Herb: Morning, Jennifer.
Jennifer: Morning, Herb.
Herb: Any calls?
Jennifer: No.
Herb: Messages?
Jennifer: Nope.
Herb: Mail?
Jennifer: None.
Herb: Okay, how about lunch?
Jennifer: No lunch either.
Herb: Dinner?
Jennifer: Busy.
Herb: Okay, how about later, my place?
Jennifer: You're married, Herb.
Herb: Oh, yeah.

Johnny: All right, Cincinnati, it is time for this town to get down! You've got Johnny... Dr. Johnny Fever, and I am burning up in here! WHOA! We ALL in critical condition babies, but you can tell me where it hurts, 'cause I got the healing prescription here from the big 'KRP musical medicine cabinet! Now I am talking about your 50,000-watt intensive CARE unit, babies! So just sit right down, relax, open your ears REAL wide and say "Give it to me straight, doctor, I can take it!" I almost forgot, fellow babies... BOOGER!

Andy: I have only been in this town for two weeks. I'm living in an apartment that doesn't have any furniture. I've been fighting with your mother. I've been fighting with-with-with Les, I've been fighting with Herb. I don't even know where my laundry is, sir.
Mr. Carlson: Oh, settle down.
Andy: Frankly, sir, I'm...I'm just as tired of all this as you are.
Mr. Carlson: Yeah. Heh. Well, I guess so. Listen, for whatever it's worth, I don't know where my laundry is either.

[Jennifer's radio is playing gentle classical music]
Mr. Carlson: Hey, is that us?
Jennifer: No, this is us. [changes stations]
Johnny: Hang onto your brains, fellow babies, this is Doctor Johnny Fever and have I got a contest for you! First prize is, you don't have to die! Second prize, a pocket comb!

Herb: Uh, Les, this is Herb speaking. Now, I just want you to know that...if you jump, I'll jump too.
Les: Thanks, Herb.

Les: In the top story of the day, General Wallace Nasami, head of the emerging nation of Nibia, denied his new government was a dictatorship and promised free elections as soon as each citizen of the small country learned to play a musical instrument.

Mr. Carlson: Who's she?
Jennifer: Bailey Quarters.
Mr. Carlson: She work here?
Jennifer: Uh-huh.
Mr. Carlson: I like her.
Jennifer: I know. You say that every time you meet her.
Mr. Carlson: I do?

Herb: Boy, where have you been?
Jennifer: Out with other men, Herb... letting them have their way with me.

Johnny: Right now I'd like to describe some of the incredible action that's going on down here. A man we believe might be a customer has just come from freshening up, and it looks like he's... leaving. No, wait a minute, he's paused there, maybe he's going to chat with Del Murdock, personable owner of Del's Stereo and Sound... yes he is, maybe he's going to buy something, and he's...no, no, he's pulled out a gun...uh, for any policemen who might be listening, apparently we're being held up here at Del's Stereo and Sound...

Del: I've been checking around. I don't see how you guys can do these commercials so cheap.
Johnny: Oh, you'll understand when you see the response you get.

Dr. Monroe: My, uh, studies establish without a shadow of a doubt, that children are, by adult standards, insane. And more than a little immature!
Johnny: And that's bad?
Dr. Monroe: Well, sure.
Johnny: Well, so what should we do about it?
Dr. Monroe: Round the little guttersnipes up.
Johnny: So, tell me, Doctor. Wh-where did you receive your degree?
Dr. Monroe: In Long Beach, California, Doctor.
Johnny: Long Beach State College.
Dr. Monroe: Oh, ho-ho. No, no, no, no. From a man at the Casa de Soma Apartments.

Bailey: Jennifer, if you don't mind, I think I'm gonna cry.
Jennifer: Bailey, women who want to be broadcast producers do not cry in public.
Bailey: Then I'll cry in my car on the way home.
Jennifer: That's the way men do it.

Les: It's a helicopter, and it's coming this way. It's flying something behind it, I can't quite make it out, it's a large banner and it says, uh - Happy... Thaaaaanksss... giving! ... From ... W ... K ... R ... P!! What a sight, ladies and gentlemen, what a sight. The ‘copter seems to be circling the parking area now, I guess it's looking for a place to land. No! Something just came out of the back of the helicopter! It's, uh, a dark object. Perhaps a skydiver. Plummeting to the earth from only two thousand feet in the air. A second, a third! No parachutes yet. Can't be skydivers... I can't tell just yet what they are, but - Oh my God, they're turkeys!! Johnny, can you get this? Oh, they're plunging to the earth right in front of our eyes! One just went through the windshield of a parked car! Oh, this is just terrible! The crowd is running around pushing each other! Oh, my goodness! Oh, the humanity! People are running about! The turkeys are hitting the ground like sacks of wet cement! Honestly, folks I don't know how much longer... the crowd is running for their lives.
[The radio transmission cuts off.]
Johnny: Les? Les? Les, are you there? Les, isn't there... Thanks for that on-the-spot report, Les. Uh, for those of you who just tuned in, the Pinedale Shopping Mall has just been bombed with live turkeys. Film at eleven.

Mr. Carlson: As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly.

Les: This is news, Sternworthy.
Howard Sernworthy: Which makes it all the more surprising that you're here.