Jo: When Mama was working as a prison guard and something went missing, she'd ask one question: "What do we do when we find the guilty party?" And if they said, "Come down on him with that swift hammer of justice", innocent. A clear conscience don't need no mercy. But if they said, "Officer Bessie, well they may have had a reason, blah blah blah blah", well, nine times out of ten, that's the anus they'd check.

Manager: Mr. Malone, your shoes are gone.
Kevin: They were stolen?
Manager: No, destroyed. When the bag was opened by our shoe shine, the smell overcame him. I too smelled them and made the choice that they must be thrown away. Incinerated actually.
Kevin: But that was my only pair of shoes.
Manager: It became a safety issue, sir.

Meredith: That is something I would never do.
Michael: Well, I think we all know what you're capable of Meredith.
Meredith: Hey, I have never cheated on, been cheated on, or been used to cheat with.
[cut to Meredith in interview]
Meredith: I ask everyone in the room, "Are you in a relationship?"

Michael: [in a limo] I wish the windows weren't tinted so people could see us in here.
Andy: Hey guys, do you think anyone might have had sex in here?
Michael: Definitely.
Dwight: Smells like it.
Michael: Definitely. Look they got pillows. That's bigger than my bed.
Dwight: Word.
Andy: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
[The limo driver raises the divider window]

Michael: David, guess who I am sitting here dressed as.
David: I'm not going to guess. You can tell me, or I will hang up.
Michael: I will give you a hint. His last name is Christ. He has the power of flight. He can heal leopards.
David: Michael...
Michael: I am Jesus, David, and you know why? Because Phyllis--a woman--has uslurped my role as Santa.

Michael: Dunder Mifflin is about to be sold. But first an investment banker has to drop by and sign off on our branch. And I'm...pretty nervous about it. And I'm...making some cosmetic tweaks to help create a more appealing environment. Is that dishonest? Well, think of it this way: when you look in the mirror and you see your push-up bra and your fake eyelashes and your make-up and your press-on nails; the principles that I am applying to the office are the same ones that have made Lady Gaga a star...or any number of drag queens.

Michael: How long have you known about the pregnancy? A week? A month? A year?
Jim: Michael, we only told our parents last week.
Michael: Did you pee on a stick?
Jim: I did. It was inconclusive.
Michael: You should've told me.
Pam: You're right. We should have realized that you are an equal part in this.

Michael: I am going to give you a raise.
Pam: Why?
Michael: Because of all the good work you've done.
Pam: I have the lowest sales record of anyone here.
Michael: That's... no, no, it's not about numbers, Pam. It's about attitude.
Pam: I have the worst attitude of any person here.
Michael: Do you want the raise or what?
Pam: Yeah, I'll take it. [turns to leave]
Michael: Hey, Pam, Pam, with this raise there are strings attached. And the string is attached from my heart to your mean attitude.
Pam: You're bribing me?
Michael: No! No... no, I am not. Unless you want me to. Do you want me to? 'Cause I will. I will bribe you. No. Your face is saying don't... unless I haven't offered you enough. Your face isn't changing. What is it? Talk to me, face. Tell me what Pam's brain is thinking. Come on! What do you want? What do you want? Do you want a million dollars? Do you want to hit me? Want me to get down on one knee and beg you or--
Pam: I want to hit you.
Michael: What?
Pam: I want to hit you. I'll do that.

Michael: I don't need to be friends with Pam. I have plenty of female friends. My mom. Pam's mom. My aunt, although she just blocked me on IM. What's-her-face from Quizno's? I see her four times a week.

Michael: I just, I fell in love with these kids. And I didn't want to see them fall victim to the system. So I made 'em a promise: I told them if they graduated from high school, I would pay for their college education. I have made some empty promises in my life, but hands down that was the most generous.

Michael: I like Donna. Is it wrong to keep seeing her? Depends on who you ask. I mean, if you ask her husband...or you took a random poll, yeah, it's wrong.

Michael: I'm going in for a procedure today.
Oscar: Is everything ok?
Michael: Yeah. It's routine. I'm just a little bit scared.
Oscar: I'm sure everything will be fine. What's the procedure if you don't mind my asking?
Michael: It is a colonoscopy.
Oscar: Ok.
Michael: In your experience, what should I be expecting, in terms of sensation. Or, emotions. [pause] Is there anything I can do to make it more pleasurable for me or for Dr. Shandri. My main concern is should I have a safe word?
Oscar: Yeah. [leaves]

Michael: I'm not usually the butt of the joke. I'm usually the face of the joke. I wish Jim had fallen into that pond and he'd have to put on my suit and it'd be too short and he'd look... Dammit, he'd still look good.

Michael: It is St. Patrick's Day, and here in Scranton that is a huge deal. It is the closest that the Irish will ever get to Christmas.

Michael: Kevin, Erin would like a few words with you.
Erin: Hey.
Kevin: Hi.
Erin: I have really enjoyed our time together.
Kevin: Yeah, me too.
Erin: I want to continue working on our friendship.
Kevin: Really, really fun.
Erin: Because I think our friendship could be a really cool thing.
Kevin: Yeah, me too.
Erin: And, you're my friend.
Kevin: Yeah.
Erin: And I hope that I'm your friend... and maybe...
Kevin: Yeah.
Michael: Oh my God, this is agonizing. Look, Kevin, do you really think that you could have dated Erin?
Kevin: You said she liked me.
Michael: Okay, even if someone told you that, you should know that could never be possible, Kevin. And I'm surprised that you didn't question me in the first place.