Heh. Well, I guess so. Listen, for whatever it's worth, I don't know where my laundry is either.

[Jennifer's radio is playing gentle classical music]
Mr. Carlson: Hey, is that us?
Jennifer: No, this is us. [changes stations]
Johnny: Hang onto your brains, fellow babies, this is Doctor Johnny Fever and have I got a contest for you! First prize is, you don't have to die! Second prize, a pocket comb!

Andy: Half the time you can't even hear the lyrics.
Mr. Carlson: Well, these people, these CURB monitors, they figured out the lyrics.
Johnny: They sure did! Boy, I can see 'em now, huddled there in the corner of the church, playing every record slower and slower... then suddenly, "there's a naughty word!"
Season 4

Andy: Heat, there's no heat!
Johnny: No kidding there's no heat! It's because Mr. Carlson's mother is here. She walks in, everything freezes. She is the Ice Queen! She has powers beyond any mortal woman!

Andy: Herbert, I do not need a computerized service to help me find girls. I meet 'em the old-fashioned way: I pick them up in bars.

Andy: You're paranoid.
Johnny: Hey, Travis, when everybody is out to get you, paranoid is just good thinking!

Bailey: Just pretend you're talking to one person. A friend. Me.
Johnny: Okay.
Bailey: That's how you told me to do it. Now you do it.
Johnny: Okay, I'll give it a try.
Bailey: Just talk to me.
Johnny: This is, uh, your Doctor speaking. Hello, and good afternoon, Cincinnati. I sure would like to take you home and kiss you all over in the dark.