Andy: Half the time you can't even hear the lyrics.
Mr. Carlson: Well, these people, these CURB monitors, they figured out the lyrics.
Johnny: They sure did! Boy, I can see 'em now, huddled there in the corner of the church, playing every record slower and slower... then suddenly, "there's a naughty word!"
Season 4

Andy: Heat, there's no heat!
Johnny: No kidding there's no heat! It's because Mr. Carlson's mother is here. She walks in, everything freezes. She is the Ice Queen! She has powers beyond any mortal woman!

Berwick: It's your radical affiliations, Mr. Nessman.
Andy: What radical affiliations?
Les: Well, I am a member of the Hoedown Square-Dancing Club.

Guard in lobby: Where'd you get a jacket like that? I mean, do they sell them somewhere?
Herb: Of course, they sell them somewhere.
Guard in lobby: Where?
Herb: Yeah. I tell you, you tell somebody else, pretty soon the whole world is dressing like me.

Herb: [drunk] And that's why I say with the proper military backing, we can go anywhere in the world and say, "We are Americans! Give us your girls!"

Herb: I'm telling you, without that "Greenhouse effect," we'd all freeze to death.
Les: Not so!
Herb: Les, it would be one hundred degrees below zero at night!

Herb: Mother Carlson, how nice to see you, what a lovely surprise!
Mrs. Carlson: Down, boy.
Herb: Yes, ma'am.

Herb: She threatened to set the whole city on fire by setting matches to my suit.
Bailey: Herb, did you order those petitions?
Herb: No. What do you think of that?
Bailey: Andy, do you have any matches?

Herb: Suppose I were to tell you that I've been having serious troubles at home?
Andy: Is that true?
Herb: No. But if it were true, my behavior would be acceptable, right?
Andy: Well, maybe, Herb, but that's not the point.
Herb: Sure, it's the point! Acceptable behavior. I mean, why is it okay for certain people to come floating in here on God knows what, but if I have one little drink --
Andy: I don't care what people's hobbies are, but I do care when it starts to affect their work, and I don't care who they are, if they start blowing it.
Herb: So what do you want?
Andy: I want you to shape up.
Herb: So what's new, Travis?

Herb: Unless someone comes out here right now and helps me with this piano, I'm never ever going to speak to any of you again for as long as I live!
[silence]

Jennifer: So there we are standing at my front door, and he says, "Jennifer, some women would feel obligated after flying to New Orleans on a private jet and a moonlight dinner on a Mississippi riverboat, but I prefer a challenge. Someone who's interested in me, and not my money."
Bailey: What'd you do?
Jennifer: Well, I wished him luck, kissed him on his bald spot and wheeled him to his car.

Johnny's Ghost: Bailey runs a television station in Chicago. Travis is breeding guard dogs in New Mexico. Venus owns a clothing company called "Upwardly Mobile." Jennifer married and bought herself an entire island off the coast of Sardinia. Les Nessman? The Republican whip of the United States Senate!
Mr. Carlson: What about you and me? Fever and me?
Johnny's Ghost: Well, Fever just sort of ... disappeared. There were rumors, of course, but really not much else.
Mr. Carlson: And me? No no, don't tell me, I don't want to know. I'm dead, aren't I?

Johnny: In the first place, Herb's name isn't Tarlek, it's Nietzsche. He's directly related to the famous nihilist philosopher. See, he came to America to prove through the use of polyester that God is dead, and I think he's succeeded admirably, don't you?

Johnny: Need I remind you that I have two growing ex-wives to support?

Johnny: You used to be a good disk jockey, man. 'Course, that was when you were black.
Venus: You want to be Acting Program Director? You want to argue about something you don't care about with someone you agree with?
Johnny: Do you understand what you just said?
Venus: Not a word.