Andy: Herbert, I do not need a computerized service to help me find girls. I meet 'em the old-fashioned way: I pick them up in bars.

Andy: Les, your stories always seem to have a kind of a, uh... how shall I put this?
Johnny: Barnyard aroma?

Andy: We have a responsibility to our listeners!
Johnny: Right! If I die, who's gonna teach the children about Bo Diddley?

Andy: You're paranoid.
Johnny: Hey, Travis, when everybody is out to get you, paranoid is just good thinking!

Bailey: [in jail] You don't think they're going to fingerprint us, do you? "Bailey Quarters, Summa Cum Laude Ohio State, Sex Pervert!"

Bailey: [to Herb] Continuity is so important. Thank you for always being a jerk.

Bailey: Have you noticed that you can't tell what color someone is over the phone?
Venus: I guess not.
Bailey: That's right! Stereotype thinking! I mean, when I heard Black Life Magazine, I was expecting him to be like "Hey, little momma, you tell the dude I'll be here at fo'." But he didn't. He sounded just like you!
Venus: What does she mean "just like me?" I'm black, I'm from the street, I can say "fo'!"
Johnny: That's right, Kingfish. You is, and you does. But the problem is, you sound neutral.
Venus: Neutral. You mean 'white.'
Johnny: Well, don't worry, pal. I've heard you say "upside your head," things like that. Don't worry, you can pass for black.
Venus: I don't want to "pass for black," I want to be black! What the hell am I saying?

Bailey: You don't like parties? You don't like putting on a silly hat, hiding behind furniture, and generally stripping yourself of every shred of human dignity?
Johnny: Now that you put it that way, I do like that.

Carmen: I didn't join that sorority, because...
Mr. Carlson: Because you felt sorry for me.
Carmen: No! Because to get in I had to show up with a loser, a dip, a clown.
Mr. Carlson: Thanks, Carmen!
Carmen: And one minute after you picked me up, I knew you were none of those things. You were for me.

Herb: Hey, Jenny, I didn't get a chance to tell you how sorry I am that that Colonel guy bought the farm. Hey, he had a long life, a lot of dough, he got to go out with you, caught the big bus while he was eating in the best joint in town. Not bad, if you ask me!
Jennifer: [Smiling] Sometimes I really like you, Herb. You really have a way with words.
Herb: Hey. I'm in sales!

Herb: My wife and I went to Washington about three years ago. The Lincoln Memorial is pretty good. There's a great big guy sitting in a chair.

Herb: Watch out for those reporters, they'll tear you to pieces. I mean, they already have their story, and then they come up here with this pre-conceived notion and put a hatchet right in your back. Remember last year when I was on that TV show? They killed me.
Venus: Yeah, but I'm not trying to hide anything.
Herb: I wasn't trying to hide anything!
Andy: Come on, Herbert, you were trying to pretend you were something you're not.
Venus: Human.
Herb: Aren't we all trying to hide something? And in the larger sense, isn't that what makes us human?
Venus: Where'd you get that speech?
Herb: Read it on a T-Shirt.

Jennifer: I already belong to a union. It's a quasi-religious group called the International Sisterhood of Blond Receptionists. There are only twelve members in the world. We meet once every two years in Switzerland. If I told you our minimum salary you'd have a heart attack and die. Bye.

Jennifer: Johnny Fever has come into a great deal of money.
Mr. Carlson: That soft drink machine break again?

Johnny: [after hearing the sirens] It's the phone cops. They know what I did here today.
Venus: What are you talking about?
Johnny: They're coming to get me, man!
Venus: That's paranoia, man!
Johnny: Wake up, sucker, this is the phone company we're talking about! They see everything, they know everything, they got their own covert police force! I'm probably wired for sound right now! I gotta get out of here!
Venus: Johnny!
Johnny: Don't use my name!!