Les: [about Jennifer's house] My great aunt Eureka Nessman lived in a house very like this once, all alone. She had a little parakeet and she used to let it fly free throughout the house.
Jennifer: Really?
Les: Then she bought another parakeet, and another, and more and more until finally there were thousands of parakeets. And the mess they made was beyond belief. Aunt Eureka had gone insane of course, living all alone in a house very much like this one.

Les: And so, in summary, this German piggy went to the common market. This Chinese piggy stayed home. This Soviet piggy had turkey. Our American piggy had none. This is Les Nessman saying wee wee wee all the way home.

Les: Everybody around here thinks I'm crazy! Fortunately, you know better than that.
Jennifer: [silence]
Les: Fortunately, you know better than that.

Les: In a situation like this, I always ask myself, what would my hero Edward R. Murrow think? And I think that Ed would think that this was censorship. Then I think about what my other hero, General George Patton, would think, and I think George would think that radio and television ought to be cleaned up, and if he were alive today, he'd take two armored cavalry divisions into Hollywood and knock all those liberal pinheads into the Pacific! So as you can see, I'm a very confused man. And when I get confused, I watch TV. Television is never confusing. It's all so simple somehow.

Les: Johnny, my space has been violated!
Johnny: Congratulations! It's about time.

Les: Somebody must have jimmied the lock!
Johnny: [looking where Les's walls would be] Jimmied it? I think they took the whole door!

Les: Travis, the very first day you came to this station you promised to get me a helicopter.
Andy: I know I did, Les, but that was a long time ago and I was lying.

Lucille: We only allow the children to watch wholesome, family entertainment.
TV Hostess: Like what?
Lucille: Well, the Little House on the Prairie. Now that's a fine, wholesome show. It's about blind children out west, and every week they have a fire, or someone gets an incurable disease. We enjoy it very much.

Mr. Carlson: I can't wake up...
Grandfather Carlson: I know.
Mr. Carlson: Scrooge could wake up!
Grandfather Carlson: Scrooge didn't eat one of Johnny's brownies.

Nikki: I know what you're thinking, Herb. You're thinking God didn't make me this way. Well, God didn't make polyester either. You know what I'm saying, Herb?
Herb: I know what you're saying, I have no idea what it means.

Venus: [to Andy] If you're not back in four hours, I'm going all Christmas music! Think about it, I mean it!

Venus: I think there are only two things anybody cares about in this world. One, survival, and two, conquest.
Arnold: What about sex?
Venus: That's part of survival.

[Herb, Bailey and Jennifer are playing Monopoly, and Herb is bankrupt.]
Bailey: Well, we could play Strip Monopoly. You could give us your coat, Herb!
Herb: Huh?
Jennifer: That's fine. I'll take the coat.
Bailey: Guess which item of apparel comes next?
Jennifer: Whoo!
Herb: Is this what women's liberation is all about? Humiliation?
Bailey: No. We just heard you had great legs.
Herb: [smiles and starts to unbutton his coat] Who told you?
Bailey: Les.
[Herb stops unbuttoning his coat and exits quickly.]